Still no energy

I'd hoped to have more over my vacation time. Instead I can hardly stay awake. Have done very little on my hobby project recently, don't have the energy. Just some mindless computer game playing.

No energy today.

Just played a game on the computer most of the day. Since I used up all the perishible food because I was going to be out of town, and it's Christmas so I couldn't go get anything, I'm having a plate of pasta for dinner.

Couldn't do it

Was able to get myself to the airport and to the gate, but just couldn't do it. Big time anxiety. Talked with an airline agent and got a ride being pushed in a wheelchair back out to my car. I felt terrible. I could barely walk from the anxiety. Called the family and told them I wasn't going to be able to be there. I feel terrible about that. I wanted to cry. And right now I just feel terrible in general.

I still want to cry. I'm so frustrated. I'd wanted to show myself that I could do it. Now what? This is a low point, it leaves me wondering how I'm going to take on other things.

Didn't sleep well

I tried to stay up later last night since I'm flying out west and will be dealing with the time change. My night was just a series of consecutive naps and I never relaxed. Since I don't land tonight until what will be midnight for me, I hope I can get some napping done on the plane.

At my gate at the airport. Anxiety level is extremely high, worst when checking in and walking the concourse. Flight is completely full. I cam 90 minutes before boarding in hopes my anxiety level will drop. Confrontation is a key component of CBT.

Not thinking about my trip

Not really thinking about my trip for tomorrow through Tuesday. Am tired today, had once of those mini starbucks drinks they sell at the grocery store, didn't make a difference I noticed.

No energy this morning

Dragged myself in to work. 8am and I have as little energy as when I walked out of work at 5pm yesterday. I thought I slept ok, asleep by 9:30 or so. My shoulder is bothering me as well. Hopefully trudging though todays work will get me going. Its almost winter solstice, I've been telling myself that days are going to start getting longer. The longer days don't normally start doing anything for menu til around March, which I know, but tell myself "longer days" anyway.

Hanging in there

Was ok Saturday. Very tired and low energy yesterday and today. Also felt better on Friday when the problem wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Holidays start on Friday for me. Flying out to see my family Saturday. I am most definitely not looking forward to the airport. The flying itself is not a problem, but the lines and general christmastime airport chaos will be a severe panic attack waiting to happen. I have not been doing well standing in even short lines at the grocery store recently, and standing in the long airport lines... Well I'll try my best. Cognitive behavior therapy encourages confronting the causes of panic. I'll keep telling myself that.

Last time I was out in LA with my family, I had a huge panic attack. All the chaos of Christmas and the coffee I needed to be awake for the family gathering was too much. I'd tried to make it through the full day of the gathering, but near dinner was totally overwhelmed.

No better this morning

I have to face the person, much worse

Exercise does you good

So tired yesterday, nearly had a panic attack waiting in line for lunch, and it was a one person line. Went for evening ping pong and got run around a bit for 30 minutes by someone who's better than I am. Felt positive after that. Did not have problems falling asleep, and anxiety so far today (10am) has been less. As difficult as it can be to motivate for exercise, it does me good to do it.

Edit: 4pm. Was busy today. Still holding up.

Edit: at the end of the day I looked at the work queue, and someone I worked on yesterday and rebuilt her computer put in a new ticket saying some of her data was missing. My anxiety level is now incredibly high. I made very sure I backed up all the person's data after I made a mistake this summer and lost data from someone. I'm terrified I missed something somehow.

Hard sleep

Yesterday was better than Monday. No panic attacks. My hands and feet have been cold, from anxiety, I can tell because they're properly warm when I'm feeling relaxed. Woke up around 5:30 this morning with my body all tensed up, tried to stretch it out into a more relaxed position and get a few more zzzs before the alarm.

Home refinance company decided yesterday, after weeks of telling me I could put my home equity loan into the main loan without any problems, that I can't do that and need to pay it off. Wonder where the money's going to come from for that. I have savings, but not that much.

Vertigo sleep anxiety

Had some significant anxiety today, at work and when I made myself go get some groceries on the way home (I was already exhausted). Id tried having one of those small starbucks frappucinos they sell at markets in glass bottles, hoping the caffeine would help the tiredness and not affect the anxiety. It didnt help, and it probably did, respectively.

Full or nearly full panic attack at the grocery. Managed to get the few things I'd gone for, as I was already heading for the line when the worst of it started, and was next in line with people behind me in line when the worst hit, it was tough.

Took a hot shower at home, helped some. Also tried some stretching and some basic exercises like situps. I felt some vertigo from that, maybe from the head movements of the sit-ups. Vertigo causes me lots of anxiety. A few years ago I got diagnosed with positional vertigo. When I received testing, the technician actually stopped some tests because I was one of the worst they'd seen. I've also been having vertigo when falling asleep, especially naps. It's to the point that I'm scared to nap/go to sleep because of fear of the vertigo sensation.

Positives for the day: all documents done for house refinance, that 5 minutes or so of exercise. Ending post on the positives. Time to get some sleep.

Didn't sleep well last night either

Tried going to bed at 9, but anxiety kept me up until 10. Silly thing is the anxiety was from trying to stay awake earlier and so my body was jolting itself back awake after nodding off at all. Also, I was so tired I was having some vertigo when I'd start to not off. I woke up several times and don't feel like I got any deep sleep.

I did get in 30 minutes of ping pong yesterday, which I wasn't too enthused about since I was very tired. And I finished fixing the broken handrail on the stairs, had to wait for the plaster spackle stuff to dry from when I applied it Saturday. It's not the greatest fix, since I'm not super handy, but at least it's up.Those are good things.

I get December 23 as vacation, so only 9 work days until a week and a day off. And a plane trip to see the family for a few days of that, we'll see how that goes.

Having a small attack

Right now in the middle of the night. Mostly anxious, it woke me up. I turned on my bedside light, it has a warm color that I find soothing, and is not so bright. It's more relaxing than the lights being off. Don't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but I had only one choice yet somehow I had to choose from among multiple things despite their only being one choice available and visible to me.

My rib/sternum are bothering me. It tends to do that because it shifts or something when my shoulder pops, which tends to happen because of a motion with it I tend to make when anxious. I can make it happen on purpose by rotating my shoulder in a certain way. It makes a couple of my upper left ribs sore on the front of my chest. And my body's reaction to the feeling (other than anxiety) is to tend to move the shoulder around in just the way that causes the feeling in the first place. Upper left front of the chest is not exactly a good place for soreness in someone with anxiety attacks already, since it's said an anxiety attack can make you feel like you are having a heart attack. If I pay attention to the feeling I can tell it's at rib level and not inside my chest at heart level, and of course it's something I can consciously cause with shoulder movement. However anxiety attacks are not the most logical of moments.

Writing posts while having the anxiety attacks helps distract me from the anxiety, helping with the attacks. I should take some Alleve (that generally seems to help with the ribs/sternum) and try to relax enough to fall back to sleep.

Only woke up 8 or 9 times last night

Probably not going to be a banner day. We'll see. Will do my best.

Edit: I should add a bit of good news here. Stepped on the scale this morning and have now lost 26 pounds, putting me within 5 of my wedding day weight. 26 pounds over 8 months. My goal had been reaching my wedding weight over a year, so I'm doing well there. Slow and steady.

I'm sorry sweetie.

Had to file yet more paperwork related to my divorce today. Hopefully the last for awhile. I understand why she left, because of my depression and anxiety, I'm not the person she fell in love with and married. I don't blame her at her at all, I was unable to be the person for her. I wanted to be, but as much as I tried, I couldn't. I'm sorry sweeti, really I ame.

It's a little past 6pm. I'm very tired, you can see it in my other post today. Just trying to relax a bit before going to bed. Ping pong is tonight, but I don't have the energy. In two more weeks, I have a week off from work. Also found out this week I didn't get the job I applied for, but will be keeping my current position. Right now I think it's for the better, as the current position has less stress.

Panic attack while waiting

Just had a panic attack while standing waiting for the chef to cook my lunch. Got the world is closing in on me feeling. Got the need to get out of here feeling. Got the going to pass out feeling. Got out of line and sat for a few minutes until my order was done. I actually went to bed before 9 last night so I should be rested, but I don't really feel like it. I've been standing forward on my toes for the past week or so, like my balance is off.


I need to close my eyes for a bit while I'm still at lunch, prepare for afternoon work.

edit: didn't get any shuteye. I have no idea how I made it through an hourlong afternoon meeting. Waiting in line at the Qdoba for something to take home for dinner, I started getting the panic again, but it was fast enough it didn't have a chance to really get going.

As tired as I was yesterday

I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed around in bed for two hours after going to bed (at 8pm). Saturday I had a bit of energy in the evening after not having much during the day. Had to take the cats to the vet, and sitting in the tiny appointment room with my one cat physically attached to me he was so scared. His anxiety transferred to me, and I was still tired. Then another appointment in the afternoon related to my house refinance.

Sunday was tired all day. Still did my ping pong. Wanted to nap instead, but went. I hope I have more energy at work this week.

Just want to sleep

I havnt gotten more than a few straight hours of sleep in the past few days, always waking out of dream states. Not sleeping on my back, which is where some sleep studies a few years ago showed minor insignificant apneas. I've been taking hot showers before bed, and those leave me relaxed, but it's not lasting through the night.

Half asleep on my feet today, work is extra busy with people out sick as well.

Falling asleep

Had energy for an hour or so after ping pong last night. Wanted to skip and sleep but went anyway. Very little energy today. Still want to sleep. Woke up last night with my shirt tightly wrapped around me, indicating that I'd been twisting and turning in my sleep.

Funny that

Monday I was actually awake the whole day once I got going in the morning. Wasn't even tired in the evening, just went to bed because it was time. Had some stressful dreams and was very tired yesterday. Got what I thought was a good nights rest but still half asleep at 9am. If it was the weekend or holiday I'd climb back into bed and have a nap.

All documents are in for the home refinance except for some I'm waiting to receive from the IRS. Still waiting to hear on the job, boss had said he'd schedule time with me this week but hasn't yet. My boss isn't based out of the same office as I am so I only see him once or twice a week anyway, so I don't think that's an especially bad sign, and in all likelihood id keep the contract position anyway since it's a different position and still a needed one.

Too tired to sleep

I was totally exhausted yesterday. Tried to work my way through it but it wound up being overwhelming by the evening. I went to bed at 8:30, and was unable to fall asleep until after 10. Woke up around 2am, unable to fall back asleep, it's nearly 3:30. Sleep wasn't restful either. Think my body is starting to relax a bit now and will get a couple of hours. Hope that's going to be enough.

Current stress sources:
Waiting to hear on job interview.
Trying to refinance house to remove ex spouse from title.
Holiday trip to see family booked, concern because last time I saw family I had large anxiety attack, concerned it will happen again. Would rather not go at all, travel is stressful.
Think I broke something at work and have been dreading going in today and being unable to fix it. Will look bad with the job interview results there.

Overdid the exercise

I drew an opponent significantly better than me yesterday. My 40 minutes of exercise left me pretty beat up. Still tired this morning, so we'll see how today goes. I didn't get great sleep Saturday night or last night. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until 10:30 or so, woke up at 1:30 unrefreshed, woke up to the alarm from a heavy sleep and wanted to stay in bed. I did good Friday night though. Friday afternoon was stressful at work.

Edit: 2pm. Was working with someone and almost had a vertigo. Had to step away for a minute. Still tired like this morning. I seem to get it more when I'm very tired, maybe my body is having microsleep. I should drive more, never feel so tired when driving. Didn't nap over lunch, wanted to. Not feeling productive because of the vertigo. I feel like the vertigo and tiredness/depresion hold me back from being all I could be, my memory stinks for example, poor short term memory is one common effect of depression. At least work is slower this week with the holiday. I can't wait for four straight days off.

Still no word on the job. If I'm lucky they'll hire me and have me do what I'm already doing. That would be the best situation for me.

Oh yeah, one bit of positive news, lost another two pounds in the past two weeks. That makes 24 since around end of March. Slow and steady, eating generally right and the amount of excercise I get is producing results. I'm now back within 10 of my long term typical weight. I could use another 20 or so past that for health, but am determined to not think about the end goal because that's fairly far off, maybe a year or so at my current rate.

Bleh

Monday I felt ok. Yesterday not so bad even though I wound down at the end of the workday. Last night I wound up in a funny position for my shoulder while sleeping, and so woke up with my ribs hurting. Couldn't fall back asleep for about an hour, and did not sleep well. I need to go in to work early to get some things done, and I'm wondering if I'll get called in to my boss's office to find out the results of my interview (that's stressful one way or the other, I hate meetings where I'm the focus).

Next week is Thanksgiving. I'm definitely looking forward to having 4 straight days off. Haven't had that since I started working.

Tired today

Got my 40 minutes of ping pong, though I didn't especially feel like it. Tired. I was better Friday and yesterday. My bad shoulder is making all the bones in my chest creak, a feeling that's no good for my anxiety. I'm consistently getting 40 minutes of ping pong in. Last year at this time 20 minutes was a lot.

slept like a rock

Played 40-45 minutes of ping pong last night and slept like a rock, not long enough though, in bed around 9:30. Very tired today, napped at lunch and really fought it. I've been taking the vitamin D every day. Since the first day I took it aligned with my best day in at least a month I was thinking 'wow, magic!", but apparently not. First snow of the year is supposed to be tomorrow.

Interview today

I already work there as a contractor, so there's a fair chance the decision's already been made. Still nervous. Like most everyone, I get nervous with interviews.

I don't know why, but I was pretty good yesterday. Only getting somewhat tired towards the end of the workday. Even raked leaves when I got home. The front yard is done for the year, maybe another bag or two of leaves still on a tree in the back.

No restful sleep last night

I was so tired I couldn't fall asleep, and when I did it want restful. Woke up around 3 and didn't get back to sleep until around 5. Only between 5 and the 6:30 alarm was I relaxed. Work is front loaded today, need to make it to lunch. Took my first vitamin d supplement of this fall.

End of daylight savings

Have to work extra hard to make sure I'm getting enough light.

Saturday I raked the leaves in the yard for 20 minutes. Probably one more raking will be needed since there are still some on one backyard tree. Tired the whole day Saturday, that seems to be normal recently. I guess my body is recovering from the week.

Sunday I felt more energetic. Got in 40 minutes or so of ping pong, with someone new to the club so not playing hard. The chai I had Sunday may have helped. Didn't fall into bed exhausted like normal.

Only problem was I woke up 4-5 times overnight. And I had to move stuff around at work for about 40 minutes first thing at work. Now I'm totally exhausted again and it's 9am. I just tell myself the excercise helps.

Bought some multi-vitamins last week, to make sure I'm getting enough. I've been consistently taking them, but if the B and D are helping I havnt noticed yet. Last year I tried high potency B and D. Didn't really notice anything with them, maybe I'll try again.

Was doing ok until about 12:30. It's now 3pm, and it's a huge effort to stay awake. At least I can probably leave at 4:30 thanks to daylight savings. Hopefully it's the poor sleep or caffeine from this mornings cup of chai wearing off.

cats played all night

I got 40 minutes of good ping pong in, lots of moving my rear around. Good for me though it normally leaves me tired the next day. I could deal with that if my cats didn't roughhouse all night long, constantly waking me up, bad. It's going to be a long day. I just got out of bed and can feel the beginnings of my body having an anxiety attack to keep itself awake.

Around 10am the anxiety calmed down. Was still very tired. Napped during my lunch hour. By abour 3:30 I was in zombie mode with nothing left in the tank. Took a break for 10 minutes or so and got some energy back, enough to get through the rest of the day. It was tough. Tomorrow is Friday.

Tired

Yesterday I thought I did better than I have for a few weeks. Not nearly so exhausted as I've been. I may have pushed it too much, staying up until 9:30 working on something for my hobby project and not being able to figure out abhor wasn't working. Quite tired today. Weather was nice for a November day where I live, I got out and sat in the sun at lunch with only a sweater. still much better than a week or two ago, but also not where I want to be. Yesterday wasn't great, but it was a lot more bearable.

I'm not asleep

I was asleep by 8:30 yesterday, and up at 6:30 today. I still feel as if I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm more tired than I was a few years ago after 24 hours in planes and airports coming back from Europe. Of course after that I got 8 hours and was all set, no jet lag on the coming home part of the trip. I don't think the pasta lunch today helped either.

 edit: it's now 8:30. Somehow I managed to not fall asleep, and even went to the supermarket on the way home. Did some productive work for my hobby project after dinner. Now for bed though.

no topic

I crossed four things off my list of six things I needed to fix or get working for my hobby project yesterday. And went out and took care of a few things like getting a flu shot. Both positive things. On the other hand by the afternoon I was really tired, and in bed by 8. Woke up at 12:30 and didn't fall back asleep until around 2.

Went for ping pong. Didn't play particularly well or especially feel like playing (feel like napping) , but did about 30 minutes.

While I don't feel great today...

I at least feel functional. Tired, but not wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. I was in bed by 8 last night. It's Friday, so I have a weekend to look forward to sleeping in. More productive at work today than the rest of this week. Still want to get a nap at lunch.

Got some sleep

I skipped ping pong last night as I was falling asleep already. In bed around 7pm and fell right asleep. Woke up a few times but not from panic or vertigo. Felt more positive this morning until getting a big wave of tired not long after getting to work. One night won't make up for a week of no sleep I guess. By 8:30am I felt like I needed a nap and would fall asleep if I wasn't fighting it. It's now 9am and I'm fighting it and trying to work.

I've been off fluoxetine since March. Maybe time to start again if I'm not improving through the coming weekend.

edit: fought it through the entire day, had to get up and walk around a bit or stand some times. Took a 10 minute lunch nap. 8pm, now bedtime.

At work again

I got the lawn mowed last night. That was a victory. I knew I had to do it as soon as I got home or it wasn't going to get done. Probably last time this year with cold weather coming. Felt bad and out of it afterward. Went to bed at 9 and couldn't fall asleep despite the exhaustion. Woke up in the middle of the night, only to discover it was only 11. Woke up panicky and with a bit of vertigo around 3. Tried to go back to sleep but couldnt, was getting mild vertigo when closing my eyes, even when I moved to a chair. Got up and took a warm shower. That relaxed me enough I was able to climb back into bed and fall asleep. Managed to get some decent sleep until the alarm web off. Not as difficult getting myself in to work today as yesterday. It's only 8:30 and I don't know how I'm going to get any work done today. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other I guess. I could really use some good sleep, it's been a week. Patience and perserverance.

Made it to 12:30. Calmer, but still very tired. Brain doesn't want to let go for a nap. My meeting this afternoon is going to be a challenge. Was reading on CNN about mindfulness meditation, wrote down the name of the authors book so I can get it. It's supposed to be useful against depression.

At work

Truly a mind over matter day. Getting up, ready, and to work. Fortunately not much brainpower required today. Just exhausted. Napped a bit over lunch, I didn't doze off quickly, so I think I was only asleep for maybe 10 minutes. I feel like I need a couple of hours, even though I was in bed at 8 last night, and woke up around 5:30. Workday ends in another three hours. I want to nod off but I'm afraid of having the vertigo while doing so. I think my brain is so tired it's forgetting to balance while I nap.

The anxiety and the depression I can deal with, at least I believe I can. The vertigo I cant, it's very scary. I bought some Dramamine yesterday, took one, and was out like a light 90 minutes later. Can't do that at work.

I got some Mexican lime chicken soup with lunch. I like it, but the sloppy joe filled me up.

Last week at this time I was tired, but I was making myself function fine. I could tell myself, yes, you are tired, but youre going to do this because its just depression tired. I started getting a fever and feeling bad last wednesday. I hope I just have a bug, even though I'm not coughing or sneezing, and this clears up. The tired but functional I was dealing with.

Sleeping upright

After doing the home treatment maneuvers for the vertigo, you have to sleep upright. I do not sleep well upright. I woke up essentially every hour or more frequently. My head still doesn't feel right, so I've called in sick to work. I was already scheduled for the morning off.

Vertigo, panic and nausea

I've was diagnosed with benign positional vertigo several years ago. In fact the tech when I was tested told me I was one of the worst she'd ever seen on the tests. I occasionally get vertigo when falling asleep, I guess my head nods or parts of my brain turn off before they should. I woke up early this morning and while eating breakfast I had a severe bpv episode. Right now I'm ready to puke from the nausea, having a surge of panic from the vertigo feeling, exhausted, and afraid to try to sleep for fear of the vertigo happening,

Saturday

Thursday I still felt terrible and had to nap at lunch. Felt somewhat better Friday. I didn't nap but I certainly wanted to, and felt pretty bad towards the end of the workday. I was really tired when I got home. Ordered delivery sushi for dinner. Forced myself to get some things taken care of, watched some videos on youtube related to my hobby project. Turned on my SAD light and stayed up until 10.

Slept until 7:30 this morning. Woke up in the middle of the night having a bad dream (I dreamt I was in The Thing.). Got myself out to the farmers market despite not really feeling that awake, and despite the fall chill having arrived. I did enjoy the fresh mini donuts. Despite getting a mocha coffee I never really woke up. By 11am I was desperate for a nap, and took one around noon after eating something. Still tired. Will be spending a lot of time in front of the SAD light.

Must fight.

Yesterday, couldn't sleep enough. Now it's the middle of the night and I've woken up and can't fall back asleep. Came out to the computer chair and can't sleep there either. A bit of nausea as well. I had a sick co-worker last week who had to miss several days. I hope it's just from him, and I'm a little sick and not headed for a depression. Must fight. My job gives no sickdays and vacation the first year. I haven't missed any days this year for being sick. Don't want to miss any due to depression. Must fight it.

edit: it's nearly 6:30.  I didn't get any good sleep after what I wrote about 3:30, sleep for a bit, wake up. Tried getting up and taking a warm shower. Didn't really help. Making a go of it today. We'll see. I expect to have to nap, and I don't expect to be very productive. But I'm going to beat this.

edit again: felt better once I got to work. Did take a quick nap over lunchtime. Pretty well totally beat by the end of the workday. Didn't feel so great. I did go and get in my table tennis, 30 minutes or so.

Today was terribly hard

I was quite tired yesterday, but went to bed early and felt I slept well. But I never really "woke up" today, felt like I could sleep for plenty more. Not very effective today at work, and by the afternoon I was pretty much ineffective. I was at someone's desk and felt a huge need to sleep, very chilly, and got that "I'm going to pass out" feeling that comes with panic attacks. Oddly I didn't have the usual adrenaline surge I get during panic. It was very difficult to fight off. I just wanted to come home and climb into bed. Was able to fight it barely, but didn't really get much else done in the afternoon.

This past Saturday I was pretty productive, Sunday I was pretty beat though. Tomorrow I'm going to start using the SAD lightbox. The weather is changing, and it's visible earlier sunset and later sunrise. After today, I'm hoping this isn't going to be what things are like the whole winter.

On the good side, I've successfully lost a few more pounds. 20 down, 20 to go for my goal. And my one cat finally seems somewhat ok with my walking up to him, he's been a scaredy cat since I got him four years ago as a 6 month old. He's only ok if I'm sitting or lying down, not standing.

Finally had to nap

Made it to Wednesday, but I never "woke up", and finally napped for 15-20 minutes at lunchtime. Played my 40 minutes of ping pong Wednesday night. Got through Thursday, but was beat after the day and sweeping the floor at home after work. Had a bit of fever, felt warm. Went to bed early but did not sleep well. I'd shifted back to the bed after sleeping on the pull out futon bed for the past month or so, they have the same mattress, though the bed is old and soft. Beat today too, getting though. Yay weekend. Havnt had much energy after work for the past two weeks. Have had to put some stuff back together for my hobby project since I lost it. It's a slog recreating work, and I'm wondering how much I'm missing in it.

Pizza for lunch. Work cafeteria has surprisingly good pizza they make on Fridays.

Made it

One month with no naps. Going to nap today though, I couldn't fall asleep last night and did not sleep well. I got maybe 6 hours of sleep. I did some situps right before I'd tried to go to bed. I think that did it.

Good thing: My recent re-commitment to healthy eating is paying off. I lost 3 pounds. Yay me. I'd been plateaued.

Digging in the dirt

It's more than a Peter Gabriel lyric, it's what I spent 40 minutes doing yesterday to get a half completed landscaping project in place before it rains for a week. Yay for me for getting that much exercise, and for finishing the project. Afterwards I felt very tired, 40 minutes of shoveling dirt and placing large paving stones. Quite beat today as well. I was too worn out to get to sleep easy and to sleep well.

With all that I started getting some panic driving to work. I did a very good job of cutting it off by realizing what my body was doing. I'm still beat from yesterday/last night though, well see about having enough energy for ping pong tonight.

Tomorrow will mark three weeks without needing a nap. I feel like I could use one today, I think I deserve one after yesterday, but I also don't want to since I think i still need to work on not napping to ingrain that. There was a Greek philosopher that said something lime actions lead to habits, habits lead to destinies or something lime that. I think there were a few more in between steps. Anyway I still feel like not napping is an action, so it needs further reinforcement.

Retraining the brain part 2

I've forced myself into more exercise this week, with 20-30 minutes of digging in the garden Monday and Tuesday, and 45(!) minutes of good sweaty ping pong. By digging in the garden I mean actual digging, trying to remove all the grass that's grown out over the sidewalk in a thick mat over 6-8 inches from the edge of the sidewalk. Hopefully trimmed back it will look nicer. Also I want to put brick along the edge of the walkway from the driveway to the front door for a similar reason. Not nearly done with the walkway, and maybe half done with the sidewalk, but not pushing myself to do everything at once and overwhelm myself. Have to shower after the gardening from working up a sweat digging. Four consecutive days of 20+ minutes of excercise. Yesterday I took a 15 minute lunch walk and played hard at ping pong for another 45, quite proud of myself for that. Need to keep all this up.

Have not napped durin the day for two weeks now. Yesterday I had what most people would say was normal energy level. First time in I don't know how long for me. I've done two things over the past two weeks, I stopped eating cereal for breakfast (it was a healthy cereal, not sugary stuff), and switched to yogurt and a piece of fruit, with a yogurt/fruit/granola parfait from the work cafeteria for a morning snack. And this week I added the additional excercise.

Spoke with my boss, he's happy with how I'm doing at work. He doesn't know about the depression, but he does know I was having a lot of personal stress about 6 months ago.

Retraining the brain

No naps for a week.

Still waiting for a good nights sleep

Felt ok yesterday morning, got out for a 15 minute walk at lunch. Took a nap after tha and felt exhausted the rest of the day. Put myself to bed shortly after 8, but slept the whole night in one hour chunks. Around 4 I got up and showered and moved to a chair where I napped away the rest of the night, also waking regularly, so just came in to work early. I don't really mind coming in early if I'm already awake, it means I can leave early, and my current job responsibilities are about getting the work done rather than needing to do it 8-5.

Working on the CBT, still trying to retrain the negative thinking and keep it normal.

Sunday was really the only good sleep I've gotten in a while. This weekend is a three day weekend, so I'm hoping to get a couple nights in a row of good sleep.

Fall is coming, so it's time to get out the SAD light and start banking "sunshine" for the winter.

Ping pong tonight, havnt missed a session since maybe March. Twice a week for 20-60 minutes, working up a positive sweat every time.

Moving through the week

Tueay I was pretty miserable even though I felt like I'd had some decent sleep. Wednesday was not bad, but I took a nap over lunch hour. Got in my excercise with about 30 minutes of ping pong. Pretty beat after, but felt I got in a good of exercise and had enough sweat to show for it.

There was a big storm last night. And while it didn't wake me up I'm not sure I got a good night's sleep. Tired, lunch hour nap probably. Sometimes when I'm tired I have my vertigo, which I have a bit of today. Grr.

No anxiety attacks since the last one I wrote about.

Still tired

Have not slept well since last week. Saturday night I was awake from 2-3:30 or so, and this morning woke up at 5 and couldn't relax enough to get back to sleep. My stomach was upset from the early wakeup, which didn't help. Came in to work early since I was already up. Hopefully good sleep is in my near future, I've always suffered if I don't get a good nights sleep, much less 4-5 in a row. I can't think of any particular reason for the bad sleep, the work stress of last week was resolved, the re-tiling is done, etc. Only thing remaining is my persistent shoulder injury.

Tired today

I guess I didn't sleep very well last night as I'm tired today. Napped a bit over lunch hour. I'd calmed down by Wednesday over Mondays stuff, and yesterday was a low stress workday. The contractor re-tiling the stairs is taking longer than anticipated, butwhen I was off Wednesday it was clear he was working the whole time. That should be finished today. The need/desire to re-tile them had been on my mind for at least a year. It makes that part of the house look much nicer.

Messed up

While solving someones computer problem for work on Friday I had to back up the computer and start all over. Except the backup turned out to miss a bunch of things (only all the important things). I feel absolutely terrible. My fingers are crossed the file recovery utility can save them. The guy is not going to be happy about that if it can't. Yes, I understand it happens and everyone makes mistakes, doesn't make me feel less bad. Definitely my fault. The only time I can remember doing this, but wrong person to make the mistake with. Reminding myself as I typeto try not to stew over this like I can do.

Also had two other priority "need it now!!!" issues today, one getting attention from my manager. Those are resolved. For a while I had all three going at once. Work is very high on the anxiety scale today. Have not had a panic attack, though in the spare bits in between the other things was thinking I wouldn't be surprised if I did. Going to go home and play with my cats and maybe try some meditation.

Was feeling positive about 40 minutes of ping pong yesterday. Played more actual competitive games than I have since starting with the club last year.

Good weekend

Good and productive yesterday and today.

Down day

Not having a great go of things today. Quite tired despite 8 hours of sleep. One cat woke me up in the night, with it's snoring! Monday was actually my best day this week despite getting terrible sleep the night before (I even wound up trying to sleep in a chair to get some sleep). Also ATT screwed up my internet, so I'll have no Internet at home until a week from now, thanks ATT! Trying to stay strong, definitely need to remind myself of negative thoughts on depression and energy today so they don't dwell.

Ping pong is tonight. I will be going whether I feel like it or not. Work has been very busy with the new responsibilities, I don't look forward to it and am glad when the workday is done. Building new computers for people is fine, but the data transfers have been full of unanticipated errors. Toughing it out, I need to be working.

Home and house stuff has been under control. Lawn is mowed, floors are recently swept, bathroom is cleaned and kitchen is normal. I'm having the old and in places broken tile on a staircase replaced next week.

I've been trying to lose weight. I have been stuck for about a month now as the weight loss plateaued. Lost 15 pounds from when I started a few months ago. Hoping the steady losses start back up, I need to lose another 15 or so to get back to what I'd been steady at for years. I could use another 15 on top of that, but let's get back to my regular weight first.

Mini panic

My bum left shoulder is combining with a general lack of quality sleep over the past week and a change in my job responsibilities as I take over most of the work for someone who left the company to give me a mini panic attack this morning. Funnily enough, last night was my best sleep in the past week. I've got several things piled up at work because of the job responsibility change, and the new stuff requires a lot of bookkeeping/paperwork which is not my strong suit. Just going to have to deal with it as best I can.

Played ping pong for 45 minutes on Sunday, that was good, but I think I overdid it as that's when the shoulder started acting up. I've been consistent with my ping pong, going twice a week for at least 30 minutes, and getting 30-40 minutes of walking around the farmers market as well. Also have spent some time after work doing weeding/gardening stuff, maybe once a week for 20-30 minutes. So my physical activity levels have been higher than they've been for a few years.

As a result, today's attack is disappointing. I had not expected such a bump on my road to recovery given that I've been doing generally well for the past few months. Need to keep things up and moving forward.

Positive

Regular excercise, getting 30 minutes of table tennis twice a week and 30+ minutes of walking for the farmers market. Eating properly and have lost a few pounds. Feeling good about those. Still off medicine. Not so tired as my last post, I've mostly been sleeping better. 3 day weekend coming up.

Hugely tired

The past three days I've been exhausted at work. Wednesday was a five hour meeting so that was more understandable I guess. Yesterday and today I've turned my lunchtime into naps at my desk. I seem to be getting Ok quality sleep. In bed around 10 and up at 6:30. I guess I need to get into bed earlier. Not really feeling tired earlier though, maybe it's those break time naps.

Not feeling particularly down other than the tiredness. I noticed today I have forgotten to take my medicine since Monday maybe. But the elimination time for that is too long for the tiredness to be an immediate side effect, or maybe it is.

Computer died last week and I had to get a new one. Kind of annoying. New one works better. I looked into getting some work done on the house and was surprised at how much it was going to cost. Cant afford it all at this time. Almost a month has passed since the events of my last post. House seems kind of empty at night.

Have been steadily going for the farmers market and ping pong. Played 30 minutes of competitive ping pong last Sunday and worked up a good sweat.

That's that.

Back to Europe for her. Needless to say the last two months have been awkward.

Phew!

Still hanging in there. Now that I have proper access at work I've been able to do more stuff. Is it tiring? Yes. I'm pretty beat on the weekends. Didn't hear back from that woman. Bummer. Wish it would stop raining almost every day. Would like to have more energy on the weekends. It will come I guess.

90 minutes of excercise

Lots of gardening yesterday. Put in a couple of bushes after digging out the old. Yes, pretty beat up after that. And pretty beat up overnight. Still yay me!

Working the platitudes

Working hard on internalizing the platitudes of "it's ok to be tired, anyone would be stressed by this". Had to take a nap after a high anxiety morning, meeting someone new in someplace new to me (Definitely enjoyable though.). After that a trip to the computer store for a part for my computer, since the computer died. At least it was just a power issue and Windows remained fine. Disconnecting the power supply from all the internal bits and connecting the new one was a pain, tight working conditions and I didn't know for sure if it would work or not. Fortunately it did.

Made it through week 2

Better than week one. I did some work this week, there was a delay in getting me set up in their computer systems, so I couldn't access anything I needed to until yesterday.

Made it through first day

Spent pretty much most of the morning in panic attack mode, trying not to show it while being dragged around to meet people, get keycards etc. Had a smaller attack at one point. Afternoon was better as I only had one thing scheduled and so was able to sit at my desk and just try to read stuff.

No quitting.

new job

I was expecting to be asked to start next week. Instead they just called and want me to start tomorrow. Going to do some meditation tonight and get to bed early. Not sure how I'm going to handle a new job + divorce. Will do my best.

All boxed up.

Earlier this week I'd been managing to get by despite not sleeping well. It caught up to me today and I slept in fits until noon. Seeing things all boxed up for shipment hit me. Working hard on the stuff from the therapist.

Unsurprisingly tired

I have not been sleeping all that well. Which is no surprise. Keeping up with my schedule of things though. Drove out yesterday to get my drug etc testing done for my new job. Yeah, new job! It's been awhile. Focusing on the cognition things, telling myself it's perfectly natural to be tired and not sleeping well, which, of course, it is. No panic attacks since the last one I mentioned in the blog.

RL the game

After 10 years of co-op, my game of RL is going back to single player. :-(

Anxiety attack darn it

I haven't had one for months. Was quite tired yesterday after my walk and the caffeine from my coffee during the morning trip to the farmers market wore off. I hadn't slept well for the past few days. A little upset stomach, (from lack of sleep ?), and a dream where I was fighting someone, and that's enough.

This one was short and fairly mild as such things go. But I'm posting at 2am because of it, using the posting to distract me.

Spring is coming

I'm up to twice a week for 20-25 minutes of ping pong, and working up a sweat doing so. Also got out today and had a walk. Snow is finally melting. My attitude is improving as well.

Whew

So much snow in the driveway that I got the car stuck right at the street. Spent 40 minutes digging and rocking the car. Now it's sitting in the street, waiting for the plow guy to come for the driveway. I'm very tired. It's not safe to drive today, not going to be going anywhere.

Call it a victory

Feb 14th is bad where I live for house emergencies. A few years ago we had a huge snowstorm which triggered a depression episode for me. There was a couple feet of snow in our driveway and it needed to be shoveled to get out. Couldn't drag myself out of bed.

Today I woke up to a call from our tenants. Melting ice ripped a gutter off the entire side of the house, downing a bunch of lines running to the house. Called police and they and the fire department came out and said it was phone/cable lines. I got the driveway cleared, let our tenants know, and went to get some donuts (morning was already off to a bad start so why not). Only to find the donut store didn't have any donuts... at all. Something had broken or something. So went over to Panera and got muffins instead. Called the phone company and they will be out today to take care of the downed lines.

Still here

Friday
Had a three hour interview a few days ago, so much fun :-) I spoke with 5 different people one on one. Basically I gave 90% the same interview 5 times. Being shuffled from person to person gave me a bit to collect myself in between. Felt fine enough to go grab some vietnamese from a restaurant near our old house for lunch. Was mentally tired for most of the rest of the day.

With another interview the previous week, maybe I will be employed again soon. Tired today, but hanging in there despite not being productive. Feel like I could use a nap. Acupuncture later today.

Saturday
Went and did the Farmers market, making this now a weekly trip as I've been the past 4 weeks in a row. Better weather, less people, how does that work? Anyway the merchants I've been buying from seem to recognize me. And the anxiety level of going is down/gone.

Sunday
Spent 20-25 minutes at ping pong and worked up a sweat against a very enthusiastic opponent. He must be one of the Wednesday people as I haven't seen him before. Need to keep up the activity level.

Monday
Woke up to a call from the tenants, icefall had taken out the gutter and lines running to the house from a utility pole. Called police in case it was power lines even though we had power. Police and fire identified them as phone/cable lines. So I cleared the mess from the driveway, getting good excercise in before 8am. Figured I deserved a donut for that. Went to the donut place and they didn't have anything at all, broken oven or no delivery to them or something, went to Panera for a muffin instead. Well deserved after the morning's work. Then called the phone/cable companies to get them to come out and reattach their lines to the house.

I tried to view this as a test of my progress since it was Valentines day several years ago that I had couldn't get out of bed depression because a huge snowstorm had left several feet of snow in our driveway. Anyway once this was all done (at least what I could do, no reconnecting cables to utility poles) I felt like I'd passed a test.

Up early

Drip drip drip coming from inside the house woke me up at 6. Water inside the windowpane of one window. I went up to the attic and can see the spot where it's getting in, but it's tucked into a spot that's out of reach. Also I see the water getting in, but don't see an actual hole or anything.

For now it's just a pot to catch it as there doesn't seem to be much I can do to address the leak itself. It's in the roof, or where the roof and the gutter meet. Can't look at it from the outside since it's the second floor level and there's that pesky ice storm.

Interview

Went for a job interview today. No special panic, just the normal anxiety of someone interviewing I think.

Good day

30 minutes of ping pong, and 4 trips to the market for stuff.

acupuncture and a drive

Had my acupuncture today. After that I drove down to where I am having an interview on Monday. The idea was to lessen the anxiety since I'd know where the place is.

coffee crash

Went out for coffee this morning. It wore off as I was shoveling snow in the driveway to get some exercise. Ate some trail mix to perk up the energy.

therapist

Went to my therapist yesterday. And later went out and walked for 15 minutes in the mall. Then yesterday evening wound up needing to go out to the mall again (to actually buy something) and another store.

out twice

Yesterday I spent about 90 minutes at the mall. Walked the mall and spent the rest of the time in the food court area watching tv in the "lounge".

Today I went to the local farmers market for 20 minutes or so, and later went to the Museum of Art for 30 or so.

Trip downtown and lunch out

Went downtown for something. Had a good enough walk to get to where I needed to go. Panic levels were bearable. Went out for lunch at a restaurant afterwards.

Interview

My hobby project has produced an interview, which I had today via computer chat. Took a nap after lunch despite a coffee this morning. Didn't feel the caffeine until later (feeling it now).

Tired today as well

But I am getting out for more things.

Tired today

Didn't get very good sleep, with the caffeine and snowplows etc. Took a nap this morning and feeling better. Went out and got the screw I needed to fix the refrigerator door handle. Did that. Went back to a bakery where I'd had a lot of panic some months ago, handled that without panic. Walked through a mall, small panic.

More cleaning and airport pickup

More cleaning. And a trip to pick up someone from the airport coming up shortly. Weather is pretty bad, so it's going to be a "fun" drive.

Later: yep, slip sliding the whole way there. Got there just in time. Driving back was a lot better until close to the house.

50 minutes of cleaning

A lot less dusty. Probably going to need the same effort again tomorrow to get things properly clean. Just in time to be snowed in.

30 minutes of (slow) cleaning

Well, a productive day. I cleaned for 30 minutes, and was productive on some other things. I still need to work on getting myself out of the house and seeing people though. I meant to work on it since the last time I saw my therapist, but I have not done so great with that. Need to really make the effort. House looks cleaner though, so I've got that in the win column.

Ping pong

Played for about 20 minutes. I was definitely not as good as the guy I was playing against. I think he was bored :-) . But I did work up some sweat. Tired after. My body's not used to exercise. The range of motion from the ping pong exacerbated my shoulder problem, which triggers my panic because it hurts across the ribcage to the sternum. As a result my afternoon and evening was not so great. My next doctor appointment will be looking at that shoulder problem.

Up and running

Had my acupuncture yesterday. Actually got more relaxed and had energy after that. Every time I go when I'm lying there with the needles in my my mind wanders around for an hour. I'm always kind of nervous at the beginning, part of having needles stuck in you I guess. Sometimes it hurts a bit, but it quickly goes away unless they're inserted deep, and then it feels like pressure, not pain. The acupuncturist ended the session with a few minutes of cupping, which is where they attach glass cups to your back via suction. It feels quite strange, like applying pressure across the whole back.

Short walk, some cleaning

Did a short walk, and did some cleaning in the house. Also went out and got a big chai latte. Didn't realize that had almost as much caffeine as a mocha cappuccino.

Can't say I am really feeling great today. I fell asleep last night with the lights on. The panic effects from yesterdays long walk lasted into the night.

Goal reached

I walked to the end of my street and back today, which is about a 20 minute walk, and has been my goal for some time. Like the scene in Gattaca where the one brother explains that he can swim that far because he doesn't save anything for swimming back, I just kept going once I'd reached my distance goal. Started getting some panic about 1/2 the way back, but slowed down the walking a bit and made it.

Ping pong

Kicked myself out for 15 minutes of ping pong. Worked up some sweat. Feel better about myself after being done with it. Today being sunny helps too. Yesterday was very dark and rainy.

New Year resolution

Better mood!