Goal / Pleasure

That's my homework for this session. To set and do some goal oriented things, even if they are small, and do do some pleasurable activities.

Was so tired at the therapist. On the "do stuff" list I stopped and got gas on the way home, then went over and got a coffee from starbucks. I'm still sipping on that three hours later. Have not napped yet, thought I was going to have to as soon as I got home, or even fall asleep during the session.

Goals: Just did my walk, then did a few extra houses worth of walking. About 10-12 minutes. Afterwards I was not physically tired. Still mentally tired. Mentally tired when I started. Called the recommended psychiatrists, all are either not actually taking patients now or child therapists. Called my therapist back to get another recommendation.

Pleasure: Made myself some fresh squeezed juice. Basketball on the radio tonight. Also got a good feeling from finishing the walk.

Bonus: 13 minutes of Wii fit just now. Rhythm boxing for 8, and  golf swing for the rest. Gives me a total of 20 minutes for the day. Go me! More than in a long time. Tired now.

Did not sleep well again.

Did not sleep well again. Lay down at around 8pm yesterday, but just lay there probably until 10. Lights were on again, until 4am. Got up then for an hour, back to bed at 5. A "hard sleep" until 6, that's not deep, but by body saying "sleep now!" and curling up tightly. Just exhausted, thinking I don't have energy. That's my normal negative thinking spiral.

Got up again and took a hot shower. Those are good for making me feel better. For now (7am) just sitting in my chair with a blanket keeping me nice and toasty. It's still very windy from overnight. My therapist appointment is at 10. I'm listening to the radio via the internet, and the picture of the singer currently playing makes me laugh. -->

I think I like the light on because it feels lonely lying in bed in the dark not falling asleep. With the light on it's more "resting" than "trying to sleep".

Meant to post yesterday

But I was really tired. I did get a few things done but by the time I normally write these in the evening I was too tired to sit down and do it. Did get more reading done in one of my self help books than I do on a normal night.

Went to bed with the light on, soaking up the warm tones the lights make on the walls of the room. The cats were chasing each other around, so around 1am I put the instigator in the other room and closed the door. After that I think I actually got some decent sleep. Now I wonder how much that happens, one cat chasing the other all over the place causing me to get bad sleep and have no energy. Lights stayed on until I woke up at 5am. Slept after that until 8 or so.

I had more energy today than yesterday. Not saying much though since I had so little yesterday. I finally had to take a nap about 3 this afternoon. Got myself out for a bit this morning and drove around some, went to a coffeeshop I go to about once every 6 months or so. Got a bit of walking this afternoon before 3 but was tired and came back. Did some cleaning and vacuuming.

Sitting at home I have my SAD light on all the time, and the radio on so I can get "chatter". Seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow. Going to go to a recommended psychiatrist since they can prescribe anti-depressants. I need to be on them again. Much as I hate to admit it, probably permanently. I get better for some time, but then come back down eventually.

Yesterday I was tired in the morning. Once i got myself out for a walk I got some more energy. Never did get lots but the constant sleepiness went away. Nice sunny walk but winter has definitely arrived as it was 0 Celcius. The people living downstairs had a big fight, I could hear them yelling at each other. That drains me when that happens. I spent a good chunk of time working on my hobby project, but did not get especially far. Got tripped up by one thing I had expected to be minor that turns out to be essentially unsolvable after consulting with some people who specialize in writing computer scripts for the hobby project. So I'll have to come up with some sort of workaround.

Today is was practically dark from heavy clouds and some snow today. I got plenty of time in front of the SAD lamp. Much brighter there than when I went out. Now for some time with the self help books and some meditation.  Did some reading and thinking earlier. Kind of went in circles with that, but I guess that will make things easier next time I'm working on that. Got to focus on the positive!

Cleaning day

Happy Thanksgiving! I did some cleaning today. The bathroom and the kitchen, and vacuumed. Also ran out and got some cat food (and a mocha frappucino, need to stop that). No napping. My mom called and we talked for a bit. Also talked with my family in LA. Frustrated by a computer error.

I got lonely, it being the family holiday . Talking with my family is good. My eight year old cousins want to know when my wife and I are coming out for Christmas. Kind of hard to explain depression to an 8 year old. I just said I'd try my best. How much the rest of the family understands depression I'm not sure. I went out there last Christmas. Had a good Christmas Day until the large panic attack being a 90 minute drive from the hotel and going on 2 cups of coffee to keep up. Spent 3 days in LA, left the hotel once since I had the panic attack on the first full day there.

Fight it

Did my interview today. I was very nervous, who isn't with job interview. But I rode it out. It's one thing the therapist gave me as "homework" if I got nervous with something to stay until the nervousness subsides, which it did eventually. I got a better feel from this interview than the last one I had, which was somewhere else.

Made 4-5 trips to the bank teller for my HSA debit card I hadn't used before. New bank for me as well. Get pin set by teller, try and fail, would not allow me to reset the default pin. Teller. Try the walkup ATM, which did, but wouldn't give me cash. Teller. Try the driveup ATM which wouldn't give me cash. Teller. Find out I was requesting over my cash limit (the ATM did not indicate this, it just said the transaction couldn't be completed). Teller. Try lower amount, fail again. Teller. Discover that despite it being a H SAVINGS account, it's a checking account as far as the ATM is concerned, finally get cash. Very annoying.

Did groceries. I was in and out quickly. Day before Thanksgiving so it was packed. I got enough to last until it opens after Thanksgiving and went though the 12 items or less line so I wouldn't be in line for 20 minutes.

Cleaned up my desk. I always let stuff pile up once taken care of things and then I file everything away in one big swoop.

This morning as I was facing the interview, it looked like today would be a loss, instead it's a win. My energy level is heading down now shortly after dinner though, maybe the caffeine I got this afternoon from Panera is wearing off.

interview tomorrow

My job interview got moved to tomorrow from this afternoon. Reason: their computer systems had been down for a couple hours and were down when they called to reschedule. Oh the irony. I would be the one getting the call for that at my previous job.

I worked too much on my hobby project yesterday, so woke up tired this morning. Took a nap and now feeling more energy.

more on the irs audit

The IRS is now sending bills for penalties for late payment (see my old post). It wouldn't be late payment if they hadn't notified me of the deficiency until 18 months after the tax date. Also got two separate bills, so on the phone right now with them to sort that out. Got a fairly brisk 12 minute walk earlier. I've been trying to walk a bit faster instead of longer, then still walking more when I get back to the house if I feel up to it. I did a bunch of laundry today too, up and down two flights of stairs 5-6 times. Also yesterday and today I put in a good amount of time fixing things up for my hobby project. Want to get that project done and out the door to the world.

More ping pong

But dialed back the effort and the time played to 15-20 minutes. Now I'm only tired like I had a very long walk. And typing this up too, didn't have the energy for that after last time.

Busy day

Trip to the airport. This time minus any anxiety, a big win for me. Plenty of exercise carrying those bags around. And I did probably the final leaf raking for the year, which was 20+ minutes of work in and of itself.

new therapist

Saw a new therapist this morning. I like this person better than my previous person. Or at least I think he'll be better for me. My previous therapist was more a listen to me talk kind. This guy is more "interventional". I found him because I was reading the Feeling Good Handbook, and the book was mentioned on the therapist's office website, which said they often used this. Since I'm determined to get at the roots of this I felt that was good.

Did not sleep well last night. Cats running around or something. I turned on the radio for a bit around 3am, then back off maybe 30 minutes later and went back to sleep. Woke up tired. I think the cats were running around.

After lunch I raked leaves and went for a walk to get my exercise for the day.

And pretty normal again

Well, I woke up at 5am. But surprisingly energetic for that. It did catch up to me and I did get really tired not long after lunch. A short nap where I fell in and out of sleep did me some good though. I got out for a ten minute walk. I also fixed a doorknob that was going to fall off. And did a 2 hour assessment for a job, which I got automated email on that I didn't pass shortly thereafter. But later I got a call from a recruiter. So I think there will be an interview out of that.

Ping Pong is tonight, but I'm going to exercise via the Wii instead. That way I won't overdo things.

3 1/2 bags of leaves

Raked up a bunch of leaves. Not all, there's still more on the tree. But all I can do today. We have enough trees that fall raking needs to be done periodically or there would be 20-30 bags worth to rake at the end of the season. Now: quite tired after that. I wanted to rake though since it's raining later today. I still feel much better than yesterday though.

Overdid it

I obviously overdid it at ping pong yesterday. While I worked up a good sweat, I apparently overdid it on the exercise. Woke up at 4am feeling upset to my stomach. Didn't get back to sleep until 5 after some tea and warm water and turning of the lights (turning the lights/radio on actually lets me sleep when I have trouble sleeping, better than not sleeping). Slept until 8 that way, waking up all the time because of too much tea/water. Back in bed from 11am through to 2:30pm to catch up, with a 30 minute wake-up for lunch. Right now I have no energy.

I think my body's in shock from actual sweating exercise. I guess not quite ready for that yet. No exercise today so my body can recover.

3 New Things

Went for pancakes. Ok that's not new but I haven't done it in a months, and the place is jam packed and noisy which are anxiety triggers. I calmed down a lot once the food arrived. After pancaked we went to a new grocery store. Finally went and played ping pong at the community center. Played for at least 20 minutes with some old guy who kicked my butt. I was expecting that, but did play better than I had thought I would after not playing for years.

edit: apparently too much ping pong. Not feeling too good physically now.

Today was a good day

Ice Cube would be proud. Got my 15 minutes walk, raked leaves for 20 minutes or so, and went for a drive in the countryside to take advantage of the nice weather we're having. 60+ in November, I'll take it, we had snow just last week.

What changed

Last night as I was doing breathing exercises before bed I was looking back at what changed. I used to be adventurous. I mean I heck I went to China in 1997 without so much as a hotel reservation. Thinking about things I realized that what had been diagnosed as a pneumonia while I was in South Korea may have been my first depression episode. Two weeks of not being able to stay awake more than 4 hours followed by a lack of energy for the last 6 months or so of my time there. I remember being utterly exhausted on a weekend vacation my korean girlfriend and I took.

Thinking some more on it I remembered getting sick at several times of large life changes like moving after this. Looking back I can see that these could easily have been depression/anxiety episodes. So, what changed? I fell asleep exhausted from all this, and am still exhausted.

A productive day

I got a 15 minute walk in the morning. Read some self help stuff and signed up for an online self help course. The guided meditations made me feel peaceful for awhile. Did groceries in the afternoon. Also got our snowplowing set up for the winter, I'd been having trouble getting in touch with our plow person. Got an appointment with a therapist. Also got on the list for my regular doctor. He's a doctor I like but he's now department head so he has a limited schedule. Bright sunny and warm today, 65 degrees. I got my sunshine in, our winters are normally gray.

A lot to mark in the good column today. Tired not long after 7pm. Will do some more reading and then bedtime.

Good energy today

I walked in the morning and reached my goal of a hedge that is about 3/4 of the way to the end of the street. Was feeling tired late morning but ate something and then raked the fall leaves for 20-30 minutes. Made a nice big pile for pickup. Then got another 8-10 minute walk later. I feel more positive today, especially after the raking. I noticed I fell asleep and woke up in a more on my back position than normal, 3/4 on my back or so. Maybe that had something to do with it. I'll try again tonight.

Also called for a shrink appointment with the group that recommended the "Feeling Good Handbook". And requested an appointment for my shoulder.

Did a few house things

I've felt mentally slowed down all day. This morning I went out and got superglue and fixed a broken knob on a cabinet. Applied for a job online, they want me to take an online 2 hour test. Gave a go at fixing a stuck window. No luck with that even though I removed the wood pieces to allow access to the sash. Frustrating, there's a couple of stuck windows that that has not worked for. Made a big pot of soup, lots of veggies and beans, for lunch. Not so tasty, but healthy.

The soup recipe called for a 2 hour cooking time, which I was able to give it. So there's something good, I was able to plan ahead and do it, not just make something very quick once I was hungry. Did a 10 minute walk, took a nap after, 10 minutes was all I could do. It's bright and sunny today so I wanted to get out. My shoulder is bugging me today.

To sum up, not feeling wonderful, but I am functioning.

Still walking, but exhausted today

I had energy yesterday and was able to get some things done like cleaning the bathroom. Today though I was totally out of it though. I got up at 8, and was back in bed for a two+ hour nap by 10. Still tired after that. Did a bit of cleaning and things like that. Still exhausted after that. I went out and got my walking in, still haven't reached the end of the street. I was feeling terrible by the time I got back and immediately climbed into bed ready to pass out. Another 2 hours of I'm not sure if I slept or just almost did.

Went to bed around 8pm. It's now the following morning, and I spent the whole night waking up every 45 minutes to an hour. I needed the radio on distract me so I could fall asleep and it wound up being on almost the whole night.

Walking more

I'm trying some of the things from Andrew Weil. Can't hurt. A lot of the same stuff in there I see elsewhere.

I downloaded a new pedometer for my phone from the Cleveland Clinic. It's a total failure as a program. I took a 15-20 minute walk today and the pedometer registered 35 steps over 2 and a half minutes. Back to the pedometer from the Black Dog Institute. They may be on the other side of the planet from where I am, but their app is helping me. It's pretty basic, you can't save your progress or set multisession goals. But it works as a pedometer.

Slowly increasing my walking distance as well. My goal is to make it to the end of our street, something that would be a 18-20 minute walk. I got 5-6 houses from it today, and on the way back detoured a bit to the next street over (which is not very far). Almost there.


Found this Stanford Prof talking about depression, very informative
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

Also got some decent leads on new jobs. Things I am qualified for. Keeping my fingers crossed.