I'm not asleep

I was asleep by 8:30 yesterday, and up at 6:30 today. I still feel as if I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm more tired than I was a few years ago after 24 hours in planes and airports coming back from Europe. Of course after that I got 8 hours and was all set, no jet lag on the coming home part of the trip. I don't think the pasta lunch today helped either.

 edit: it's now 8:30. Somehow I managed to not fall asleep, and even went to the supermarket on the way home. Did some productive work for my hobby project after dinner. Now for bed though.

no topic

I crossed four things off my list of six things I needed to fix or get working for my hobby project yesterday. And went out and took care of a few things like getting a flu shot. Both positive things. On the other hand by the afternoon I was really tired, and in bed by 8. Woke up at 12:30 and didn't fall back asleep until around 2.

Went for ping pong. Didn't play particularly well or especially feel like playing (feel like napping) , but did about 30 minutes.

While I don't feel great today...

I at least feel functional. Tired, but not wondering how I'm going to make it through the day. I was in bed by 8 last night. It's Friday, so I have a weekend to look forward to sleeping in. More productive at work today than the rest of this week. Still want to get a nap at lunch.

Got some sleep

I skipped ping pong last night as I was falling asleep already. In bed around 7pm and fell right asleep. Woke up a few times but not from panic or vertigo. Felt more positive this morning until getting a big wave of tired not long after getting to work. One night won't make up for a week of no sleep I guess. By 8:30am I felt like I needed a nap and would fall asleep if I wasn't fighting it. It's now 9am and I'm fighting it and trying to work.

I've been off fluoxetine since March. Maybe time to start again if I'm not improving through the coming weekend.

edit: fought it through the entire day, had to get up and walk around a bit or stand some times. Took a 10 minute lunch nap. 8pm, now bedtime.

At work again

I got the lawn mowed last night. That was a victory. I knew I had to do it as soon as I got home or it wasn't going to get done. Probably last time this year with cold weather coming. Felt bad and out of it afterward. Went to bed at 9 and couldn't fall asleep despite the exhaustion. Woke up in the middle of the night, only to discover it was only 11. Woke up panicky and with a bit of vertigo around 3. Tried to go back to sleep but couldnt, was getting mild vertigo when closing my eyes, even when I moved to a chair. Got up and took a warm shower. That relaxed me enough I was able to climb back into bed and fall asleep. Managed to get some decent sleep until the alarm web off. Not as difficult getting myself in to work today as yesterday. It's only 8:30 and I don't know how I'm going to get any work done today. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other I guess. I could really use some good sleep, it's been a week. Patience and perserverance.

Made it to 12:30. Calmer, but still very tired. Brain doesn't want to let go for a nap. My meeting this afternoon is going to be a challenge. Was reading on CNN about mindfulness meditation, wrote down the name of the authors book so I can get it. It's supposed to be useful against depression.

At work

Truly a mind over matter day. Getting up, ready, and to work. Fortunately not much brainpower required today. Just exhausted. Napped a bit over lunch, I didn't doze off quickly, so I think I was only asleep for maybe 10 minutes. I feel like I need a couple of hours, even though I was in bed at 8 last night, and woke up around 5:30. Workday ends in another three hours. I want to nod off but I'm afraid of having the vertigo while doing so. I think my brain is so tired it's forgetting to balance while I nap.

The anxiety and the depression I can deal with, at least I believe I can. The vertigo I cant, it's very scary. I bought some Dramamine yesterday, took one, and was out like a light 90 minutes later. Can't do that at work.

I got some Mexican lime chicken soup with lunch. I like it, but the sloppy joe filled me up.

Last week at this time I was tired, but I was making myself function fine. I could tell myself, yes, you are tired, but youre going to do this because its just depression tired. I started getting a fever and feeling bad last wednesday. I hope I just have a bug, even though I'm not coughing or sneezing, and this clears up. The tired but functional I was dealing with.

Sleeping upright

After doing the home treatment maneuvers for the vertigo, you have to sleep upright. I do not sleep well upright. I woke up essentially every hour or more frequently. My head still doesn't feel right, so I've called in sick to work. I was already scheduled for the morning off.

Vertigo, panic and nausea

I've was diagnosed with benign positional vertigo several years ago. In fact the tech when I was tested told me I was one of the worst she'd ever seen on the tests. I occasionally get vertigo when falling asleep, I guess my head nods or parts of my brain turn off before they should. I woke up early this morning and while eating breakfast I had a severe bpv episode. Right now I'm ready to puke from the nausea, having a surge of panic from the vertigo feeling, exhausted, and afraid to try to sleep for fear of the vertigo happening,

Saturday

Thursday I still felt terrible and had to nap at lunch. Felt somewhat better Friday. I didn't nap but I certainly wanted to, and felt pretty bad towards the end of the workday. I was really tired when I got home. Ordered delivery sushi for dinner. Forced myself to get some things taken care of, watched some videos on youtube related to my hobby project. Turned on my SAD light and stayed up until 10.

Slept until 7:30 this morning. Woke up in the middle of the night having a bad dream (I dreamt I was in The Thing.). Got myself out to the farmers market despite not really feeling that awake, and despite the fall chill having arrived. I did enjoy the fresh mini donuts. Despite getting a mocha coffee I never really woke up. By 11am I was desperate for a nap, and took one around noon after eating something. Still tired. Will be spending a lot of time in front of the SAD light.

Must fight.

Yesterday, couldn't sleep enough. Now it's the middle of the night and I've woken up and can't fall back asleep. Came out to the computer chair and can't sleep there either. A bit of nausea as well. I had a sick co-worker last week who had to miss several days. I hope it's just from him, and I'm a little sick and not headed for a depression. Must fight. My job gives no sickdays and vacation the first year. I haven't missed any days this year for being sick. Don't want to miss any due to depression. Must fight it.

edit: it's nearly 6:30.  I didn't get any good sleep after what I wrote about 3:30, sleep for a bit, wake up. Tried getting up and taking a warm shower. Didn't really help. Making a go of it today. We'll see. I expect to have to nap, and I don't expect to be very productive. But I'm going to beat this.

edit again: felt better once I got to work. Did take a quick nap over lunchtime. Pretty well totally beat by the end of the workday. Didn't feel so great. I did go and get in my table tennis, 30 minutes or so.

Today was terribly hard

I was quite tired yesterday, but went to bed early and felt I slept well. But I never really "woke up" today, felt like I could sleep for plenty more. Not very effective today at work, and by the afternoon I was pretty much ineffective. I was at someone's desk and felt a huge need to sleep, very chilly, and got that "I'm going to pass out" feeling that comes with panic attacks. Oddly I didn't have the usual adrenaline surge I get during panic. It was very difficult to fight off. I just wanted to come home and climb into bed. Was able to fight it barely, but didn't really get much else done in the afternoon.

This past Saturday I was pretty productive, Sunday I was pretty beat though. Tomorrow I'm going to start using the SAD lightbox. The weather is changing, and it's visible earlier sunset and later sunrise. After today, I'm hoping this isn't going to be what things are like the whole winter.

On the good side, I've successfully lost a few more pounds. 20 down, 20 to go for my goal. And my one cat finally seems somewhat ok with my walking up to him, he's been a scaredy cat since I got him four years ago as a 6 month old. He's only ok if I'm sitting or lying down, not standing.

Finally had to nap

Made it to Wednesday, but I never "woke up", and finally napped for 15-20 minutes at lunchtime. Played my 40 minutes of ping pong Wednesday night. Got through Thursday, but was beat after the day and sweeping the floor at home after work. Had a bit of fever, felt warm. Went to bed early but did not sleep well. I'd shifted back to the bed after sleeping on the pull out futon bed for the past month or so, they have the same mattress, though the bed is old and soft. Beat today too, getting though. Yay weekend. Havnt had much energy after work for the past two weeks. Have had to put some stuff back together for my hobby project since I lost it. It's a slog recreating work, and I'm wondering how much I'm missing in it.

Pizza for lunch. Work cafeteria has surprisingly good pizza they make on Fridays.

Made it

One month with no naps. Going to nap today though, I couldn't fall asleep last night and did not sleep well. I got maybe 6 hours of sleep. I did some situps right before I'd tried to go to bed. I think that did it.

Good thing: My recent re-commitment to healthy eating is paying off. I lost 3 pounds. Yay me. I'd been plateaued.