Still no energy

I'd hoped to have more over my vacation time. Instead I can hardly stay awake. Have done very little on my hobby project recently, don't have the energy. Just some mindless computer game playing.

No energy today.

Just played a game on the computer most of the day. Since I used up all the perishible food because I was going to be out of town, and it's Christmas so I couldn't go get anything, I'm having a plate of pasta for dinner.

Couldn't do it

Was able to get myself to the airport and to the gate, but just couldn't do it. Big time anxiety. Talked with an airline agent and got a ride being pushed in a wheelchair back out to my car. I felt terrible. I could barely walk from the anxiety. Called the family and told them I wasn't going to be able to be there. I feel terrible about that. I wanted to cry. And right now I just feel terrible in general.

I still want to cry. I'm so frustrated. I'd wanted to show myself that I could do it. Now what? This is a low point, it leaves me wondering how I'm going to take on other things.

Didn't sleep well

I tried to stay up later last night since I'm flying out west and will be dealing with the time change. My night was just a series of consecutive naps and I never relaxed. Since I don't land tonight until what will be midnight for me, I hope I can get some napping done on the plane.

At my gate at the airport. Anxiety level is extremely high, worst when checking in and walking the concourse. Flight is completely full. I cam 90 minutes before boarding in hopes my anxiety level will drop. Confrontation is a key component of CBT.

Not thinking about my trip

Not really thinking about my trip for tomorrow through Tuesday. Am tired today, had once of those mini starbucks drinks they sell at the grocery store, didn't make a difference I noticed.

No energy this morning

Dragged myself in to work. 8am and I have as little energy as when I walked out of work at 5pm yesterday. I thought I slept ok, asleep by 9:30 or so. My shoulder is bothering me as well. Hopefully trudging though todays work will get me going. Its almost winter solstice, I've been telling myself that days are going to start getting longer. The longer days don't normally start doing anything for menu til around March, which I know, but tell myself "longer days" anyway.

Hanging in there

Was ok Saturday. Very tired and low energy yesterday and today. Also felt better on Friday when the problem wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Holidays start on Friday for me. Flying out to see my family Saturday. I am most definitely not looking forward to the airport. The flying itself is not a problem, but the lines and general christmastime airport chaos will be a severe panic attack waiting to happen. I have not been doing well standing in even short lines at the grocery store recently, and standing in the long airport lines... Well I'll try my best. Cognitive behavior therapy encourages confronting the causes of panic. I'll keep telling myself that.

Last time I was out in LA with my family, I had a huge panic attack. All the chaos of Christmas and the coffee I needed to be awake for the family gathering was too much. I'd tried to make it through the full day of the gathering, but near dinner was totally overwhelmed.

No better this morning

I have to face the person, much worse

Exercise does you good

So tired yesterday, nearly had a panic attack waiting in line for lunch, and it was a one person line. Went for evening ping pong and got run around a bit for 30 minutes by someone who's better than I am. Felt positive after that. Did not have problems falling asleep, and anxiety so far today (10am) has been less. As difficult as it can be to motivate for exercise, it does me good to do it.

Edit: 4pm. Was busy today. Still holding up.

Edit: at the end of the day I looked at the work queue, and someone I worked on yesterday and rebuilt her computer put in a new ticket saying some of her data was missing. My anxiety level is now incredibly high. I made very sure I backed up all the person's data after I made a mistake this summer and lost data from someone. I'm terrified I missed something somehow.

Hard sleep

Yesterday was better than Monday. No panic attacks. My hands and feet have been cold, from anxiety, I can tell because they're properly warm when I'm feeling relaxed. Woke up around 5:30 this morning with my body all tensed up, tried to stretch it out into a more relaxed position and get a few more zzzs before the alarm.

Home refinance company decided yesterday, after weeks of telling me I could put my home equity loan into the main loan without any problems, that I can't do that and need to pay it off. Wonder where the money's going to come from for that. I have savings, but not that much.

Vertigo sleep anxiety

Had some significant anxiety today, at work and when I made myself go get some groceries on the way home (I was already exhausted). Id tried having one of those small starbucks frappucinos they sell at markets in glass bottles, hoping the caffeine would help the tiredness and not affect the anxiety. It didnt help, and it probably did, respectively.

Full or nearly full panic attack at the grocery. Managed to get the few things I'd gone for, as I was already heading for the line when the worst of it started, and was next in line with people behind me in line when the worst hit, it was tough.

Took a hot shower at home, helped some. Also tried some stretching and some basic exercises like situps. I felt some vertigo from that, maybe from the head movements of the sit-ups. Vertigo causes me lots of anxiety. A few years ago I got diagnosed with positional vertigo. When I received testing, the technician actually stopped some tests because I was one of the worst they'd seen. I've also been having vertigo when falling asleep, especially naps. It's to the point that I'm scared to nap/go to sleep because of fear of the vertigo sensation.

Positives for the day: all documents done for house refinance, that 5 minutes or so of exercise. Ending post on the positives. Time to get some sleep.

Didn't sleep well last night either

Tried going to bed at 9, but anxiety kept me up until 10. Silly thing is the anxiety was from trying to stay awake earlier and so my body was jolting itself back awake after nodding off at all. Also, I was so tired I was having some vertigo when I'd start to not off. I woke up several times and don't feel like I got any deep sleep.

I did get in 30 minutes of ping pong yesterday, which I wasn't too enthused about since I was very tired. And I finished fixing the broken handrail on the stairs, had to wait for the plaster spackle stuff to dry from when I applied it Saturday. It's not the greatest fix, since I'm not super handy, but at least it's up.Those are good things.

I get December 23 as vacation, so only 9 work days until a week and a day off. And a plane trip to see the family for a few days of that, we'll see how that goes.

Having a small attack

Right now in the middle of the night. Mostly anxious, it woke me up. I turned on my bedside light, it has a warm color that I find soothing, and is not so bright. It's more relaxing than the lights being off. Don't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but I had only one choice yet somehow I had to choose from among multiple things despite their only being one choice available and visible to me.

My rib/sternum are bothering me. It tends to do that because it shifts or something when my shoulder pops, which tends to happen because of a motion with it I tend to make when anxious. I can make it happen on purpose by rotating my shoulder in a certain way. It makes a couple of my upper left ribs sore on the front of my chest. And my body's reaction to the feeling (other than anxiety) is to tend to move the shoulder around in just the way that causes the feeling in the first place. Upper left front of the chest is not exactly a good place for soreness in someone with anxiety attacks already, since it's said an anxiety attack can make you feel like you are having a heart attack. If I pay attention to the feeling I can tell it's at rib level and not inside my chest at heart level, and of course it's something I can consciously cause with shoulder movement. However anxiety attacks are not the most logical of moments.

Writing posts while having the anxiety attacks helps distract me from the anxiety, helping with the attacks. I should take some Alleve (that generally seems to help with the ribs/sternum) and try to relax enough to fall back to sleep.

Only woke up 8 or 9 times last night

Probably not going to be a banner day. We'll see. Will do my best.

Edit: I should add a bit of good news here. Stepped on the scale this morning and have now lost 26 pounds, putting me within 5 of my wedding day weight. 26 pounds over 8 months. My goal had been reaching my wedding weight over a year, so I'm doing well there. Slow and steady.

I'm sorry sweetie.

Had to file yet more paperwork related to my divorce today. Hopefully the last for awhile. I understand why she left, because of my depression and anxiety, I'm not the person she fell in love with and married. I don't blame her at her at all, I was unable to be the person for her. I wanted to be, but as much as I tried, I couldn't. I'm sorry sweeti, really I ame.

It's a little past 6pm. I'm very tired, you can see it in my other post today. Just trying to relax a bit before going to bed. Ping pong is tonight, but I don't have the energy. In two more weeks, I have a week off from work. Also found out this week I didn't get the job I applied for, but will be keeping my current position. Right now I think it's for the better, as the current position has less stress.

Panic attack while waiting

Just had a panic attack while standing waiting for the chef to cook my lunch. Got the world is closing in on me feeling. Got the need to get out of here feeling. Got the going to pass out feeling. Got out of line and sat for a few minutes until my order was done. I actually went to bed before 9 last night so I should be rested, but I don't really feel like it. I've been standing forward on my toes for the past week or so, like my balance is off.


I need to close my eyes for a bit while I'm still at lunch, prepare for afternoon work.

edit: didn't get any shuteye. I have no idea how I made it through an hourlong afternoon meeting. Waiting in line at the Qdoba for something to take home for dinner, I started getting the panic again, but it was fast enough it didn't have a chance to really get going.

As tired as I was yesterday

I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed around in bed for two hours after going to bed (at 8pm). Saturday I had a bit of energy in the evening after not having much during the day. Had to take the cats to the vet, and sitting in the tiny appointment room with my one cat physically attached to me he was so scared. His anxiety transferred to me, and I was still tired. Then another appointment in the afternoon related to my house refinance.

Sunday was tired all day. Still did my ping pong. Wanted to nap instead, but went. I hope I have more energy at work this week.

Just want to sleep

I havnt gotten more than a few straight hours of sleep in the past few days, always waking out of dream states. Not sleeping on my back, which is where some sleep studies a few years ago showed minor insignificant apneas. I've been taking hot showers before bed, and those leave me relaxed, but it's not lasting through the night.

Half asleep on my feet today, work is extra busy with people out sick as well.

Falling asleep

Had energy for an hour or so after ping pong last night. Wanted to skip and sleep but went anyway. Very little energy today. Still want to sleep. Woke up last night with my shirt tightly wrapped around me, indicating that I'd been twisting and turning in my sleep.