Long day

No nap because co-workers and my boss were in my office all day. Two company Christmas parties requiring mingling, one held at dinner at a loud sports bar where you could only sit on stools. At the second party my tenants called to say there's no heat. So drive home in heavy traffic and after inspecting things have to call the heating company. Now the heating company is here. I am exhausted.

I am not, however, having a panic attack.

The Zahir

My ex-wife recommended the book The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo to me two days ago. I read it. Damnit.

near panic attack

An exercise to leave me calm and ready to sleep last night instead left me heading for a panic attack and having to fight it off and go to sleep with the radio on. I managed to avoid the panic attack by telling myself it was just an attack instead of something else. Of course it's not really that simple since I'm telling myself that for 30-45 minutes, or more, with the radio on to try distracting me as well while I lie in bed trying to get to sleep.

Spending most of the night with the radio on is not good for my quality of sleep. I slept in until nine this morning, we'll see how I am today.

edit: Let this post sit for a while before publishing. It's not even 90 minutes after getting out of bed and I feel like I will just fall asleep. I have a hard time letting myself just take a nap, which contributes to anxiety as my adrenaline goes to try to keep me awake until a proper bedtime.

Tenants are in, I'm busy

Tenants moved in yesterday. The incoming rent is going to help with the bills. I think I've already spent their first rent payment getting house maintenance completed. They scrubbed the entire apartment when they moved in, so it looks like they are going to be clean and take good care of the place.

I've been getting things organized for the tenants, scheduling with handymen, being at the place while the chimney sweeps did their thing etc. Tomorrow I have another trip to the car mechanic for new brake pads and tires (they hadn't been replaced in about 100,000 km, it was obvious even to me it was time), after my several hours trip after work for the 200,000 km service two weeks ago. Also have to take the cats in to the vet for teeth cleaning and shots. It's been a lot of things that needed to be taken care of. I've been tired, but I've gotten them all done so far.

This coming week is Thanksgiving here in the US, so I have Thursday and Friday off.

Should have napped

Should have napped yesterday, instead my body wired itself staying awake and I couldn't fall asleep. Pre-panic attack type feeling. We had a big windstorm overnight, so I kept waking up from that as well. This morning I've still got that feeling, couldn't really get back to sleep so just got up. I was hoping to have a good tired feeling from the weekend's housework. Instead my shoulder/ribs are sore. That made it harder to relax and sleep last night as well. I should be better later this morning I think, once the Monday work routine has started. I could really use a hug from my ex-wife. I miss her terribly. She's better off without me though, so I can't ever tell her that even though we write back and forth.

Five lawn bags

The tenants are here cleaning the downstairs. I had cleaned it, but they wanted it really clean I guess. Since the weather was nice, I raked leaves and picked up small branches knocked down by the big storm last week before it goes back to cold weather. Also, it gives a good impression to the tenants to see me doing chores. Hurricane for New York, big windstorm for us. Five lawn bags worth. After yesterday, and waking up maybe 6-7 times last night, exhausted. Don't know why I woke up so much. I just went right back to sleep each time. I was gradually sleeping longer as the night went on. I think I got 2-3 hours in a row at the end. Not gasping for air from apnea, not hungry/thirsty. Just wake up, go "oh, I'm awake", and go back to sleep. Too I'd feel more positive about my activity level of yesterday and today if I wasn't as tired as I am. If I take a nap now though (4pm), I will probably not be able to get to bed tonight.

miniblinds

I installed 20 pairs of miniblinds today (slightly exaggerated, two last night and 18 this morning). I took two breaks, but still all are up and everything is cleaned up in the downstairs apartment. I can hardly believe I did that. That's the most physical work I've done in a long time. Whew.

Tired

I woke up an hour early yesterday and today. Was feeling it yesterday, really bad today. 8:30 in the morning and I could really use a nap, have been waking up before 6. Not sure if it's the coming winter or the fact the time change roll back was this past weekend. The previous post was supposed to be two days ago, but this blogging platform is terrible for mobile booting from my phone, it never published. I have to get started on getting things fixed for the downstairs tenants, relaxed last night.

New new tenant

The tenant I had ready to move in, application approved and all, backed out before signing a lease. So I had to look for a new tenant again. Had two good prospects, one ultimately backed out but the other signed a lease yesterday. Young couple who brought her parents to the signing to get the parental seal of approval before signing. I walked them through and gave them my normal pitch and answered their questions. There's going to be some minor things they want taken care of, mini-blind repair, a missing bit of grout, etc. Was tired from the time change and then taking care of the lease signing ran until 7pm. Made it through, but really tired after. Took a nice hot shower to celebrate. Tonigh I have to take my car in for a scheduled service. They estimated about 2 1/2 hours. Hopefully quicker since I think they may not be busy due to the election. Not going to be fun waiting, I'm already tired. I'm going to grab some hot dogs from a hot dog place I like on the way to treat myself. I haven't been out for hot dogs in a year or so. Tomorrow I have to start addressing the new tenants list of things. So I'll be busy for a while. Hopefully not tired like yesterday/today. I had been sleeping pretty well and feeling pretty well up to the time change.

Good and productive

A solid productive week and weekend. Did some work cleaning things up for the new tenant for downstairs. Reached a milestone in my hobby project. Got some larger things done at work as well.

Tried to post a few days ago

Blogger does not deal well with mobile devices. It wouldn't post, or save what I wrote.

Fall is definitely on it's way, I can tell with the later sunrise and earlier sunset. I'm starting up with the SAD lamp, as of this morning. Last week I did pretty well and only had to nap over lunch once, but over the weekend I was kind of out of it. Starting to get the fall chill in the air as well.

Finances without a tenant living downstairs seem to be stable. I need to find a tenant at some point though, so I can have money for house repairs. Without the tenant income my bank account is just holding even.

Anyway, generally holding steady.

Little sleep again

Woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach not feeling well. I had been running a few errands after work yesterday, picking up a flash drive from a local retailer, and stopping at the pet store to get food for my cats, and decided to stop at Wendy's and get a burger to take home. Apparently it didn't agree with me. I eat there a couple of times a month, so I guess I just got a bad one. Didn't really sleep much after I some up around 3:30 though, sort of half slept. The nausea wasn't so bad as last week though. Busy morning at work as well. A bunch of meetings that I bad to make sure got off to a good start before I could get back to my office. Didn't help that I'm tired. For good news, three day weekend coming up this week. Also got some ideas and did some successful brainstorming for the story for my hobby project. It will be better than the story I'd laid out previously.

Little sleep again

Woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach not feeling well. I had been running a few errands after work yesterday, picking up a flash drive from a local retailer, and stopping at the pet store to get food for my cats, and decided to stop at Wendy's and get a burger to take home. Apparently it didn't agree with me. I eat there a couple of times a month, so I guess I just got a bad one. Didn't really sleep much after I some up around 3:30 though, sort of half slept. The nausea wasn't so bad as last week though. Busy morning at work as well. A bunch of meetings that I bad to make sure got off to a good start before I could get back to my office. Didn't help that I'm tired. For good news, three day weekend coming up this week. Also got some ideas and did some successful brainstorming for the story for my hobby project. It will be better than the story I'd laid out previously.

sleep problem

Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of sleep issue instead of depression, or if the depression is the result.. Saturday night I slept terribly. And this morning I woke up feeling like I couldn't breath because I'd spent the night on one side, at least it feels that way. My dreams are always wild and vivid and I normally wake up tired. I usually wake up a number of times a night, Saturday I woke up seven or eight times, last night a more  normal twice. I've been tested twice in sleep labs, no particular apnea or other issues were found. Feeling very nauseous this morning. Wanting to throw up and at a few points felt like I might. Ate some yogurt and a banana, which hopefully will help calm my stomach. Friday and Saturday were actually good days, not exhausted, got some things done. Hope to have more of those and less of today.

Two decent days, now no sleep

Didn't fall asleep last night for a few hours, and got terrible sleep as my shoulder hurt. I am going to be suffering for that today. Saturday morning I had some anxiety as I was doing my farmers market shopping, or maybe it was just tiredness, or maybe the tiredness caused the anxiety. I didn't hang around to find out. Other than that Saturday and Sunday weren't so bad, didn't have to nap.

I don't have much work waiting for me today, but I do have the intern assigned to me today.

Better mood but still always tired

My mood is improving if I look back at posts from a month ago. I am still very tired during the day and have taken a nap at lunch every day this week. I have had a bit more energy in the evening. I am frustrated by my lack of energy and needing to nap. I am impatient with traffic lights on my drive home. I'd like to have days when I didn't have to nap, or feel exhausted if I don't. I don't remember the last day like that. At least tomorrow is Friday and then the weekend is here.

Tired

I had a long nap yesterday. Got away without one today but have been very tired since about 4pm. It's not as if I'm been very busy with work or chores or anything either. Frustrating.

Couldn't fall asleep

It took me at least an hour to fall asleep last night, was slightly dizzy (a possible side effect of my medication). Woke up sometime during the night and could fall back asleep. I was stuck in a half sleep, thinking about something. I do remember whatever it was that my brain was fixated on wasn't actually important, it was something dumb like who the local basketball team drafted last night. As a result today I'm very tired. At least the weekend starts tonight. Wednesday I did get in 30 minutes of ping pong. I'd skipped two sessions.

Refill

Quarter after 8 in the morning. At work but brains in a fog and I really want to have a nap. Feeling like this just makes me feel worse. I think my brain is still half asleep, at least it feels like it. I have a lull in my work right now and am supposed to take some online training, but the training system is down. Refilled my meds yesterday. Hope they help soon, it doesn't feel like it so far. I'd been forgetting to take them, and so I started back up last week. I also put them out with my vitamins so I see them. It takes up to a month to build up in people, so it could still be a while before I notice a difference. Until then I have to persevere. Still feeling the dilemma of trying to get through the day versus inability to look forward in anticipation.

Had to nap

Yesterday I did ok. Did my trip to the local farmers market and bought some groceries. Worked some on my hobby project. Went to bed right around 9pm. This morning I slept in until nearly 8am. And yet so tired I had to take a nap this afternoon. Even getting my laundry done was an effort. Didn't go to ping pong today because my shoulder was really bothering me. I've had the special type of pain I get from kidney stones for the past few days as well. Couldn't concentrate today for my hobby project. Just stared at it for a while and put it away.

"Taking it a day at a time" is only getting me so far. It helps rob me of any joy from looking forward to anything, because I'm mostly just trying to get through the day, especially workdays. I'm "in the moment", and it's a exhausted depressed moment. But I can't think of anything to look forward to either. A day off work? It's not as if I want to go for a vacation. Of course flying for a vacation seems right out after my experience at the airport at Christmas. Driving for one sounds terrible as well. And even if I did I have to sleep/nap enough that I couldn't really do anything.

Yeah, I'm depressed. Taking my meds though, hopefully things will brighten up.

No energy today either

Napped at lunch. I did go to Five Guys and pick up a burger on the way home, in order to do something enjoyable for myself instead of work -> home -> sleep -> work. The burger was good. I am tired.

An hour a day

This week has been tough. I have had very little energy, maybe an hours worth a day. I slept well last night but was very quickly tired at work and trying to stay awake. At least I didn't have a ton of work today. Napped at my lunch hour every day this week, and even with that havnt had energy in the evenings. Just wanting sleep, and so tired during the day.

Feel like crap

Went to bed shortly before 10. Woke up at 11:20, 12:30, 2:30, 4:15, 5:45, and four or five times between then and 6:30. Some nausea I guess, just not feeling well. Will drag myself in to work and hope I feel better there. Think positive.

Did get 40 minutes or so of ping pong yesterday. Didn't work too hard because my opponent wasn't at my level, so I mostly helped her practice. Hadn't felt like going to ping pong but went anyway.

Tired today

I did get out to the farmers market and got some shopping done. But very tired today. Went out and got a gyro for lunch, so tired at the gyro place, thought I might have a panic attack there trying to stay awake. No panic attack, but very tired. I thought I slept well last night. I did get something fixed for my hobby project, so I don't feel totally unproductive for the day.

Like crap this morning

I'd been feeling ok since my last post. Don't know why but I feel like crap this morning. My ribs hurt from ping pong yesterday. That's not too bad, I've taken some Alleve. I've got a vague "getting a cold" taste in my mouth. And not hungry this morning. Brain's pretty foggy even though I felt like I got a decent night's sleep. Feel like calling off work, but will drag myself in. I've got an intern in with me today. I can make him do some of the work today, but it means I won't be able to nap for my lunch hour.

Ok weekend

I wasn't too tired to put in good work on my hobby project, so I got a fair number of things fixed. Got in 40 minutes or so of ping pong today, despite being tired today. At least today it wasn't the terribly tired I've been having on Sundays. Friday I was super tired though, slept at my lunch hour. I've been waking up 2-3 times a night.

I'd like to say I've been able to do much beyond take things a day at a time, but I really haven't. Especially during the week. Friday night and Saturday are always a bit better.

no naps

I had to force myself to stay awake through the day yesterday and today. Yesterday I started falling asleep maybe, only to have a giant hypnic jerk bounce me awake and make me feel dizzy. Dizziness apparently is one sign of needing more sleep. Drinking lots of cold water at work, 4-5 glasses a day, since cold water is supposed to be invigorating like coffee.

Got through the meeting last week without falling asleep. I had a coffee drink from McDonalds beforehand so I had some caffeine. Caffeine makes me have to use the bathroom, a lot. I had to get up and go to the bathroom a number of times. I was also extra nervous when it was my turn to present for 5-10 minutes. Shaking. Not because I was nervous being in front of people, but just not wanting to fall asleep while up there, and so tired.

Despite being very tired, I mowed the lawn today after work, and then went and got in a good 30 minutes of ping pong with plenty of sweat. Drew someone better than me today, like last week, so I had to work hard to keep up. I keep telling myself the exercise is good for me and I need to do it, despite not being enthusiastic about it. At least when I'm in the middle of it I do have some enthusiasm, but I tire quickly.

3 day weekend coming up

We'll see how that goes since I've been tired on Sundays for a while now. Will Monday off be worse? Or will I have energy Sunday? I haven't had time off since my lack of sleep in February overwhelmed me. And haven't had actual vacation since Christmas, when I spent the week recovering from my massive panic attack at the airport. I am looking forward to the time off though. Haven't had more panic attacks since my middle of the night one on Sunday. Have a 3 hour meeting I have to attend tomorrow at the site where I was working before. 12-3 in the afternoon. Hopefully I can get comfortable in their chairs and can stay awake. I hate meetings, so boring.

Monday I didn't nap somehow. Too exhausted I think. Tuesday I napped during my lunch hour. Today I didn't nap, wanted to badly but I have the intern Monday and Wednesday for the foreseeable future.

Did 30 minutes or so of ping pong tonight. Got partnered with a player who's probably a bit better than me, so I got a good workout. My shoulder/sternum I think are going to pay the price though. Early to bed for me I think. Got to get through tomorrow.

Made it to morning

I think the best I did was a bad dream and some half sleep. I have nausea (from lack of sleep), and feel as if I'm going to either throw up at some point, or will go back into panic attack caused by trying to stay awake. Also, I have an intern that's supposed to be working with me today, so I can't hide out. Panic attack wasn't caused by that, but it's not going to help my dealing with the effects.

panic attack while sleeping

Woke up to high heart rate, sweating, feeling of  dying/imminent death. I woke up already in full panic, and since I was asleep/waking my brain wasn't processing it like it would during an attack while awake, so it wasn't under any control. The hot flash and sensation of dying were particularly strong with this attack. Now I'm writing this in hopes of distracting myself and calming down. When I have attacks while awake, I am able to at least exert some moderating influence on them via rational thinking and awareness of what is happening.

Of course this leaves me afraid to fall back asleep, for fear of another attack. I'll probably have to go lie on the couch and fall asleep with the radio on for some distraction and a low light for some feeling of comfort.

I thought I had done ok today, better than many recent Sundays. Did my ping pong. But before bed (9:30) I felt a bit sick to my stomach, as if I'd eaten something that didn't quite agree with me. I went to bed worried about being sick while depressed, and how would I take care of myself if I was sick in addition to my lack of energy from depression.

My depression hasn't cleared this spring to the extent it normally has in years past at this time. I've been concerned that is going to lead to a deeper depression that normal in the coming winter.

Going to try lying down again and see if I can get back to sleep.

Brain melting

I got 10 hours of sleep last night, and took things easier than I've been doing over the weekend. And today my brain was just stuck in sleep mode. I couldn't break out of it and just felt like my default mode for the day was sleep. My head was just in a daze most of the day. I did mow the lawn this evening.

Little sleep

I was in bed around 9 last night, but was in a half sleeping state until midnight or so. My esophagus felt like it was out of place, weird feeling. Woke up and fell back asleep around 1. Woke up this morning sometime before 6. My current goal is to simply make it through the workday, and hopefully no panic attacks. I am supposed to move a couple carts worth of equipment across the length of the building where I work today. Right now I don't see that happening.

Edit: No panic attacks, but exhausted and wanting to fall asleep the whole day, napped at lunch. I was too busy to move the equipment.

Monday again

I was really exhausted by yesterday afternoon. Saturdays my energy seems to be not too bad, and Sundays is bad. And Mondays I suffer for Sunday. I could use more sleep, but I have to go to work in a few minutes. Going to restart myself on my Fluoxetine, my mood and energy levels are generally low. Mondays, Fridays and Sundays I've been really dragging. At least on the Fridays I feel better once I'm home from work.

Cut and paste

I can practically cut and paste from other posts. Sternum/ribs from exercise made it hard to sleep, or maybe it was just the exercise. Didn't sleep well, woke up early. And now the tiredness driving the earliest bits of a panic.

Maybe I should try walking for my exercise, but I don't like walking. I much prefer ping pong, and it's a better workout if I've got a good partner. Yesterday I was taking it easy since I hadn't played in a while.

Here comes an attack

Had to wake up at 5:15, in order to be at work at 6am. Did go to bed early last night. Here comes the panic attack anyway. Trying to keep it mild and under control.

Tomorrow will be tough

I have to be at work at 7am. And I'm not done with the person from Friday yet, so I fully expect another undeserved earful.

One after another today

Didnt fall asleep until late last night, Woke up early. Forgot my keycard for work. Got in trouble for that as I borrowed another persons card since mine has special access even to get go where I sit. Then had to work with the person whom I felt was trying to get me fired last month, and got a talking to for the exact same issue as last month, because it happened again. Once again it was the same thing as last month, getting yelled at because they did something and would not see that they had done it, and blamed me for it. I had to deal with that from before lunch onward to the end of the day, and wound up having to leave late because of it.

Wasn't able to relax at home, chest and sternum feeling tight from the stress. I just took an Alleve for the sensation. I keep telling myself it's only at the muscle/bone level, my brains not really listening though, can't relax due to the sensation, it actually woke me up (and I'm typing this, some 90 minutes after going to bed.

I don't like Mondays...

Got in 40 minutes of ping pon yesterday and a good sweat despite being quite tired. I was up Saturday night watching the Final Four. My sternum is sore, but not like last week. Didn't have a problem falling asleep either, though I kept waking up in the middle of the night. Saturday I was productive on my hobby project.

Got more sleep, am more tired

How does that work?

Was in bed by 9 and asleep almost immediately. I actually feel more tired today than yesterday. Today it is a "relaxed" tired rather than an anxious tired. But I'm having more trouble staying awake.

Did avoid a panic attack yesterday.

Maybe 5 hours

I didn't fall asleep last night until maybe 1am or so. And since today is a Monday I had to get up and go to work of course. Woke up sometime around 5am went back to bed and started dreaming about trying to get to sleep...

Right now I certainly am feeling the effects of that little sleep. I havnt started going into panic mode from my body's reaction to lack of sleep yet.

Edit: 10:15 and the panic is on it's way. My sternum feels tight thanks to the excercise yesterday moving my shoulder and ribs around. So it feels like I can't breathe a bit. That feeling is the trigger, so focusing on how that feels.

Got my excercise, am tired

Last week I felt pretty good after my ping pong club. Today I just felt tired. Didn't go on Wednesday because I was still in the job worries and busy week. Did play for about 30 minutes and got a sweat going. I keep telling myself it's good for me and give me more energy on other days. Exercise, good for depression and good for health.

edit: Went to bed and lay there for an hour. Couldn't sleep so just got up now. Maybe I'll try sleeping on the couch. Didn't nap today. No stress I can identify outside of generally not feeling so great today after exercising. I cooked up a burger for lunch before ping pong and only realized after I'd eaten it that it was a couple days past the sell by date. I cooked it well though and didn't get an upset stomach.

Most of the time I'm posting from my phone, so I apologize if there are weird words in a post. Auto-corrections.

When I'm not posting here, it's because I'm feeling ok.

Spring has sprung early and sunshine has been the order of the day recently. My attitude has been on a slow and steady improvement for a while. This week has been trying at work. A high number of critical and time sensitive issues, and having to deal with a high ranking person who felt I messed something up for her, resulting in my being called into an even higher ranking person's office. It turned out to be the first person not identifying something that had already been shown them. The second time around, when the second person walked through things with them, they recognized it.

But there was four days when I thought it was possible to lose my job over it, so I was on guard against the negative thoughts that were trying to get to me. Today is the first day when there were no time and priority critical issues expected in a week (one time critical one has popped up and been taken care of).

Anyway, woke up tired and out of sorts today. Haven't had any naps for a week. Probably one at lunch today. The run of critical thing caught up some. Looking forward to the weekend.

Can't sleep

Saturday night I spent 2/3 of the night dreaming I was dodging falling giant skyscrapers. So I was pretty well beat up when I got out of bed this morning. Still I couldn't make myself take a nap. My brain wanted to grab the whole day off available to it, and not "miss it" by napping. I did get a few productive things done, even though it didn't feel like I did much and i was tired the whole day. I was not feeling up to ping pong even, which is on Sundays. Last night was also spring forward for the year.

Tonight I dutifully got myself to bed around 8:30. But i just lay there not finding a comfortable position and either awake or half asleep for the past two hours, it's past 10:30 now. I've moved out to the pullout sofa in the living room. The change relaxes me a bit, maybe I can fall asleep now.

Panic attack

Having one right now. So tired, even though I felt I slept ok. Felt ok yesterday. Hate this.

edit: Kept things relatively under control. I was having attacks without the depression back in December before having depression without attacks in January/Feb. Wonder if this means I'm coming out of it for the winter.

I think I tracked down the root cause of the panic attack, My ex-wife has been in my dreams every night recently, and in the dreams we've been talking about the divorce and why things didn't work. So there it is, my conscious mind isn't thinking about it, but my sleeping mind definitely is working things out.

Avoided a panic attack

I managed to avoid having a panic attack at the funeral by focusing on my breathing. It was difficult, as I had all the symptoms of heading into one, the feeling of tiredness, lightheadedness, the desire to head for the exit. The funeral lasted for only about 20-25 minutes. I'm not sure how much longer I would have been able to take, since I was forcing myself the entire time.

But still I managed to do it. I sat in the back near the door, just in case. The location of the funeral was about 45 minutes away from my home, in a place I was unfamiliar with, and lots of people there. Being in a dress shirt, a not so comfortable chair (those types of chairs never are) and it feeling very warm didn't help, the warmth could have just been my anxiety. I was fidgeting and not sitting properly the entire time. I focused on telling myself to breathe, I wasn't the focus, I only had to be present, and I could leave as soon as it was done.

I'm glad I was able to be there for my friend. He was the reason I went even though I expected to have a panic attack. Im also glad for myself that I was able to participate in the world. After the airport at Christmas I felt as if I was now totally unable to do that.

A funeral

The father of an old friend passed away Wednesday. I'll be attending the funeral tomorrow. Here's hoping no panic attacks.

Not enjoying much right now

When I get home from work I have neither the energy nor the drive to work on my hobby project. Mostly I just eat dinner, stare at the computer for awhile, shower and go to bed. I might liven things up by paying some bills!

I do enjoy seeing my cats when I get home, and petting them before going to bed. But that's about it right now on the enjoyment front.

Honestly I'm enjoying my dreams right now more than my awake time. I've been dreaming of good times with my ex-wife. I miss her.

Still beat

Runny nose is on the decline, but I'm even more tired than yesterday. I did not sleep well, shoulder/rib problem was and is bothering me. I hate the brain fog I'm in. I hate feeling like this, right now even taking care of myself is a struggle, much less getting other stuff done.

After lunch today I took a 90 minute or so nap. That helped with the worst of how I was feeling this morning. I managed to do two load of laundry (everything for this week) . I live in a second floor apartment and the laundry is in the basement, which is why it was hard. Had to throw a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner, not enough energy to properly prepare anything. At least I only get the fancy ones that are supposed to be healthier.

Here's hoping I can knock some things out at work tomorrow so I can feel a sense of accomplishment.

A cold

Basically, I had a cold all day, sneezing, runny nose, brain fog all day. I did get out of the house to get a few groceries, because I had nothing to drink or breakfast type food.

Tonight is the night

I sign the last of the house refinance papers. That is the last remaining bit of the divorce decree. My sore throat is now a runny nose and upset stomach. I'd say I had a stuffy head too but my brain is already fogged with depression. I'm meeting at my house for the documents right after work. Get it done with. I am so beat right now. It's a damp and dreary day, I could use some sunshine. I just want to lie in bed and doze.

I'd love to have some energy, I havnt had a bit of it for at least a week. I've been taking my meds. While my sleep is improved, I still am dazed and exhausted every morning.

Worked through

Forced myself through sharp anxiety at the other work site. Bonus anxiety for me, it was at a small airport.

Now the adrenaline is wearing off and I'm probably headed for a low. Don't have the energy to take my cafeteria tray back to the cafeteria.

Sometimes I'm so frustrated by this. Other times I'm too tired to be frustrated.

Alarm went off mid dream

It's 11am and I'm still more asleep than awake. Managed to get some work done. Then went back to my office and shut the door. I have to go to another site later today for something. Not sure how I am going to manage. It's a site I havnt been to before, which is an anxiety trigger for me.

My throat is still not all better, slowly. Had to stop at a bank last night for my home refinance. I am so tired. I have no energy. Hopefully this afternoon I will feel better.

Pillows everywhere

Yesterday was better than Monday. Last night I apparently tossed and turned all night since the pillows were all over. Woke up half hour before my alarm and didn't fall back asleep. I could use a nap. Still feeling sick in my throat, but the coughing last night was less than Monday. Depression is bad for your immune system.

My diet efforts are on hold because it's Girl Scout cookie time and I love Thin Mints. I bought two boxes this weekend, already at a box.

Ice cream

Spent a long time last night coughing in bed. What finally soothed my throat and allowed me to sleep? Ice cream, at around midnight. Still coughing this morning. Need more sleep. Don't feel quite as bad as yesterday. I bad a panic attack late yesterday at work because I was so tired. It was thankfully short. Work piled up yesterday because I didn't have enough energy to get everything done, plus there were more than the normal number of new requests.

Anxiety attack trigger

Trying desperately to stay awake, and work has barely started. This is the kind of thing that triggers panic attacks. I woke up around 5:30 and was only sort of half asleep when the alarm went off. Was in bed shortly after 7 last night but didn't really sleep until 9.

I have been taking my medication, but havnt really seen a difference yet.

I still have a scratchy throat.

Did myself some good

Very tired, but went to ping pong for 40 minutes anyway. I hadn't been in two weeks or so due to depression. I don't feel better but exercise is good for depression. Need to keep it up.

Also, I seen to have caught some bug, my throat has been scratchy for the past day, and now it's joined by upset stomach.

I'm going to be in bed by 7pm today.

Yeah friday

I woke up early and didn't fall back asleep before my alarm. Trying to look on the bright side, it's Friday. I could use a nap. Home refinance stuff keeps getting dragged out, which is wearing on me since I want to be done with that. At least it's out of my hands. Taxes are done, but my local taxes wants more documentation for 2010(!). Local taxes are crazy, harder to fill out than federal.

Tired already

I went to bed not long after 8pm yesterday, was wiped out. Thought i slept ok. 9am and already struggling to stay awake.

Cat jumped on me

As I was falling back asleep in the night just now. Trying not to have a panic attack right now from my reaction and the racing heart combined with mostly being asleep. Heart going really fast and falling asleep, which I don't want to do until I feel calmer.

Today was better work wise. I didn't get as much work done, but I felt more relaxed. Not having people constantly showing up at my door helped. Assuming I can keep the panic attack off and get some sleep, I should be able to deal with tomorrow ok as well.

Tough right now, my body view falling asleep as passing out from the running heart, but because i was essentially asleep my body also wants to fall asleep. Trying to walk the line where I calm down and stay awake for now. Will get out of bed for a bit.

Trying, but made it

Didn't fall asleep last night until 11 or so, and woke up around 6. Not really enough, especially since I'm still not getting good sleep. Still, I forced myself through the day. Didn't nap, actually couldn't, because I was busy. Tired now, bedtime.

Can't fall asleep

I tried to get some sleep around 7:30. Not close. Just got back out of bed at 9. Trying again now, at 11. Took a warm shower. Body is resisting though, can't find a comfortable position.

Some improvement

Yesterday afternoon I did feel a little more energy. And overnight I managed to get a four hour period of sleep. Still very tired today. Couldn't stay asleep this morning. It's the weekend though.

Just trying to stay awake

Today was not conducive to the lunch hour nap. Drinking lots of icewater and having short walks/stretches. Trying to stay awake, shifting around in my chair constantly so I don't start dozing.

Made it through hour one

I think I got a bit better sleep last night. At new work site. The person I'm supposed to meet is offsit right now so Im sitting in their office space. I was already roped into and finished some work. Last time I was at this site I had anxiety. Today it's mostly tired. We'll see later when I'm shown around more and have to meet the key people onsite.

I think I'll be ok here after today.
The office is quiet.

Just trying to stay awake

Napped over lunch. Not restful though. Afternoon and I'm just trying to stay awake at this point. Spent a couple minutes walking through the building, it helped, but not for long. My work transfer starts tomorrow, so I hope I get actual rest tonight.

Back on meds

Saw a doctor yesterday as requested by the urgent care doc. He feels it's depression/stress, prescribed fluoxetine and something for sleeping. The sleeping med is addictive, and with my anxiety over falling asleep I am scared to actually take that. Started the Fluoxetine though. Came to work today, but things are in a haze still.

I am very tired. That's a typical symptom of my depression. Then again I havnt slept right in some time, that's not typical. Normally I just sleep and sleep and sleep, not wake up all the time.

Need to be at work, to show myself I can, and because I don't get paid if I'm not. I dont have tons of money laying around where I can just say "forget it". I do like this job generally.

Sleep

I tried going to bed around 8. Kept jerking awake as soon as I would start dozing until about 11. Finally my body let itself sleep for hour long periods until about 4. Started actually being restful around 5:30, but was still only a series of naps. Slept until noon or so.

Food: got up at breakfast time long enough to eat a banana and a yogurt, and a cup of tea. When I woke up at noon I had 2 pieces of pizza and a bottle of izzi fruit soda. Now at 1pm a large glass of gatorade. Not really hungry. Mostly just tired right now.

The standing/sitting blood pressure results from yesterday make me wonder if that, and not depression, is the cause for my being tired easily, and the anxiety/lightheadedness I get having to stand in lines.

Scared to sleep

Took a warm shower. It did help me. Do not want that vertigo feeling again. See previous post. Might try keeping my bedside lamp on.

Went to urgent care

Doc did ekg, blood, urine.Nothing obvious except fast heart rate and a larger than expected blood pressure different standing versus sitting. He gave me 2 liters of fluids for dehydration (his best guess), and I have an appointment tomorrow. Fast heart rate probably because I was so tired, a bit disoriented. Didn't want to just fall asleep or pass out, brain forcing me to be awake. Anxious about falling asleep since I'm the only one in the house and don't have nearby friends (thanks depression, you're so wonderful that way).

Came home, got all nice and warm in a chair, and nodded off. Hypnic jerk made that last about 2 seconds and I bolted upright. I get those every once in awhile. Heart races, disoriented since I was just starting sleep. Bad because of my anxiety and vertigo experiences. Hadn't had these this past week.

Food today. yogurt and a yogurt parfait for breakfast, with 20 oz water and 8 oz tea. Banana right before seeing the urgent care clinic. One bite of a muffin, too dry couldn't eat it. Another banana and more tea in the afternoon. A piece of pizza and 12 oz of lemon/lime soda for dinner, I was too tired to cook, and not thirsty or hungry, just know I should eat something.

Then again I'm not normally thirsty and I just got treated for dehydration.

I feel bad physically, tired, slow thinking, and I feel bad mentally depression wise about it. Can't get trapped in a situation where I don't feel well enough to take care of myself, since no one is around to take care of me, afraid this might become that.

Better quality, worse result

I slept in 2-3 hour chunks last night. Went to work and thought I was feeling a bit better until I had a vertigo episode. Had to come home, disoriented and exhausted from the vertigo. Called my health insurance to find someone close to me. Will try to get a nap first.

Made it through

Getting to work was so hard. Twice I wanted to just turn around and go home. I had to park in the garage attached to my work because I was feeling that bad, and pay the extra $5 over my normal lot across the street. Once I got to my desk I felt a bit better. No energy and moved very slow all day, but got my work done. I napped for 20-30 minutes at lunch. Had too, was that tired. It helped me get through the rest of the day. Didn't eat a whole lot today, breakfast was a yogurt parfait, a lowfat muffin, and a banana spread through the morning. My lunch was just a sandwich, and a bowl of soup around 3, dinner was naan bread and hummus, and later an apple, some nuts and some healthy baked chips. That's not an unhealthily little amount of food, and what I ate was healthy stuff and not junk food.

I've been working hard the past two weeks on eating healthy and having little/no greasy/sugary stuff. Maybe I feel bad because my body is addicted to bad stuff :) break through and I'll hav a nicely healthy diet that's good for me. This past years efforts at healthier eating have resulted in around 12 kg of weight lost. More to go to get nice and healthy, I'm still over the doctor recommended weights, but I'm nearly back to what's been normal for me for the past 8-10 years.

I feel like...

... synonym for really bad. Exhausted, upset stomach/nausea (that happens when I don't get enough sleep), shoulder/ribs still awry. Managed 4 non restful fours in a row, plus one more. Task one: get self to work.

Sigh

I moved from the bed to a pullout couch to a papasan chair and back to my bed just now. I've had less than an hours sleep so far. Shoulder/rib problem is bothering me because I can't stop fidgeting it long enough for it to relax, despite the Alleve I took for it. I just want some relaxing sleep. Even if I get some for the rest of the night I'm going to feel bad in the morning. Telling myself to relax, but can't find a position that relaxes me and doesn't exacerbate the shoulder/rib issue. Posting this relaxes me a little since it takes my mind off what I feel while I'm describing what I feel. That sounds strange. I'll try to sleep now.

3 days of bad sleep

My sleep on Friday and Saturday night consisted on a series of approximately hour long naps. As a result I was very tired yesterday and today. Hopefully tonight is better. It doesn't seem tied to the work transfer, because I havnt been thinking about that. This same napping al night happened last Friday as well. When I was getting various tests for my my depression, I did have sleep tests, and I do not have any significant sleep apnea, so that's unlikely to be the reason. Maybe I'll try sleeping with my bedside lamp on. The light relaxes me. Even if it prevents me from getting really good sleep, which it does when I do that, it will be better than what I've had for the past three days.

I dreamt I was Batman

Only it was one of those stories where he loses badly. Maybe I wasn't "Batman". Couldn't get that brain wave out of my head and spent the whole night in that dream state. As a result I'm exhausted, my brains not working very well, and falling asleep. It's lunchtime, so I'm going to try to get some shuteye.

At least it's Friday. One more good thing is the weight I put on over the holidays has mostly come back off already, back within a kg of my intermediate goal.

New challenges on the way.

First, I didn't get to sleep until fairly late last night, so I didn't get enough sleep (for me). Had to work through lunch on something for a senior executive, and spent an hour late in the afternoon showing him things. That was stressful, as I had to perform at a high level while very tired.

Also, found out I'm being transferred to another facility to temporarily take over for an employee who is leaving the company. That's going to mean a big change in my routine, different and more stressful job functions, and new people and a new place to deal with. I'll also be the only person with my job function there, so won't have the camaraderie with co-workers I have now. It will be challenging from an anxiety perspective.

Finished the workday with the shoulder twitch I tend to do when I get too stressed.

Another 50 minutes

Monday was surprisingly ok. I did another 50 minutes worth just now. This time at a higher intensity tough, worked up a sweat. My eyes are kind of spinning a bit from following the ping pong ball.

We'll see how it hurts

I did 50 minutes of ping pong today. That's 10 more than I've done at one time since I started. We'll see how my body reacts later.

Did the right thing

I went to bed early last night, and slept fine. So why am I more tired today than yesterday? Probably because it's the fifth or sixth time the mortgage company has said "this is the last set of documents we need to finish your refinance". I'm not even kidding, two document requests this week have been with that exact language. For the past two month I have been providing them every document they require, only to have them make new requests for different documents. You would think my excellent credit and a clean payment history on the mortgage would be enough.

Hopefully that's the case here

The result of having to sleep in a more upright position was a night spent in a series of naps and being unable to get into a really comfortable position. As a result I'm up early and my stomach is upset (that happens when I don't get enough sleep). When I feel like this on workdays I don't usually start feeling better until the afternoon, but generally have more energy than I expect considering the way I feel to start the day. Hopefully that's the case here.

Bit of vertigo

I can get it when I'm very tired. Time to go to bed.

edit: enough to wake me up. Positional vertigo, worse when lying down, so positional. A few years ago I was diagnosed with benign positional vertigo. Today seems to be milder than when I initially had it. I've had mild bouts before. I may have to sleep sitting up tonight. It's upsetting and annoying, and strongly gets my anxiety going.

Not much sleep

There was a storm overnight. It was strong enough to rattle the windows, which I tried unsuccessfully to stop by jamming a sock in them to cushion things. That didn't work, so I moved to another room, but there the noise from the wind blown rain of the roof was enough I didn't sleep much better.

Eating out

Eating out is stressful for me. The waiting for the food is no fun. I will actually walk back out if there's a wait to be seated. Once the food arrives I can calm down some and concentrate on that. I try to get out of there quickly when I'm done.

Anyway, this post is from a Vietnamese pho restaurant. I went right after work, so no crowd yet.

Add: somehow that didn't post from my phone when I hit post yesterday. I had a "Vietnamese coffee" with the dinner. A small coffee with thick milk. Didn't sleep great as a result, woke up a couple times. Was relaxed and not anxious during the night though. Had a chai on my trip the the farmers market this morning. Kind of early to bed to bed to make up for it.

Extra note: I went to Wendy's and got a burger at the drive through for lunch today. It didnt really agree with my stomach, I think I've been eating good for me food too much to have a fast food burger.

Awake at midnight

One of my cats has been going crazy for the past hour. Running around, meowing nonstop.

Another note: I normally dream in full color with complete detail. It makes my dreams non-restful if anything's going on in them, which they've been since I went to bed tonight.

Did pretty well today

When I don't post for a few days, it's usually because I'm feeling relatively better.

Today I managed a busy morning, including having some high priority work stuff when I normally take my lunch (I take it earlier than most people at my company, as soon as the employee cafeteria opens for lunch). The past few months I'd been needing to go for lunch right when it starts due to anxiety. But today I did ok.

By the end of the day I was pretty beat though. Got some sudden priority stuff done right before close for the day. Tired when I got home, watched my local basketball team on the tv.

Overall, I'd mark today in the success column.

30 minutes of exercise

Did my ping pong at 6:30. Felt good at the time. Now it feels like I overdid things eventhougb didn't play especially hard. Maybe it's the torso twisting motions of playing that move my ribcage in a way my shoulder/ribcage problem doesn't like. It doesn't hurt, I just feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's the two large teas I had at lunch/afternoon. I wonder how much caffeine is in those, and if it'd be wearing off around now. I went to bed a few hours ago, and woke up feeling just "not right". Muscles don't hurt, bones don't ache, just an "overdid it somehow" feeling.

Edit: that was around midnight. Continuing with the "not right" feeling, but less. Lots of things back to back at work today, don't feel so rested even though I was in bed around 9 last night and up at 6:30 (then hit the alarm for another 30 minutes of not really sleeping).

I should try switching the tea for water and try some walking or something instead of ping pong.

Stone is gone

My kidney stone apparently took care of itself. I gave myself some extra sleep this morning by hitting the snooze for another 30 minutes. Didn't really seem to help all that much, Ive been ready for more sleep since about 8:30.

Kidney stone

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was exhausted (I did get 30 minutes of exercise yesterday) and climbed into bed at 9, tossed and turned until at least 10:30. Woke up several time with the distinct pains of a kidney stone, which I have had periodically over the past dozen years. My stones are always very small, so I just grimaced, took an Aleve and bore the pain until falling back asleep. Woke up at 5:30 and couldn't fall back asleep. The stone seems to have moved, pain was gone. Today will not be fun, hopefully the lack of sleep fog shakes off.

Slept right through

Disturbing dreams though. Dreamt tornadoes and storms were destroying the whole world, and that ultimately they were coming for me. After running from them for a long time, I stood up to the worst tornado, successfully. I am exhausted. My alarm barely got me out of bed. I normally wake up shortly before the alarm.

My office at work is sleepily warm today. It's the first hour of the workday and I've already felt myself heading for nodding off once. Since doctors advice was no caffeine because of anxiety, I have an ice cold water first thing at work every morning.

Last night after work I had to stop at a bank to take care of divorce related stuff. I felt my anxiety rising, but was able to keep it under control and not have an attack.

Work has started again

I'd been naturally waking up around 8-8:30 without an alarm during the vacation. Is it any wonder I'm tired now? I didn't sleep well last night either, waking up a number of times. Very tired and want to nod off, hope I can get a short power nap at lunch.

Ping pong starts again tonight after being closed for Christmas.