Got more sleep, am more tired

How does that work?

Was in bed by 9 and asleep almost immediately. I actually feel more tired today than yesterday. Today it is a "relaxed" tired rather than an anxious tired. But I'm having more trouble staying awake.

Did avoid a panic attack yesterday.

Maybe 5 hours

I didn't fall asleep last night until maybe 1am or so. And since today is a Monday I had to get up and go to work of course. Woke up sometime around 5am went back to bed and started dreaming about trying to get to sleep...

Right now I certainly am feeling the effects of that little sleep. I havnt started going into panic mode from my body's reaction to lack of sleep yet.

Edit: 10:15 and the panic is on it's way. My sternum feels tight thanks to the excercise yesterday moving my shoulder and ribs around. So it feels like I can't breathe a bit. That feeling is the trigger, so focusing on how that feels.

Got my excercise, am tired

Last week I felt pretty good after my ping pong club. Today I just felt tired. Didn't go on Wednesday because I was still in the job worries and busy week. Did play for about 30 minutes and got a sweat going. I keep telling myself it's good for me and give me more energy on other days. Exercise, good for depression and good for health.

edit: Went to bed and lay there for an hour. Couldn't sleep so just got up now. Maybe I'll try sleeping on the couch. Didn't nap today. No stress I can identify outside of generally not feeling so great today after exercising. I cooked up a burger for lunch before ping pong and only realized after I'd eaten it that it was a couple days past the sell by date. I cooked it well though and didn't get an upset stomach.

Most of the time I'm posting from my phone, so I apologize if there are weird words in a post. Auto-corrections.

When I'm not posting here, it's because I'm feeling ok.

Spring has sprung early and sunshine has been the order of the day recently. My attitude has been on a slow and steady improvement for a while. This week has been trying at work. A high number of critical and time sensitive issues, and having to deal with a high ranking person who felt I messed something up for her, resulting in my being called into an even higher ranking person's office. It turned out to be the first person not identifying something that had already been shown them. The second time around, when the second person walked through things with them, they recognized it.

But there was four days when I thought it was possible to lose my job over it, so I was on guard against the negative thoughts that were trying to get to me. Today is the first day when there were no time and priority critical issues expected in a week (one time critical one has popped up and been taken care of).

Anyway, woke up tired and out of sorts today. Haven't had any naps for a week. Probably one at lunch today. The run of critical thing caught up some. Looking forward to the weekend.

Can't sleep

Saturday night I spent 2/3 of the night dreaming I was dodging falling giant skyscrapers. So I was pretty well beat up when I got out of bed this morning. Still I couldn't make myself take a nap. My brain wanted to grab the whole day off available to it, and not "miss it" by napping. I did get a few productive things done, even though it didn't feel like I did much and i was tired the whole day. I was not feeling up to ping pong even, which is on Sundays. Last night was also spring forward for the year.

Tonight I dutifully got myself to bed around 8:30. But i just lay there not finding a comfortable position and either awake or half asleep for the past two hours, it's past 10:30 now. I've moved out to the pullout sofa in the living room. The change relaxes me a bit, maybe I can fall asleep now.

Panic attack

Having one right now. So tired, even though I felt I slept ok. Felt ok yesterday. Hate this.

edit: Kept things relatively under control. I was having attacks without the depression back in December before having depression without attacks in January/Feb. Wonder if this means I'm coming out of it for the winter.

I think I tracked down the root cause of the panic attack, My ex-wife has been in my dreams every night recently, and in the dreams we've been talking about the divorce and why things didn't work. So there it is, my conscious mind isn't thinking about it, but my sleeping mind definitely is working things out.

Avoided a panic attack

I managed to avoid having a panic attack at the funeral by focusing on my breathing. It was difficult, as I had all the symptoms of heading into one, the feeling of tiredness, lightheadedness, the desire to head for the exit. The funeral lasted for only about 20-25 minutes. I'm not sure how much longer I would have been able to take, since I was forcing myself the entire time.

But still I managed to do it. I sat in the back near the door, just in case. The location of the funeral was about 45 minutes away from my home, in a place I was unfamiliar with, and lots of people there. Being in a dress shirt, a not so comfortable chair (those types of chairs never are) and it feeling very warm didn't help, the warmth could have just been my anxiety. I was fidgeting and not sitting properly the entire time. I focused on telling myself to breathe, I wasn't the focus, I only had to be present, and I could leave as soon as it was done.

I'm glad I was able to be there for my friend. He was the reason I went even though I expected to have a panic attack. Im also glad for myself that I was able to participate in the world. After the airport at Christmas I felt as if I was now totally unable to do that.

A funeral

The father of an old friend passed away Wednesday. I'll be attending the funeral tomorrow. Here's hoping no panic attacks.