Not enjoying much right now

When I get home from work I have neither the energy nor the drive to work on my hobby project. Mostly I just eat dinner, stare at the computer for awhile, shower and go to bed. I might liven things up by paying some bills!

I do enjoy seeing my cats when I get home, and petting them before going to bed. But that's about it right now on the enjoyment front.

Honestly I'm enjoying my dreams right now more than my awake time. I've been dreaming of good times with my ex-wife. I miss her.

Still beat

Runny nose is on the decline, but I'm even more tired than yesterday. I did not sleep well, shoulder/rib problem was and is bothering me. I hate the brain fog I'm in. I hate feeling like this, right now even taking care of myself is a struggle, much less getting other stuff done.

After lunch today I took a 90 minute or so nap. That helped with the worst of how I was feeling this morning. I managed to do two load of laundry (everything for this week) . I live in a second floor apartment and the laundry is in the basement, which is why it was hard. Had to throw a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner, not enough energy to properly prepare anything. At least I only get the fancy ones that are supposed to be healthier.

Here's hoping I can knock some things out at work tomorrow so I can feel a sense of accomplishment.

A cold

Basically, I had a cold all day, sneezing, runny nose, brain fog all day. I did get out of the house to get a few groceries, because I had nothing to drink or breakfast type food.

Tonight is the night

I sign the last of the house refinance papers. That is the last remaining bit of the divorce decree. My sore throat is now a runny nose and upset stomach. I'd say I had a stuffy head too but my brain is already fogged with depression. I'm meeting at my house for the documents right after work. Get it done with. I am so beat right now. It's a damp and dreary day, I could use some sunshine. I just want to lie in bed and doze.

I'd love to have some energy, I havnt had a bit of it for at least a week. I've been taking my meds. While my sleep is improved, I still am dazed and exhausted every morning.

Worked through

Forced myself through sharp anxiety at the other work site. Bonus anxiety for me, it was at a small airport.

Now the adrenaline is wearing off and I'm probably headed for a low. Don't have the energy to take my cafeteria tray back to the cafeteria.

Sometimes I'm so frustrated by this. Other times I'm too tired to be frustrated.

Alarm went off mid dream

It's 11am and I'm still more asleep than awake. Managed to get some work done. Then went back to my office and shut the door. I have to go to another site later today for something. Not sure how I am going to manage. It's a site I havnt been to before, which is an anxiety trigger for me.

My throat is still not all better, slowly. Had to stop at a bank last night for my home refinance. I am so tired. I have no energy. Hopefully this afternoon I will feel better.

Pillows everywhere

Yesterday was better than Monday. Last night I apparently tossed and turned all night since the pillows were all over. Woke up half hour before my alarm and didn't fall back asleep. I could use a nap. Still feeling sick in my throat, but the coughing last night was less than Monday. Depression is bad for your immune system.

My diet efforts are on hold because it's Girl Scout cookie time and I love Thin Mints. I bought two boxes this weekend, already at a box.

Ice cream

Spent a long time last night coughing in bed. What finally soothed my throat and allowed me to sleep? Ice cream, at around midnight. Still coughing this morning. Need more sleep. Don't feel quite as bad as yesterday. I bad a panic attack late yesterday at work because I was so tired. It was thankfully short. Work piled up yesterday because I didn't have enough energy to get everything done, plus there were more than the normal number of new requests.

Anxiety attack trigger

Trying desperately to stay awake, and work has barely started. This is the kind of thing that triggers panic attacks. I woke up around 5:30 and was only sort of half asleep when the alarm went off. Was in bed shortly after 7 last night but didn't really sleep until 9.

I have been taking my medication, but havnt really seen a difference yet.

I still have a scratchy throat.

Did myself some good

Very tired, but went to ping pong for 40 minutes anyway. I hadn't been in two weeks or so due to depression. I don't feel better but exercise is good for depression. Need to keep it up.

Also, I seen to have caught some bug, my throat has been scratchy for the past day, and now it's joined by upset stomach.

I'm going to be in bed by 7pm today.

Yeah friday

I woke up early and didn't fall back asleep before my alarm. Trying to look on the bright side, it's Friday. I could use a nap. Home refinance stuff keeps getting dragged out, which is wearing on me since I want to be done with that. At least it's out of my hands. Taxes are done, but my local taxes wants more documentation for 2010(!). Local taxes are crazy, harder to fill out than federal.

Tired already

I went to bed not long after 8pm yesterday, was wiped out. Thought i slept ok. 9am and already struggling to stay awake.

Cat jumped on me

As I was falling back asleep in the night just now. Trying not to have a panic attack right now from my reaction and the racing heart combined with mostly being asleep. Heart going really fast and falling asleep, which I don't want to do until I feel calmer.

Today was better work wise. I didn't get as much work done, but I felt more relaxed. Not having people constantly showing up at my door helped. Assuming I can keep the panic attack off and get some sleep, I should be able to deal with tomorrow ok as well.

Tough right now, my body view falling asleep as passing out from the running heart, but because i was essentially asleep my body also wants to fall asleep. Trying to walk the line where I calm down and stay awake for now. Will get out of bed for a bit.

Trying, but made it

Didn't fall asleep last night until 11 or so, and woke up around 6. Not really enough, especially since I'm still not getting good sleep. Still, I forced myself through the day. Didn't nap, actually couldn't, because I was busy. Tired now, bedtime.

Can't fall asleep

I tried to get some sleep around 7:30. Not close. Just got back out of bed at 9. Trying again now, at 11. Took a warm shower. Body is resisting though, can't find a comfortable position.

Some improvement

Yesterday afternoon I did feel a little more energy. And overnight I managed to get a four hour period of sleep. Still very tired today. Couldn't stay asleep this morning. It's the weekend though.

Just trying to stay awake

Today was not conducive to the lunch hour nap. Drinking lots of icewater and having short walks/stretches. Trying to stay awake, shifting around in my chair constantly so I don't start dozing.

Made it through hour one

I think I got a bit better sleep last night. At new work site. The person I'm supposed to meet is offsit right now so Im sitting in their office space. I was already roped into and finished some work. Last time I was at this site I had anxiety. Today it's mostly tired. We'll see later when I'm shown around more and have to meet the key people onsite.

I think I'll be ok here after today.
The office is quiet.

Just trying to stay awake

Napped over lunch. Not restful though. Afternoon and I'm just trying to stay awake at this point. Spent a couple minutes walking through the building, it helped, but not for long. My work transfer starts tomorrow, so I hope I get actual rest tonight.

Back on meds

Saw a doctor yesterday as requested by the urgent care doc. He feels it's depression/stress, prescribed fluoxetine and something for sleeping. The sleeping med is addictive, and with my anxiety over falling asleep I am scared to actually take that. Started the Fluoxetine though. Came to work today, but things are in a haze still.

I am very tired. That's a typical symptom of my depression. Then again I havnt slept right in some time, that's not typical. Normally I just sleep and sleep and sleep, not wake up all the time.

Need to be at work, to show myself I can, and because I don't get paid if I'm not. I dont have tons of money laying around where I can just say "forget it". I do like this job generally.

Sleep

I tried going to bed around 8. Kept jerking awake as soon as I would start dozing until about 11. Finally my body let itself sleep for hour long periods until about 4. Started actually being restful around 5:30, but was still only a series of naps. Slept until noon or so.

Food: got up at breakfast time long enough to eat a banana and a yogurt, and a cup of tea. When I woke up at noon I had 2 pieces of pizza and a bottle of izzi fruit soda. Now at 1pm a large glass of gatorade. Not really hungry. Mostly just tired right now.

The standing/sitting blood pressure results from yesterday make me wonder if that, and not depression, is the cause for my being tired easily, and the anxiety/lightheadedness I get having to stand in lines.

Scared to sleep

Took a warm shower. It did help me. Do not want that vertigo feeling again. See previous post. Might try keeping my bedside lamp on.

Went to urgent care

Doc did ekg, blood, urine.Nothing obvious except fast heart rate and a larger than expected blood pressure different standing versus sitting. He gave me 2 liters of fluids for dehydration (his best guess), and I have an appointment tomorrow. Fast heart rate probably because I was so tired, a bit disoriented. Didn't want to just fall asleep or pass out, brain forcing me to be awake. Anxious about falling asleep since I'm the only one in the house and don't have nearby friends (thanks depression, you're so wonderful that way).

Came home, got all nice and warm in a chair, and nodded off. Hypnic jerk made that last about 2 seconds and I bolted upright. I get those every once in awhile. Heart races, disoriented since I was just starting sleep. Bad because of my anxiety and vertigo experiences. Hadn't had these this past week.

Food today. yogurt and a yogurt parfait for breakfast, with 20 oz water and 8 oz tea. Banana right before seeing the urgent care clinic. One bite of a muffin, too dry couldn't eat it. Another banana and more tea in the afternoon. A piece of pizza and 12 oz of lemon/lime soda for dinner, I was too tired to cook, and not thirsty or hungry, just know I should eat something.

Then again I'm not normally thirsty and I just got treated for dehydration.

I feel bad physically, tired, slow thinking, and I feel bad mentally depression wise about it. Can't get trapped in a situation where I don't feel well enough to take care of myself, since no one is around to take care of me, afraid this might become that.

Better quality, worse result

I slept in 2-3 hour chunks last night. Went to work and thought I was feeling a bit better until I had a vertigo episode. Had to come home, disoriented and exhausted from the vertigo. Called my health insurance to find someone close to me. Will try to get a nap first.

Made it through

Getting to work was so hard. Twice I wanted to just turn around and go home. I had to park in the garage attached to my work because I was feeling that bad, and pay the extra $5 over my normal lot across the street. Once I got to my desk I felt a bit better. No energy and moved very slow all day, but got my work done. I napped for 20-30 minutes at lunch. Had too, was that tired. It helped me get through the rest of the day. Didn't eat a whole lot today, breakfast was a yogurt parfait, a lowfat muffin, and a banana spread through the morning. My lunch was just a sandwich, and a bowl of soup around 3, dinner was naan bread and hummus, and later an apple, some nuts and some healthy baked chips. That's not an unhealthily little amount of food, and what I ate was healthy stuff and not junk food.

I've been working hard the past two weeks on eating healthy and having little/no greasy/sugary stuff. Maybe I feel bad because my body is addicted to bad stuff :) break through and I'll hav a nicely healthy diet that's good for me. This past years efforts at healthier eating have resulted in around 12 kg of weight lost. More to go to get nice and healthy, I'm still over the doctor recommended weights, but I'm nearly back to what's been normal for me for the past 8-10 years.

I feel like...

... synonym for really bad. Exhausted, upset stomach/nausea (that happens when I don't get enough sleep), shoulder/ribs still awry. Managed 4 non restful fours in a row, plus one more. Task one: get self to work.

Sigh

I moved from the bed to a pullout couch to a papasan chair and back to my bed just now. I've had less than an hours sleep so far. Shoulder/rib problem is bothering me because I can't stop fidgeting it long enough for it to relax, despite the Alleve I took for it. I just want some relaxing sleep. Even if I get some for the rest of the night I'm going to feel bad in the morning. Telling myself to relax, but can't find a position that relaxes me and doesn't exacerbate the shoulder/rib issue. Posting this relaxes me a little since it takes my mind off what I feel while I'm describing what I feel. That sounds strange. I'll try to sleep now.

3 days of bad sleep

My sleep on Friday and Saturday night consisted on a series of approximately hour long naps. As a result I was very tired yesterday and today. Hopefully tonight is better. It doesn't seem tied to the work transfer, because I havnt been thinking about that. This same napping al night happened last Friday as well. When I was getting various tests for my my depression, I did have sleep tests, and I do not have any significant sleep apnea, so that's unlikely to be the reason. Maybe I'll try sleeping with my bedside lamp on. The light relaxes me. Even if it prevents me from getting really good sleep, which it does when I do that, it will be better than what I've had for the past three days.

I dreamt I was Batman

Only it was one of those stories where he loses badly. Maybe I wasn't "Batman". Couldn't get that brain wave out of my head and spent the whole night in that dream state. As a result I'm exhausted, my brains not working very well, and falling asleep. It's lunchtime, so I'm going to try to get some shuteye.

At least it's Friday. One more good thing is the weight I put on over the holidays has mostly come back off already, back within a kg of my intermediate goal.

New challenges on the way.

First, I didn't get to sleep until fairly late last night, so I didn't get enough sleep (for me). Had to work through lunch on something for a senior executive, and spent an hour late in the afternoon showing him things. That was stressful, as I had to perform at a high level while very tired.

Also, found out I'm being transferred to another facility to temporarily take over for an employee who is leaving the company. That's going to mean a big change in my routine, different and more stressful job functions, and new people and a new place to deal with. I'll also be the only person with my job function there, so won't have the camaraderie with co-workers I have now. It will be challenging from an anxiety perspective.

Finished the workday with the shoulder twitch I tend to do when I get too stressed.

Another 50 minutes

Monday was surprisingly ok. I did another 50 minutes worth just now. This time at a higher intensity tough, worked up a sweat. My eyes are kind of spinning a bit from following the ping pong ball.