20 minute walk

Yay for me. It was unseasonably warm today, so I got out and walked through the melting snow and ice.

Out early

I put my hobby project out for publishing yesterday. And today was up early and went out for some pancakes for breakfast. Tastes good, didn't feel panicky at the restaurant. A positive for me.

Art Museum

I went the the art museum today and wandered through their new exhibition. I did not stay very long, it was not on something I'm interested in. But I did it to get myself out of the house. I did not have a panic attack, but it was something that still involved some kicking myself to do. Still having to kick myself to do stuff, but less kicking.

Did get a hold of my family later yesterday to wish everyone a happy Christmas. Nothing much for today, but did find a pretty complete set of old sci-fi radio shows to listen to, cool.

Christmas

Listening to old radio broadcasts from the 50's. Have some brownies I made yesterday. Called my family but they were out of the house.

Positive day

I kicked myself into more energy last night. Today I feel like I had a positive day. Got out and got coffee, including waiting in line. Felt productive for my hobby project (still finding errors...). Want to make sure I get in a post today.

Slow today

Did not have it today. Got hopefully the last of things wrapped up for my hobby project. But really tired. Got called by a recruiter for an interview though. Will go for that once it's arranged provided the company wants to interview me.

Considering

Another night of waking up between 3-5am. Too much caffeine I think. Finally got back to sleep. Still I think I had better energy today than I expected given my lack of sleep. But quite tired by 5pm.

Another success

It was a quite a go to get myself up and out, but I took a giant carboard box to the dumpster and went out and did a bit of Christmas shopping.

Edit: 10pm and still waiting for that 2pm coffee to wear off.

Already a success

Did my grocery shopping, followed by going right back out and dropping recycling and taking care of banking stuff (at two banks, only drive through but still). Got laundry in and making brownies. Over an hour of stuff in one go.

Good day

I was tired this morning, but got energy from my therapist appointment. Took a short nap after lunch because I was relaxed as opposed to being exhausted. I had an acupuncture session this afternoon. Felt good after that too.

Up at 3

Thanks to the cat chasing invisible mice. My bum shoulder is acting up. It's going to get x-rayed when I have my followup with my doctor next month.

Took at nap late morning. Had energy in the afternoon but tired now at dinnertime. Cat's going in the other room from now on while I sleep, or at least for awhile. That was twice this week. That and the bad snowstorm made this a not very great week. The Prozac has yet to kick in, or at least I can't really tell yet.

Interview today

Yesterday was no good. I woke up around 3, didn't fall back asleep until 5, up again at 6 and finally 7. Upset stomach all day from lack of sleep. The giant winter storm didn't help with my sleeping or my mood either. Stayed tired even though I took a nap.

Today I have a job interview this afternoon. Across town and with no good way to get there. Have to drive city streets through bad parts of town or go far out of my way. Realizing I'd have to do that every day if I got the job I'm not sure I want it.

darn cat

Decided 6am was crazy hour. I think I climbed out of bed sometime around 7. Tired.

no title

Met with my therapist yesterday. I was feeling better yesterday than when I last met with him. Also did acupuncture. Last time I had the acupuncture I felt like I had more energy the following couple of days. I don't know about today, but I slept like a rock yesterday. We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tomorrow, so I went and did some grocery shopping. I've got laundry in as well so I'll have some clean socks. Mostly still fixing bugs in my hobby project, got a good section done. I think I could use a nap though.

Cavs are on the radio tonight.

Not much to say today

Most of my day I spent fixing things for my hobby project. It's good to see things working properly when they weren't. I got my exercise shoveling snow.

victory!

I drove over to see my primary care physician at his hospital office, which meant driving through terrible snow, getting a long walk from the parking to the offices (and his offices were in a new location, so there was that too), waiting for over an hour, and dealing with the panic of it all.

30 minutes of (slow) cleaning

The assistant for my primary care physician called today, and I'm getting on on a cancellation tomorrow. That's good. Almost assuredly I'll get put back on fluoxetine. I do have to meet him at the main hospital campus in a busy part, his new office is near the gift shop apparently, and it's fairly far from the parking. I'll get my daily walking just from that. Dealing with that will be a challenge.  I'm sure I'll feel good when it's over and I'm back in the car driving home.

Today I did the post office again after lunch. Ran out of stamps or couldn't find the others. Got a coffee on the way back as I was barely awake. Thankfully there was no line and I was in and out. A couple of hours later the coffee wore off and I felt so exhausted. Did not let myself sleep though.

Further testing of my hobby project has turned up quite a number of embarrassing errors that should have been caught before. While nothing was broken, there turned out to be many consistency errors. Made me feel down because I have 4-5 people testing this and I said it was a version that was all polished up and ready to go. I did not want to do further testing, it's time consuming and I'm tired of looking at my stuff. Obviously I'm going to have to run though things again though.

I'm still tired all the time. But I am trending towards more normal sleeping hours for the past few days it seems. Went to bed around 10:45 last night, got up around 7:30.

Mastery:
I spent a full 30 minutes on house cleaning tonight. Vacuumed in a couple of rooms, and cleaned some in the bathroom, kitchen and computer room. I am feeling positive about that. I was not feeling positive about cleaning stuff when I started, but forced myself to start it. Did the bathroom sink first, it's small, and it got me rolling enough to do the kitchen sink, also small.

Pleasure:
Cavs basketball on the radio. They need to start winning some and not losing by 20 points every game. They don't have to win all the time, but it's not fun if they're not competitive.

exercising again

11 minutes of Wii exercise. Also much less tired today than yesterday. I was up early, around 7am, despite not going to be until around 11pm, though I was exhausted when I climbed into bed. For my pleasure today I went out this morning at got myself a couple of donuts. They're always yummy, can't have them too much though. Not getting enough exercise for that.

Where I live is headed for plenty of snow overnight apparently.

Got my excercise

Made sure to get my exercise this morning, 12 minutes. We've had snow much of the day.

Goal: clean the bathroom (done).

Pleasure: Browns on the radio. Cavs on the radio.

Browns won, which was good. They didn't play too well but squeaked it out. Cavs are headed for defeat again.

I'm more tired than yesterday. Still going though. Uploaded a Release Candidate of my hobby project. It's complete, I know of no bugs with it, just needs one last runthrough by someone other than me before I can say it's a 1.0 version. With the RC out, I hope it will be a weight off my shoulders.

Saturday

I had more energy today than I have recently. I was actually up and out of bed at 6:30, and went for pancakes at 7. Did groceries when the place was full. Pretty tired now though.

Acupuncture

I went for an acupuncture session today. I found the acupuncturist because she works with a local hospital. I've never tried it before, but if it helps...

Never got going yesterday

I was tired all day yesterday. I still got out and did a few things, took some stuff to the post office that had to go out yesterday. Exhausted though, did not have a coffee. Once I finally lay down in the evening I couldn't fall asleep despite being so tired. I finally did though after maybe 45 minutes of tossing around.

For goal stuff: I did the post office stuff, which I didn't know would have to go out yesterday until 3:30pm. Waited in line at the takeout place for dinner despite my exhaustion. Also finished the last writing bits for my hobby project.

Pleasure stuff:

Today: More energy this morning than yesterday.

Goal stuff: I have some banking to do. Groceries as well, all out of yogurt and bananas.

Pleasure: Cavs vs Heat tonight. Lebron returns.

Banking done. Groceries done. Another unexpected post office trip done. Pet store trip done.

Goal / Pleasure

That's my homework for this session. To set and do some goal oriented things, even if they are small, and do do some pleasurable activities.

Was so tired at the therapist. On the "do stuff" list I stopped and got gas on the way home, then went over and got a coffee from starbucks. I'm still sipping on that three hours later. Have not napped yet, thought I was going to have to as soon as I got home, or even fall asleep during the session.

Goals: Just did my walk, then did a few extra houses worth of walking. About 10-12 minutes. Afterwards I was not physically tired. Still mentally tired. Mentally tired when I started. Called the recommended psychiatrists, all are either not actually taking patients now or child therapists. Called my therapist back to get another recommendation.

Pleasure: Made myself some fresh squeezed juice. Basketball on the radio tonight. Also got a good feeling from finishing the walk.

Bonus: 13 minutes of Wii fit just now. Rhythm boxing for 8, and  golf swing for the rest. Gives me a total of 20 minutes for the day. Go me! More than in a long time. Tired now.

Did not sleep well again.

Did not sleep well again. Lay down at around 8pm yesterday, but just lay there probably until 10. Lights were on again, until 4am. Got up then for an hour, back to bed at 5. A "hard sleep" until 6, that's not deep, but by body saying "sleep now!" and curling up tightly. Just exhausted, thinking I don't have energy. That's my normal negative thinking spiral.

Got up again and took a hot shower. Those are good for making me feel better. For now (7am) just sitting in my chair with a blanket keeping me nice and toasty. It's still very windy from overnight. My therapist appointment is at 10. I'm listening to the radio via the internet, and the picture of the singer currently playing makes me laugh. -->

I think I like the light on because it feels lonely lying in bed in the dark not falling asleep. With the light on it's more "resting" than "trying to sleep".

Meant to post yesterday

But I was really tired. I did get a few things done but by the time I normally write these in the evening I was too tired to sit down and do it. Did get more reading done in one of my self help books than I do on a normal night.

Went to bed with the light on, soaking up the warm tones the lights make on the walls of the room. The cats were chasing each other around, so around 1am I put the instigator in the other room and closed the door. After that I think I actually got some decent sleep. Now I wonder how much that happens, one cat chasing the other all over the place causing me to get bad sleep and have no energy. Lights stayed on until I woke up at 5am. Slept after that until 8 or so.

I had more energy today than yesterday. Not saying much though since I had so little yesterday. I finally had to take a nap about 3 this afternoon. Got myself out for a bit this morning and drove around some, went to a coffeeshop I go to about once every 6 months or so. Got a bit of walking this afternoon before 3 but was tired and came back. Did some cleaning and vacuuming.

Sitting at home I have my SAD light on all the time, and the radio on so I can get "chatter". Seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow. Going to go to a recommended psychiatrist since they can prescribe anti-depressants. I need to be on them again. Much as I hate to admit it, probably permanently. I get better for some time, but then come back down eventually.

Yesterday I was tired in the morning. Once i got myself out for a walk I got some more energy. Never did get lots but the constant sleepiness went away. Nice sunny walk but winter has definitely arrived as it was 0 Celcius. The people living downstairs had a big fight, I could hear them yelling at each other. That drains me when that happens. I spent a good chunk of time working on my hobby project, but did not get especially far. Got tripped up by one thing I had expected to be minor that turns out to be essentially unsolvable after consulting with some people who specialize in writing computer scripts for the hobby project. So I'll have to come up with some sort of workaround.

Today is was practically dark from heavy clouds and some snow today. I got plenty of time in front of the SAD lamp. Much brighter there than when I went out. Now for some time with the self help books and some meditation.  Did some reading and thinking earlier. Kind of went in circles with that, but I guess that will make things easier next time I'm working on that. Got to focus on the positive!

Cleaning day

Happy Thanksgiving! I did some cleaning today. The bathroom and the kitchen, and vacuumed. Also ran out and got some cat food (and a mocha frappucino, need to stop that). No napping. My mom called and we talked for a bit. Also talked with my family in LA. Frustrated by a computer error.

I got lonely, it being the family holiday . Talking with my family is good. My eight year old cousins want to know when my wife and I are coming out for Christmas. Kind of hard to explain depression to an 8 year old. I just said I'd try my best. How much the rest of the family understands depression I'm not sure. I went out there last Christmas. Had a good Christmas Day until the large panic attack being a 90 minute drive from the hotel and going on 2 cups of coffee to keep up. Spent 3 days in LA, left the hotel once since I had the panic attack on the first full day there.

Fight it

Did my interview today. I was very nervous, who isn't with job interview. But I rode it out. It's one thing the therapist gave me as "homework" if I got nervous with something to stay until the nervousness subsides, which it did eventually. I got a better feel from this interview than the last one I had, which was somewhere else.

Made 4-5 trips to the bank teller for my HSA debit card I hadn't used before. New bank for me as well. Get pin set by teller, try and fail, would not allow me to reset the default pin. Teller. Try the walkup ATM, which did, but wouldn't give me cash. Teller. Try the driveup ATM which wouldn't give me cash. Teller. Find out I was requesting over my cash limit (the ATM did not indicate this, it just said the transaction couldn't be completed). Teller. Try lower amount, fail again. Teller. Discover that despite it being a H SAVINGS account, it's a checking account as far as the ATM is concerned, finally get cash. Very annoying.

Did groceries. I was in and out quickly. Day before Thanksgiving so it was packed. I got enough to last until it opens after Thanksgiving and went though the 12 items or less line so I wouldn't be in line for 20 minutes.

Cleaned up my desk. I always let stuff pile up once taken care of things and then I file everything away in one big swoop.

This morning as I was facing the interview, it looked like today would be a loss, instead it's a win. My energy level is heading down now shortly after dinner though, maybe the caffeine I got this afternoon from Panera is wearing off.

interview tomorrow

My job interview got moved to tomorrow from this afternoon. Reason: their computer systems had been down for a couple hours and were down when they called to reschedule. Oh the irony. I would be the one getting the call for that at my previous job.

I worked too much on my hobby project yesterday, so woke up tired this morning. Took a nap and now feeling more energy.

more on the irs audit

The IRS is now sending bills for penalties for late payment (see my old post). It wouldn't be late payment if they hadn't notified me of the deficiency until 18 months after the tax date. Also got two separate bills, so on the phone right now with them to sort that out. Got a fairly brisk 12 minute walk earlier. I've been trying to walk a bit faster instead of longer, then still walking more when I get back to the house if I feel up to it. I did a bunch of laundry today too, up and down two flights of stairs 5-6 times. Also yesterday and today I put in a good amount of time fixing things up for my hobby project. Want to get that project done and out the door to the world.

More ping pong

But dialed back the effort and the time played to 15-20 minutes. Now I'm only tired like I had a very long walk. And typing this up too, didn't have the energy for that after last time.

Busy day

Trip to the airport. This time minus any anxiety, a big win for me. Plenty of exercise carrying those bags around. And I did probably the final leaf raking for the year, which was 20+ minutes of work in and of itself.

new therapist

Saw a new therapist this morning. I like this person better than my previous person. Or at least I think he'll be better for me. My previous therapist was more a listen to me talk kind. This guy is more "interventional". I found him because I was reading the Feeling Good Handbook, and the book was mentioned on the therapist's office website, which said they often used this. Since I'm determined to get at the roots of this I felt that was good.

Did not sleep well last night. Cats running around or something. I turned on the radio for a bit around 3am, then back off maybe 30 minutes later and went back to sleep. Woke up tired. I think the cats were running around.

After lunch I raked leaves and went for a walk to get my exercise for the day.

And pretty normal again

Well, I woke up at 5am. But surprisingly energetic for that. It did catch up to me and I did get really tired not long after lunch. A short nap where I fell in and out of sleep did me some good though. I got out for a ten minute walk. I also fixed a doorknob that was going to fall off. And did a 2 hour assessment for a job, which I got automated email on that I didn't pass shortly thereafter. But later I got a call from a recruiter. So I think there will be an interview out of that.

Ping Pong is tonight, but I'm going to exercise via the Wii instead. That way I won't overdo things.

3 1/2 bags of leaves

Raked up a bunch of leaves. Not all, there's still more on the tree. But all I can do today. We have enough trees that fall raking needs to be done periodically or there would be 20-30 bags worth to rake at the end of the season. Now: quite tired after that. I wanted to rake though since it's raining later today. I still feel much better than yesterday though.

Overdid it

I obviously overdid it at ping pong yesterday. While I worked up a good sweat, I apparently overdid it on the exercise. Woke up at 4am feeling upset to my stomach. Didn't get back to sleep until 5 after some tea and warm water and turning of the lights (turning the lights/radio on actually lets me sleep when I have trouble sleeping, better than not sleeping). Slept until 8 that way, waking up all the time because of too much tea/water. Back in bed from 11am through to 2:30pm to catch up, with a 30 minute wake-up for lunch. Right now I have no energy.

I think my body's in shock from actual sweating exercise. I guess not quite ready for that yet. No exercise today so my body can recover.

3 New Things

Went for pancakes. Ok that's not new but I haven't done it in a months, and the place is jam packed and noisy which are anxiety triggers. I calmed down a lot once the food arrived. After pancaked we went to a new grocery store. Finally went and played ping pong at the community center. Played for at least 20 minutes with some old guy who kicked my butt. I was expecting that, but did play better than I had thought I would after not playing for years.

edit: apparently too much ping pong. Not feeling too good physically now.

Today was a good day

Ice Cube would be proud. Got my 15 minutes walk, raked leaves for 20 minutes or so, and went for a drive in the countryside to take advantage of the nice weather we're having. 60+ in November, I'll take it, we had snow just last week.

What changed

Last night as I was doing breathing exercises before bed I was looking back at what changed. I used to be adventurous. I mean I heck I went to China in 1997 without so much as a hotel reservation. Thinking about things I realized that what had been diagnosed as a pneumonia while I was in South Korea may have been my first depression episode. Two weeks of not being able to stay awake more than 4 hours followed by a lack of energy for the last 6 months or so of my time there. I remember being utterly exhausted on a weekend vacation my korean girlfriend and I took.

Thinking some more on it I remembered getting sick at several times of large life changes like moving after this. Looking back I can see that these could easily have been depression/anxiety episodes. So, what changed? I fell asleep exhausted from all this, and am still exhausted.

A productive day

I got a 15 minute walk in the morning. Read some self help stuff and signed up for an online self help course. The guided meditations made me feel peaceful for awhile. Did groceries in the afternoon. Also got our snowplowing set up for the winter, I'd been having trouble getting in touch with our plow person. Got an appointment with a therapist. Also got on the list for my regular doctor. He's a doctor I like but he's now department head so he has a limited schedule. Bright sunny and warm today, 65 degrees. I got my sunshine in, our winters are normally gray.

A lot to mark in the good column today. Tired not long after 7pm. Will do some more reading and then bedtime.

Good energy today

I walked in the morning and reached my goal of a hedge that is about 3/4 of the way to the end of the street. Was feeling tired late morning but ate something and then raked the fall leaves for 20-30 minutes. Made a nice big pile for pickup. Then got another 8-10 minute walk later. I feel more positive today, especially after the raking. I noticed I fell asleep and woke up in a more on my back position than normal, 3/4 on my back or so. Maybe that had something to do with it. I'll try again tonight.

Also called for a shrink appointment with the group that recommended the "Feeling Good Handbook". And requested an appointment for my shoulder.

Did a few house things

I've felt mentally slowed down all day. This morning I went out and got superglue and fixed a broken knob on a cabinet. Applied for a job online, they want me to take an online 2 hour test. Gave a go at fixing a stuck window. No luck with that even though I removed the wood pieces to allow access to the sash. Frustrating, there's a couple of stuck windows that that has not worked for. Made a big pot of soup, lots of veggies and beans, for lunch. Not so tasty, but healthy.

The soup recipe called for a 2 hour cooking time, which I was able to give it. So there's something good, I was able to plan ahead and do it, not just make something very quick once I was hungry. Did a 10 minute walk, took a nap after, 10 minutes was all I could do. It's bright and sunny today so I wanted to get out. My shoulder is bugging me today.

To sum up, not feeling wonderful, but I am functioning.

Still walking, but exhausted today

I had energy yesterday and was able to get some things done like cleaning the bathroom. Today though I was totally out of it though. I got up at 8, and was back in bed for a two+ hour nap by 10. Still tired after that. Did a bit of cleaning and things like that. Still exhausted after that. I went out and got my walking in, still haven't reached the end of the street. I was feeling terrible by the time I got back and immediately climbed into bed ready to pass out. Another 2 hours of I'm not sure if I slept or just almost did.

Went to bed around 8pm. It's now the following morning, and I spent the whole night waking up every 45 minutes to an hour. I needed the radio on distract me so I could fall asleep and it wound up being on almost the whole night.

Walking more

I'm trying some of the things from Andrew Weil. Can't hurt. A lot of the same stuff in there I see elsewhere.

I downloaded a new pedometer for my phone from the Cleveland Clinic. It's a total failure as a program. I took a 15-20 minute walk today and the pedometer registered 35 steps over 2 and a half minutes. Back to the pedometer from the Black Dog Institute. They may be on the other side of the planet from where I am, but their app is helping me. It's pretty basic, you can't save your progress or set multisession goals. But it works as a pedometer.

Slowly increasing my walking distance as well. My goal is to make it to the end of our street, something that would be a 18-20 minute walk. I got 5-6 houses from it today, and on the way back detoured a bit to the next street over (which is not very far). Almost there.


Found this Stanford Prof talking about depression, very informative
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

Also got some decent leads on new jobs. Things I am qualified for. Keeping my fingers crossed.

1 km walk

Two days ago I did some work on my house and spent time raking leaves and got a good sweat. I walked an entire km today. I'm tired though. Early to bed I think. My busted left shoulder is aching too, it "pops" when I move it in a certain way. Do it too much and the ribs feel it too. Rotator cuff injury or something like that. My depression has prevented me from having it properly looked at. I expect I'll need surgery.

My hobby project is closer than ever to being finished though. I have some tougher programming type bugs I've been leaving alone while I cleaned up all the easier stuff like.

800 meters, fish oil

Walked 800 meters today according to the pedometer. Also found that grape juice hides the terrible flavor of fish oil very well for me. Maybe it loses some effectiveness since grape juice is acidic, but fish oil capsules are too large for me. Why doesn't a manufacturer make smaller capsules? Even if that means taking more at least people who can't deal with the giant size capsules will be able to take them. Fish oil is supposed to potentially be helpful for depression. Worth a try. I stopped taking it a couple of years ago because of the size of the capsule and the taste.

Cut my walk back

I cut my walk back from 1km to 600 meters as measured by my pedometer. The pedometer itself is probably wrong since it measures steps times length of step, and I'm tall so my length is higher than what's programmed in. Anyway much less dizziness. About 8 minutes of walking for that distance. So I need to keep at it until I build up some stamina. Also did groceries later today and made some chicken noodle soup for my wife and I. Soup's not my culinary strongpoint, it was pretty bleh even with pepper to give it some flavor. I've been wanting to go to bed since about 4pm today after getting up at 9am, but still hanging in there at 7pm.

Exercise makes me dizzy

I'm trying to start walking again for exercise. The problem is I have been getting dizzy when I've been taking walks. I checked into it online and apparently you can get dizzy if you exercise too hard. Well I'm in terrible shape since I have barely moved for the past 6 months or so. I've gotten out and walked twice this week for a kilometer each time (according to the pedometer on my phone) Fifteen minutes of walking leaves me starting to get dizzy after maybe 8-9 minutes. And because I'm dizzy I can't really be productive at anything for some time after. I have to take a nap due to the dizzyness. I know I worked my way up to 25 minute walks this spring though. I need to cut back from 15 minutes to maybe 10, and then work from there.

In the weeks before I was let go, I was at the point that even walking down the street at lunch to get something would give me panic and exhaustion. I could only handle going to the place that was in the building or to the place directly across the street. I was beyond sedentary to the point of vegetative. By the end of the workday it was all I could do to get myself home. I didn't have the energy to even try to walk. Mostly I just stared at my home computer.

I can't say I have more energy, but I do seem to have lots more if you look at older blog posts I'm definitely not where I was. I need to build up some exercise to stay strong during the winter.

I've been able to set tasks and get them done.

Visiting relative

Visiting relative makes for stress of keeping up with them.

We've had a good two weeks of rain as well. I've been turning on my SAD light in response.

Still here

I should say I'm still here. My last day of work was the middle of the month. I've been productive on a hobby since. That's good for me mentally. Three days straight of rain where I live has me a bit down, but I got out during a break for a short walk. I've been meaning to get back to getting exercise.

And getting audited

Just got a letter from the IRS yesterday. You saw the last post I was losing my job. Oh yeah my wife is still quite sick (9 months already) and still overseas for treatment (6 months). It's no wonder I''m stressed and depressed, who wouldn't be? :-)

Laid off

Yesterday it was announced. Last day depends on when they can find replacement. I actually expected it since my work performance has stunk for several months now because of the depression.

I had plenty of energy yesterday, even did weeding in the garden and mowed the lawn for about 20-30 minutes total after work. Totally exhausted after that though, and exhausted today. I didn't sleep well last night. I'll still be working for another month. I've been good for awhile, but have zero energy today. I know I'm supposed to get my 20 minutes 3-4 times a week for the endorphins, but I don't have the energy to do that. I'm getting more like 10 minutes walking 2-3 times a week. The miserably hot weather hasn't helped with that.

Some good news, I'm not supposed to have caffeine because it can cause panic attacks, but I've been having a coffee in the morning for awhile to keep me going, and have not been having any negatives from that.

My Neverwinter Nights 2 project is near completion as well. Once that's finished up and in playtesters hands that will be another load off me. There wasn't any self pressure when the end was nowhere near. There's no deadline since it's just a for fun thing, but I want it to be done. The problem with what's left is it's all writing and I need to be in the mood for it. Making dungeons and forests and whatnot I can just do.

Past few weeks

Three weeks ago I stopped my prozac. It seemed like it was doing nothing for me and I've been reading at my wife's encouragement some stuff that says it really doesn't do much unless you have super serious can't move out of bed depression. Anyway I'm still taking a vitamin D and a vitamin B.

The first week I didn't notice a change really. I was still very tired all day and evening. Maybe even more so than usual. But it's the summer and many people are on vacation so work is slow. My boss was off that week too.

Last week I did really good during the week. Only having a short lunch nap on Friday at work. My boss even mentioned unprompted that it seemed like I had more energy. I agree. I had more energy that week than I've had in months. I was even productive through the afternoons.

Went out to a pancake place for some pancakes on Saturday. I wasn't feeling like it, but pushed myself through it. My brain was still in sleep mode. But I went to the very busy pancake place, waited for a table, and got my pancakes (chocolate chip btw). I did not have panic, but I was so very tired. My brain felt like it was still asleep. Sidenote: For whatever reason, even when I feel like that I become more alert when I'm driving. I took a nap later that day.  Once my brain cleared a few hours after the 90 minute nap I felt pretty good for the rest of the weekend.

First three days of this week were busy all day at work and I pretty much didn't get much of a lunch break other than enough time to eat something. But I made it through all three without too much issue. By the end of yesterday I was starting to drag, but many people drag by the end of the day I suppose.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was in bed at a good hour, about 9:30, but couldn't fall asleep. When I finally did I woke up a couple times. Including around 6am from one of my patented violent dreams. I was trapped in the arctic with some Amish kids on Rumispruga and someone was trying to shoot at us from a cave in the distance. We had to do something to get past them because otherwise we would have frozen. I have bizarre dreams :-) I had to get out of bed for awhile to clear the dream from my head because I was falling right back into the same dream as I tried to go back to sleep.

I hate it when I just sleep

I climbed into bed last night around 8:30. Didn't really sleep until near midnight though, was just kind of 3/4 asleep, the consequence of two frappuchinos yesterday to keep me going at work. Woke up around 9 this morning, ate some cereal, and back into bed until 1pm. I'm still exhausted.

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment for my left shoulder, which makes a loud popping noise if I move it a certain way, on Thursday but you read that days blog entry probably. Pop it enough (which I make it do under stress) and I can feel sore across my upper left ribcage to my sternum. I'm sure soreness in that area helps a lot with the way I'm feeling.... It's obvious I have a torn labrum or rotator cuff or something like that. I've had this for years, but with the depression I've never been able to get myself to gt it treated.

Vomiting from stress.

Vomiting from stress. wonderful. Probably going to take more time off work.

Arghh work stress

Already having a lot of stress from work, one of my cats made something crash in the middle of the night and jumping me out of bed. I felt like my heart skipped a few beats.

Three day weekend three day weekend three day weekend. Going to try to work from home today as well. I had a few anxiety attacks last week, but was doing a bit better earlier this week since I was making myself get out for some short walks. Today if I have to go to work I feel like I'll have an anxiety attack for sure, just because I'm so tired.

Doing pretty well

The medicine is doing it's thing, or the vitamins I'm taking. Something is working anyway. I'm still a bit low on energy, but I've dealt with a busy last two weeks at work with only one minor panic attack and limited depression exhaustion. I got through some stuff for my NWN2 project, chalking up a good number of bugfixes and other improvements.

Keeping fingers crossed.

Still decent

For whatever reason I was exhausted over Friday/the weekend. My body recovering from the week I guess. I managed to get the groceries bought and the lawn mowed and the clothes washed, but whew, tired. I had a two hour nap and another one hour nap on Sunday. Sunday night I just laid in bed from about 7pm on until I fell asleep.

Yesterday I had more energy though and got in a whole 20 minute walk after work. Good for me!

Decent

Yesterday I had a small panic attack after moving a bunch of stuff across the offices at work. But then felt improved in the afternoon. Almost dare I say it "normal". Today not so bad either. Work was pretty crazed this morning with 4-5 things going at once. But my stress levels stayed under control. I got through a lunchtime company meeting as well. Often around lunch is when I start getting really exhausted. I make sure I get a good breakfast and have a fruit or something for a snack mid morning to keep my energy up. Usually doesn't seem to work though. And I'm not allowed caffeine since it can trigger or exacerbate the anxiety.

I played a game of Civilization on Sunday and had an interesting time. The map setup was interesting with a large inland lake near my start and I was forced into a patchwork shaped country, with a rival civ. I even won peacfully (via building the spaceship). I'd have to say that playing the gam on Sunday was probably the first time I've enjoyed myself for any length of time in a month.

So far ok I guess.

Monday and Tuesday I did ok. Needed a lunch hour snooze. I was really tired in the afternoons too. It didn't help that I had several meetings Monday and Tuesday including a last minute meeting. I've explained to my co-workers the reason I was out. Still I felt like "I did it!" getting through those days.

Wednesday I felt exhausted from the moment I woke up. I had a panic attack at work because I was so tired I just felt like sleeping, and it was only 9am. I got myself through the day by hiding out at work and getting a number of quick naps on break and at lunch.

At my wife's encouragement, I'm taking B and D vitamins. Of course I'm taking my Fluoxetine as well. I got out for a 15 minute walk yesterday, and also had one Monday. Today it's supposed to rain, so I may be getting my excercise via Wii Fit. I had to be at work an hour early today, which meant getting up an hour earlier. I went to bed an hour early to compensate last night, 8pm. I didn't fall asleep too quickly, but for whatever reason I'm more awake today than yesterday.

I just keep telling myself that every day this week is better than the same day last week, and the week before and the week before that.

Yesterday nap, today ok

I was really tired this morning, but forced myself out for a walk. I got nearly to the end of the street, for a total of 17 minutes walking. I was totally exhausted when I got back to the house. But after a shower and some time I have a bit more energy.

I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not sure how that's going to go. They expect me back at/near 100%, but I don't know how long it's going to take to reach that level. At least another week or two. I don't have that much time off. I hope seeing people will give me energy.

Hanging in there.

So far today I haven't HAD to take a nap. I even got some errands done like getting some groceries and refilling my prescription. A whole hour and a half of doing things. Plus I got a 15 minute walk in as well. Definitely ready for napping though, my cats are napping in the sun. They look happy.

Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. Burns

I ordered this and "When Panic Attacks" from Amazon. And I've been going through them trying to do the exercises. I think they are useful. I didn't say easy, because you have to work at them, and motivation is hard when you're depressed. The techniques for confronting panic attacks I think will be really useful, I've already been trying to use them.

The depression stuff I'm not sure about. I'm working it. I have a circular depression right now. I'm tired because I'm tired of being tired. Dr. Burns doesn't seem to give me much to work with. I can have the positive thoughts of "I can take a nap", and "lots of people take naps", but you just can't function in the work world when you have three hour naps like I just woke up from.

I went to get groceries this morning around 10. I was already feeling tired from waking up about quarter to 8. By the time I was paying for the groceries and they were bagging them, I felt like I was just going to fall asleep right there. And then my body gives me an adrenaline shot to keep me awake, so I start getting panic from that. I got home, managed to put the groceries away, and took a 2 hour nap. I woke up and it was almost 1pm, so I made myself eat a bit, some premade potatoes and a cup of yogurt. Then back into bed for another hour plus of sleep.

Yesterday I took a 20 minute walk, but I was so exhausted when I finished that I just sat there. I finally lay down and couldn't fall asleep, so I turned on the radio and listened to baseball for a few hours before falling asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, the radio had still been on. I wound up listening for a bit, then going back to sleep. I got maybe 10 hours of sleep last night. But still so tired I needed a three hour nap after being awake only three hours.

I made a blog. It's a start.

Right now I'm tired/exhausted. I could go to sleep, but I'm afraid. Afraid that I will wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, like last night. Afraid that I'll wake up hypoglycemic because I haven't eaten all that much today. Of course I've had my blood sugar tested before and it was normal. But I knew someone in college who got diabetes and I've been afraid of it ever since. I know it's irrational but I can't help it. Hypoglycemia has similar symptoms to anxiety. My body panics when it's hungry.

I haven't eaten much because I just can't. Today I ate two bananas, a good amount of yogurt, a half a bowl of cereal, some granola bars, a slice of lamb, and a chicken breast stuffed with spinach, and drank a lot of water. The bananas and yogurt are the only things that are easy to eat. The rest I kind of have to make myself eat. I'm too stressed to be hungry.

I've been depressed since April 16th, though I saw it coming a few days before. I saw my shrink and got medication on the 17th. Prozac. From the afternoon of the 17th to midday the 21st I pretty much slept. The 22nd and 23rd I went to work, but got nothing done. I just sat there. Even getting there was incredibly hard, I don't know how I made it. This past weekend I was able to do my laundry and get a few groceries quickly. And I saw the head shrink at the practice, who increased my Prozac from 40 to 60mg. But today I had to leave work at lunch, I just couldn't deal.

When I got home I took a two hour nap. It's almost 7pm. With luck I can get in a good 12 hours of sleep. With more luck I won't wake up nauseous like I have been. Last week I puked a couple of days in the morning. Last night I took a warm shower before bed, another in the middle of the night while having a panic attack, and another this morning. A warm shower and some milk before bed.

Kamal's Depression Blog

I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks. And I'm going to blog about it. Writing about it will make me feel better.