And according to tests

My cardiac stress test results were perfectly normal, "keep doing what you are doing". That's what I'd expected, but also I didn't have a panic attack while taking the test (there was a Xanax taken beforehand to make sure).

What better place to have an anxiety attack?

Saw the doctor a few weeks ago. I've been putting on weight because of not eating well. My cholesterol and blood pressure were up.... now I get to have a cardiac stress test on Wednesday. Not looking forward to that as it's at the medical center in the middle of the building, in a place I haven't been before. At least my doctor's office is right inside the door of the building. Plus there's the test itself, 10 minutes of increasing resistance on a treadmill. I've been doing 10 minutes of wii fitness running in place pretty regularly, and 15 minute sessions sweeping the falls leaves (of which there are plenty), but the test still makes me anxious. I guess if I have a panic attack my heart-rate will already be high and they can use that?

At least I've lost eight pounds in five weeks since seeing my doctor on the 5:2 fasting diet + eating better in general (no donut Tuesday and no weekend frappucinos). Fasting days are not fun, but it's been working. I have to go back in to the doctor in another month or so, for another blood test and follow up. Since the 5:2 diet is supposed to be good for cholesterol and blood pressure, I am hopeful. Seeing the scale steadily show lower numbers is helping me mentally. With the dieting I feel "healthier", because I knew I wasn't eating very well. The weight loss is positive feedback for the "healthy" feeling. I still have quite a ways to go to get back to what my body's "normal" weight is, normal being what I weighed for a number of years before the depression/anxiety..

Right now getting through the cardiac stress test Wednesday and back home is the main thing on my mind. I have the anticipatory anxiety over the test. Which really I shouldn't. I mean if I'm going to have an anxiety attack what better place to have one than at a medical center while being monitored?

Here's my attempt to be more focused on things that stress me less....

There are other things going on, working with lawyers to form an LLC, trying to get financing to buy an apartment building (in that LLC) with my inheritance, etc. These are things I try not to let bother me. There's the usual work stuff, I try not to let that get to me either.

Outside of those I'm not doing too much. Working some on my hobby project on the weekends. I've sat out with the new neighbors on their porch and chatted a couple of times, once for 90 minutes or so even!  I was tired the whole time but I did it. That's the most socializing I've done in some time, it was made easier since it was the neighbor right next to my house. Haven't been feeling up to hanging out with anyone otherwise, even my best friend. I went and hung out with him one day and watched some football, but I was like 3/4 asleep that day and left at when the game was half over.

I bought a new car

Yay me! I bought a new car. That's one of those high on the "anxiety questionnaire scale" type things. I had already known what I wanted, so I did all the stuff with the dealer online and just went in to sign paperwork and pick it up. I managed it with one Xanax.

Still thinking on how to invest my inheritance. Most likely buy a small apartment building and let a management company handle it. I've reached out for some advice on understanding that from a financial perspective, as I understand at the single family/duplex level but a small building is a different thing.

Still thinking

About what to do with the inheritance. The idea of having some money is slowly sinking in, but there's nothing I really feel like spending it on. I'll be investing it in some manner or another.

Down and up, or up and down depending.

My anxiety had lowered a bit while I was in the waiting process for the larger account of my father. They finally came, and my anxiety is higher again. I've never seen that much money, about seven times my annual salary. I've put in in a bank until I have a chance to think about how to invest it.

My car is approaching fifteen years old, so some will probably go to getting a new one in the not too distant future.

bank account is higher, and I am sadder

I am still taking care of my fathers stuff. A bank says that if you close the main account, it doesn't close all the sub-accounts, so I have to close those separately. My aunt and uncle sent me another shipment of old photos and such. Included were photos of my parents wedding, I'd never seen those.

So all told my bank account is higher, and I am sadder.

Three Day Weekend

This was a three day weekend. I'd hoped to make it longer but a co-worker is on vacation next week, so instead I'll be taking two days of vacation next week, giving me a four day weekend. I feel like I'm not getting a lot done at work, but work is currently in a slow period of the year. My first day of this weekend I felt pretty good, but I got more tired day by day. On the other hand my pedometer shows a decent amount of steps for today, and I got my clothes washed and dishes done and sat outside in the nice weather for awhile.

I need to get through Thursday, when I have to go to the city two hours away for work. There is an upgrade happening there, and I need to be there for it.

Ugh

According to my phone app I got more deep sleep than normal, but I was up around 3am hungry, and 4:30 am hungry again (after eating a banana at 3am), and at 6am woke up again. Yesterday I was kind of dizzy much of the day, I felt like something was stuck in my ear or something. Even though it's normally my least busy work day I felt exhausted all day, was in "stage 1" of panic mode driving home, when I sense an attack could be coming on. I didn't have one but was very glad to get home. I hope today goes better.

Roof is fixed

The first place I called for the roof and other repairs called me back, then said they needed to call back later, then didn't call back. So I called other people for repairs. The roof is now fixed. I still haven't managed to take any time off for my father, hopefully a few days next week. I'd rather take Monday/Tuesday off, as those are my busiest days of the week. Wednesday-Friday tend to be slower (except Friday afternoons are often when the "I need it by end of today/Monday" stuff comes in...)

I have been better about getting the lawn mowed, having enough energy to get it all mowed in one go, and then having some energy left when I'm done. I've also been making a point of going for groceries even though I don't get a bunch and still get most things delivered (it is really convenient...).

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep, we'll see how I do today. Friday I had a panic attack driving to work, when my normal path through a park was closed due to falling trees in the park due to a storm. I had already been nervous before that. My first panic attack in awhile, mostly I have been down with low energy and wanting to sleep a lot.

All the paperwork I've needed to file for my father has been sent in, so at this point it's just waiting to see if they have everything they need or they will need me to file additional documentation.

So tired

Saturday I was well enough to get some groceries at the actual grocery store instead of ordering grocery delivery from online.Not many, as I didn't want to push too far. I managed to mow the lawn as well. The past two days though I've been so tired I can barely get around the house. I had to stop washing the dishes (at least I called the handyman to fix that and the roof shingles Saturday) as I felt like I could barely stand anymore. I laid down and took a nap. I am very tense, I think it's giving me the headache that I had yesterday and today. I have been taking a xanax (or two) a day during the week, and trying to stay off on the weekend.

There is tension because last week was busy at work, to the point that Friday was multiple "need it now" crises and I was working until 8pm or so, getting a call on the way home and having to work remotely on it. I had a panic attack at work near the end of the day, I did manage to control it as I saw it coming.

Today is a holiday, so I was able to nap. I had planned on taking Tuesday as a vacation day to take care of some stuff for my father, but I have to go in for the remaining "need it now" work issue.

I still haven't looked at more than a few of the photos in the box of photos and stuff my family sent that my dad had. I lack the energy/desire, probably as a reaction to his passing.

The rest of the day looks like it's going to be an exercise in putting one foot in front of each other. Let's hope tomorrow brings more energy.

One month

A month later and I am still having energy problems. On the positive side I mowed the lawn in one go on Friday evening, and yesterday filled up a trash bag with some dead shrubs I wanted to clear out of the garden. Also I waited outside sitting on my front porch for 10-15 minutes or so for food delivery.

There are several house things I need to get taken care of. Some shingles came off over the winter, my dishwasher doesn't want to start, I need to get a duplicate key for the garage and the two hardware stores weren't able to make a working duplicate.

Stop and go

With my father's passing, some days I feel ok, and some I feel terrible. Yesterday was terrible, I had dreamed of being chased by zombies most of the night, and felt like a zombie from lack of sleep. On the drive home I had to fight off a panic attack as I was stuck in stop and go traffic from 25-30 minutes.

Tuesday I did fine, until I neared home from my drive. I decided to stop and pick up some food, but I became totally exhausted and barely managed it.

I just found out my father has passed away.

I just found out my father has passed away.

Xanax vs atenolol

Saturday night I had some sleeping problems. Sunday night I was awake at 12:30 am and pretty much couldn't get back to sleep. As a result I felt terrible yesterday, counted the hours until work was over. Insomnia is a potential side effect of the beta blocker. Since I have my trip to work two hours away today, I opted to skip the beta blocker last night and go with a Xanax so I could definitely sleep. Got around 9 hours of sleep. I had been taking the beta blocker in the evening, I think I'm also going to switch it to the morning to help reduce effects on my sleep. Today will be Xanax, as I know much better how I will react and I don't want to experiment with the changed time for the beta blocker while driving for four hours today.

Beta blocker will begin again tomorrow morning, since I will be working locally at what's normally a quiet location.

Zoned out

Thursday Friday were one Xanax each. None this weekend. My doctor prescribed beta blockers for my high blood pressure, I started on them Friday night and was calm and a bit zoned out from them yesterday. I did get all my grocery shopping done without issue. Beta blockers are apparently also sometimes used for anxiety, so maybe that's why. The zoned out effect is apparently until my body gets used to the medication.

Wednesday

Why am I anxious about seeing my doctor for what should be little more than a checkup and renewing of my prescriptions? Breathing exercises....

Yesterday was not too bad. Some of the work I had expected would need to be done didn't, as the equipment functioned as desired the first time. Also the timeline that I thought was this week is actually a month. I had taken two Xanax in anticipation. I managed to eat a basically normal meal for dinner yesterday.

Last night I fell right asleep and slept mostly through the night. Didn't want to get out of bed. I think some of my current anxiety is wanting to nap but can't because of the doctor's appointment soon.

Monday over

Last night I don't think I slept more than an hour at a time all night. The best rest I got was when I finally decided to get out of bed and sit in my chair and fell asleep for a bit. As a result today I was mostly in my office with the door closed, nauseous. In the later afternoon I managed to get some work done.  Between yesterday's lunch when I had some chicken and tonight when I had some chicken and potato salad, I'd been surviving on water, yogurt, kefir, bananas, a bit of cereal (not pleasing for my stomach) and some chicken rice soup from a can (salty and unsatisfying). I'll be seeing my doctor on Wednesday morning for this.

Tomorrow the remote site wants what could be a bunch of work done. Ugg. I did kind of explain to them that I may not get it all done tomorrow because I've not been feeling well.

Between the anxiety, and the nausea, the anxiety has the worse feeling "peak", when I'm having the panic attacks, but I can fight it easier than the nausea via things like breathing exercises and Xanax if need be, the nausea is steadily terrible and energy draining. Being unable to eat normally is hard.

I am better at this time today than I was last week at this time, so I hope my remote site work tomorrow is similarly better.

can't sleep and can't sleep enough

I am alternating between can't sleep and can't sleep enough. Although in both cases I have no energy when I'm awake. The ginseng I ordered for my nausea has shown up, as has the melatonin for hopefully better sleep without needing Xanax. Friday was a much grateful for vacation day for Easter, one I'd forgotten about until Thursday afternoon.

According to my phone I slept for nearly ten hours last night, and only snored for a few minutes. So why did I wake up anxious and not refreshed? I wanted to keep sleeping but my anxiety was slowly rising. Hopefully just my body overreacting to the normal waking up. I still want to sleep, but I will hold out for a mid morning nap. I keep reading that people with sleep issues need regular sleep times, so I don't want to go right back to sleep after getting up and eating some breakfast.

edit: Developed a headache, made it to 1pm before nap. I am anxious today, headache, some nausea, and tired don't help that, or maybe they are making it worse. I tried the melatonin last night, and seem to be having the side effects of it. Trying not to think about the work week ahead. No upcoming work scheduled, but I have to go and take care of the things that come up.

Uggh

Beat and exhausted yesterday. Still beat and exhausted this morning. About to go to work.

I got nine hours of sleep

I slept in my other bed, the one in my actual bedroom. I've only slept in it a couple of time since my divorce. The warm air from the heating vent comes up onto the bed and was comforting as I wasn't under the covers.

I got myself to the city two hours away with help of Xanax. Fortunately there was almost no work to be done there because I was so exhausted. Driving home from there I am usually decently upbeat and listening to music and often getting ideas for my hobby project. But not today, just exhaustion and driving in silence. At least I managed to get there and back. On the way home I stopped in a market and bought some more kefir, which I bought last time I was at a market in order to hopefully improve my stomach. I've been reading some about how the gut bacteria can possibly affect mental health. And some bananas, I've been eating a lot of them since they're easy. The day is done and I don't have to go back for a week.

Very little sleep tonight.

Very little sleep tonight. Like a few hours scattered over the night. Tried counting backwards, tried moving to my other bed (worked for 45 minutes or so). I took a Xanax but it didn't help. Well, it did for an hour or so of sleep. Around 4:30 or so I just gave up on getting any sleep. If I go to work, I'll have to pack enough food I don't have to leave my office, because I probably won't have the energy to go out for anything.

edit: Once the dry heaving from nausea came on around 6am, I called in sick. Then I got a couple hours of sleep in a chair and now I don't feel quite so terrible. With the dry heaving, better to not push it and stay home and rest.

edit 2: went to the pharmacy and got some pepto bismol for the stomach. I wanted to get some ginger too but they didn't have any, so I ordered some from the internet. Now just sitting and staring, sitting and staring, occasionally clicking refresh on a few websites, mindlessly. My rib/sternum issue is bothering me, my stomach is still bothering me.

I think part of what happened was I reached a year on the job and then basically said to myself, ok, now what? Tomorrow is my normal day to be working in the city a few hours drive from here, I may reschedule that day for later this week as right now I'm not sure how I'll be tomorrow, if tonight will be a repeat of last night.

Cleaning to help the mind

After two weeks of anxiety, and just getting through the day as best I could, the past two nights have been spent tossing and turning and spending a few hours awake. Friday and yesterday I was nauseous, and yesterday I took a nap.

Today I did a few things to benefit myself. First was not eat that leftover pizza for lunch. Spicy pizza, probably not good for my stomach. My diet had been fairly poor for the past few weeks because I have lacked the energy to cook properly or even to get healthier foods for lunch at work some days. Instead of the leftover pizza I had mac and cheese on steamed veggies. The veggies at least are healthier, and the mac and cheese was at least organic and not full of chemical stuff.

I also decided I needed to do something about the messy state of my house and did some cleaning That way I can look at something in the house and say "That's done, I did something to benefit myself". I cleaned the top of the oven, the kitchen sink, did some sweeping, cleaned up stuff from my desk, and cleaned the bathroom some. That's enough for now, tired. The main things I deal with in the house are reasonably clean. I had been looking at the messy state they were in and it was sending a message to myself that I was just existing and letting things go. Even though it's a household chore, now I have a sense of having done something positive for myself. I feel somewhat better. Here's hoping the feeling stays.

Thursday

Woke up exhausted. I don't have anything in particular to do for work today, but the thought of going in to work panics me. Mainly, I am so tired, I feel as if I don't have the energy to walk out to my car, drive to work, and walk in to my office.

Made it through Wednesday

Tuesday was a two Xanax day (my prescription is up to three a day as needed, I've never taken three in a day). I did surprisingly well. Maybe it was the very early bedtime Monday, maybe it was the Xanax. Two and I usually feel calm all day.

Today I only took one. The main reason being that over the past ten days or so I'd taken two on several days with all the things I had going on, and I don't want to get in the mindset of needing to take two. I could have. I wanted to. One very messed up six way intersection under construction in the morning and a lot of requests once I got in to the office, I was anxious all day. My chest was tight. I was exhausted all day. But I didn't take a second Xanax.

I'm home, I took a warm shower, I'm fed. I should be relaxed, but I'm not. I don't know how I slept last night, I forgot to turn on the snoring app on my phone. Early to bed tonight, it's not quite 8:30pm. I'm so tired.

Positive stuff:
My phone's walking app says my 2300 steps today are the low for the past week, and I have two days over 4100. The past seven days is a bit over 21,000 steps, and is probably my best weekly total since September last year.

No pending work requests for tomorrow. Hopefully it will be slow.

Continued problems

Last week I was anxious all week about the cats and the vet, which turned out as expected when I had to flip the bed against the wall at 7 in the morning to get to the cat who does not approve of being put in the carrier to go to the vet.

Saturday I had to take my car in for recall service, and wait for it to be fixed, and the dealer still has it because it has about $1500 worth of other stuff that needed to be fixed (suspension etc). I have a loaner car until tomorrow.

Work last week was a lot of "need it now" stuff as well, and things not working when they were both simple and should have worked. My anxiety levels are high from all three of these.

My sleep quality continues to be poor, and I continue to be exhausted. Saturday night my downstairs tenants had guests over, and they were loud until past midnight. Wouldn't have been so bad if I haven't had all the other things going on.

This morning I was nauseous. I slept right through the night, but only for seven hours as it took me a long time to fall asleep even after a Xanax. I need more sleep than that even when I feel fine. I almost called in sick, and the reason I went in was because there were some work issues from last week that really needed to get resolved. All that made today miserable. At least one of last week's work issues got resolved, which calmed me a bit, but most of the workday I was a complete mess.

I need to get through tomorrow, my two hour trip to the remote factory and then come back to get my car from the dealer. Last week as I was going on my drive for work at the factory I started having panic as I got to the tollways, there are few exits so it's a trapped feeling of not being able to turn around and come home whenever I want. Tomorrow I get to make that drive in the dealer loaner car, the loaner is nicer than my car, but it's not "my car", just like a hotel bed is not your bed, it may be nicer but it's not as comfortable.

Right now, if anything, I feel worse than I did six weeks/two months ago, and that's my normal low point for the year. I'm going to be in bed tonight before it's dark, haven't done that in quite some time.

Get through tomorrow, that's the goal.

Four nights of bad sleep = problems.

After four nights of poor quality sleep, tossing and turning, waking up at 4am unable to fall back asleep, I was in a bad state yesterday. I took a Xanax in the evening, my first in six or seven days, it calmed me down. I did finally have some dreams last night, but I was dreaming I was at some kind of camp, but I was the only one there, there was no food, and I was going to have to walk miles to get anywhere to get food. That was not a comforting dream.

Last night I also slept oddly on my side, and my left side hurts enough to interfere with my breathing. Pain in the chest area and the breathing is not good for my anxiety. I considered calling in sick, but I'm going to stick with it and go to work.

On the other hand the weather is now above freezing, so all the snow is melting. This should be good, but instead since the weather's warmed up I've been miserable.

Thursday I have to wrangle my cats into their carrier to take them to the vet to have their teeth cleaned. Saturday I have to take my car in to the dealer for a recall, and I know the service is going to be about two hours. Both things are on my anxiety causing list, as in doing them has caused anxiety before. With the way I feel today I am not looking forward to this week. One day at a time. It can be easier to tell myself this than do it.

March on

I downloaded a sleep recording app for my phone, to record my snoring. I know I snore some from having two sleep tests done during the early years of my depression to sleep if my exhaustion was being caused by sleep issues. Those tests both came back with some snoring, but no real issues. Anyway, I wanted to get at least some idea of how much I snore versus how I feel the next day.

There is some definite correlation, I am more tired and more anxious when I snore more. But it's not a one to one correlation. For instance today I felt bad, at one point getting near panic attack despite my taking a Xanax earlier today.

Also quite tired today, and according to the sleep app I didn't snore very much, less than 5% of the night. On the positive side, I got out and went to the bank to deposit a check, went and put gas in my car, went to the pharmacy twice (once to drop off my prescription, once later to pick up since the wait was going to be 30+ minutes when I dropped off), dealt with the dryer repair person who was here to repair my dryer (the dryer has been broken for 2+ months, I kept meaning to call him but would never get around to it, and I could hang my clothes in my house to dry them), and have done about 12-14 flights of stairs today with all my trips out of the house and to do laundry (it's in the basement and I live on the second floor) now that I have a working dryer I can use to wash and dry large things like comforters. As you can guess, I'm writing these all down so I can tell myself how much I got accomplished today despite being very tired. It's just past 6pm, and I want to go to bed already.

The weather is starting to warm up, finally. So tired of the cold and snow. My weight went up over the winter. I tried to keep my step count on my phone app up, but it's harder in the winter when it's so cold you don't want to step outside. Also hard to get walking in when I'm tired and anxious. Hopefully spring and summer will let me lose it.

I bought myself some new work clothes yesterday, online so I didn't have to go out to the stores and be limited by the few things they have in my size (I'm tall, and those extra winter pounds didn't help). There's so little I like in stores for so long that comes in my size that it's just much easier to shop online. If I  find one thing I like well enough, I tend to just buy several of them in different colors. I needed some new work clothes, I've been wearing the same few things for a year.

Another good thing to write down here: I did not need to take any days off this past year due to depression/anxiety. Oh I certainly wanted to, but forced myself through with the help of Xanax when I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Having an office with a door helps a lot some days. Because of the nature of my contract work, I used some of my vacation days to match the clients vacation days, and I was even able to use my two remaining days for a few days off in February. I didn't go anywhere or do anything, it was far too cold for that, but the important thing is I was able to take some days off because I didn't have to use them all up for depression/anxiety.

Maximal

Anxiety, waiting for second xanax to kick in, first one this morning was not enough, near panic attack feelings.

 

Tiredness, exhausted from not enough sleep even though i stopped watching the super bowl at halftime and went to bed, plus exhaustion from the anxiety.

 

Terrible weather, heavy snow, poor driving conditions, made anxiety worse.

Got myself to work despite that.

Anxiety and exhaustion GO AWAY! Argh, i just want to go home and climb under the bed covers. Definitely so far the lowest day for me in quite some time, 18 months perhaps.

Need to get through the day so I can look back and tell myself I can do it on days like today.

Made it through Wednesday

Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I only woke up once in the night and didn't have any crazy dreams. Was still hard to get through the day, very tired. The pedometer on my phone says 3500 steps today.

Monday was less difficult than anticipated, as my part of the work was already done and didn't need any last minute adjustments, things worked right. The site was pleased with some other work I did Monday as well.

Tuesday was ok, I was tired in the afternoon. I got some good work done Tuesday for my hobby project, so at the end of the day I was able to look back positively.

Discount Tent

Now is the winter of my discount tent ;-)

Last week brought with it arctic temperatures and plenty of snow. While I had been hanging in there, this combination plus the cloudy weather and lack of sunlight hit hard. Getting consistent sleep has been a problem, as I've been sleeping for a few hours, then waking up and basically repeatedly napping the rest of the night. This leaves me exhausted during the day, and yet sometimes unable to fall asleep at night because my body has forced it's way through staying awake during the day and won't give in to sleep at night. Last night in my dreams, I was even more tired than I am awake, in my dream I was desperately tired and wanted to go to sleep.

I need to get through this week's trip to the city two hours away for work. It's scheduled for tomorrow, provided the snow cooperates. New production work there means they are more anxious than normal.