Two more panic attacks

Since my last post, I've had two more panic attacks. Once when trying to buy some pillows at a store (so I can hopefully get some restful sleep). I was in line and stuck. I hope the medication hurries up. Every morning I wake up exhausted and more tired than when I went to bed, and tend to fall asleep in my chair sometime before lunch. I'm not even doing much, so this is doubly frustrating.

Had to leave my job

I had to quit the job. I was barely eating, barely functional, and my lunch hours consisted of sitting in my car at times shaking with anxiety (even at my desk that would happen).

Went and saw my doctor, who put me on meds. And seeing a shrink again as well. Right now I am not functioning well, getting through my days and hoping the meds kick in sooner rather than later.

Monday was hell

Monday was one long panic attack and nothing I did was able to control it. Went home at the end of the day shaking. Shaking all evening, only able to eat some yogurt, a banana, and some chicken and barely that. Finally fell asleep sometime around midnight only to wake up at 2, shaking. It's now 4:30. I need to see a psychiatrist. The medication is not working.

Friday

All the bananas are already eaten. The computer based training sessions yesterday were tough. Today I had training from co-workers. My lunchtime was sitting in my car in a park, tingling all over from the anxiety. I couldn't eat more than a bite or two of the sandwich I bought for lunch. Forced myself to try breathing exercises. Was wondering how I'd last the afternoon, and even if I wanted to just go in and quit. Forced myself back to work and had an hour long training session. Somehow, I did better in the afternoon, I even felt like I asked some decent questions while getting the afternoon training.


At least one day next week I'm going to be shadowing someone, and will have to go to another client site. Also I'm going to be live in the system and start taking calls.

For whatever reason, I did not have an actual panic attack this week. That is, I did not have the giant adrenaline peak followed by a crash. Instead I had a constant high level of anxiety and exhaustion. I think twice I was headed for an attack but was able to control it, including while sitting in the car at lunch today.

I suppose what's going to happen is either I'm going to have a huge panic attack or a lot of my panic is just going to get burned out from being constantly active.

Made it through

Fortunately, today was almost all doing computer training sessions.. Today was an hour at a time. Forced myself to a grocery store and stocked up on bananas and yogurt since I was out of both, in case of more anxiety nausea.

I've made it through two days without having a panic attack, but both days I've been out of it mentally because of the anxiety (whether directly or because of lack of quality sleep). Tomorrow is all training sessions, but I was scheduled for a session ending at 6pm, not digging that. Friday apparently I will have to go out to a client site again. Uggh. Let's not think about that now and just enjoy being at home with my cats.

New step 4

Get self to work.

I went to bed early and woke up several times. Around 4:30 I really couldn't sleep anymore. Upset stomach so I had some yogurt hoping to calm it down. Forced myself to try and slept until about 6am. Still nauseous and stomach audibly churning. Fizzy water and an apple since that's all I can stand the thought of eating right now. Took 2 L-Theanine just now.

Breathe, try to focus on be-ing.

New Job

Not only did I have the interview yesterday, the gave me an offer later in the day and had me start today. So it's been a crazy last two days for anxiety. They needed me to start today because someone was leaving them today and I am one of two people being assigned to pick up their duties.

Not only did I have first day of work anxiety, which caused me to not sleep well at all (I woke up 5-6 times), I was sent right away to meet this person at a client site, and then go to another client site. So a triple dose of going somewhere new anxiety + new job anxiety. I managed to not have an anxiety attack somehow, maybe the L-Theanine was responsible, but I was also totally beat the whole day.

Complete:
Step 1. Get self into the office.
Step 2. Make it to lunch.
Step 3. Make it to the end of the first day.

Next:
Step 4: Make it to end of the second day.

Oh goodness I hope the rest of the week is paperwork in the office and computer based training sessions. At my last job, there were a lot of panic attacks in the first few weeks (getting divorced at the time didn't help). I was able to hide them because I was doing various computer training sessions in my cube. I toughed it out. I have to tough this out too. Day at a time, hour at a time, minutes at a time if I have to. Pet my cats, breathe deeply, get sleep.

Interview

I have an interview at 1pm today. Not my favorite time for one because of the potential to have to wait at the interview site for people to come back from lunch. Financially, I could use the money. I think one of my cats knows something is up, she's been on my lap purring all morning. I've had an l-theanine pill, and will have another before the interview. I took 4 before my last in person interview, and it seemingly helped in that I didn't have a panic attack. The job would be in a new area, so there would be a lot to learn. It would be desk-bound and remote support, which I think would be good as I wouldn't have to go face to face with people when I'm not feeling it.