Covid

My work has gone to permanent work from home. This is great for me, no commute and at lunch I can nap when I want to.

Someone in my "coronavirus bubble" with did get mildly sick last week with Covid as confirmed by a positive test, so I've been exposed to it. I don't feel sick or have any symptoms at this time. Not really worried about it at this time, as I've done all I can as far as distancing and mask wearing and such.

Still sleeping way too much. Still low on energy. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to fall asleep.

Here's hoping

I bought a SAD light to use at work, in addition to the one I have at home. Here's hoping it works well. It did seem to help at least some last week.

Thanksgiving Day was difficult, in that I was very tired. I went out to my normal Thanksgiving with friends, but I was more tired than in past years. That tracks with my general tiredness recently, last year I didn't have any seasonal depression issues until late January, and by then Spring was already in the foreseeable future.

Yesterday I did ok, played with the tenant's kids for awhile. Was tired trying to keep up with them, but that's a good positive thing to do.

Today I was very tired. Even sleeping until noon I could barely keep awake, even with some coffee. I did clean up around the house, which makes me feel somewhat better. It was much needed, the cats have been busy creating piles of cat hair, and tracking cat litter around.

Continuing on...

Reading the last post and a lot of that tiredness in there is still the case. The panic attacks themselves has subsided.

Yesterday I was so tired at work I got up and walked through the halls for a bit. Coffee didn't help. Some of the medications I take have tiredness and fatigue as side effects, so I am wondering if those are causing this. I'll see when I see my doctor next.

Tired but have to do something = panic attack

I got through Friday without a panic attack. Watched a training video, then dial-in meeting, then lunch. After lunch I got on the phones and didn't have an attack.

Of note from last week, I have a lot of anticipatory anxiety about working with clients on the phone, what if I have a panic attack while trying to assist them. The problem is that is the main part of my job. I had a couple of days where I was super incredibly fatigued, like it was a tremendous struggle to stay awake while at work. After lunch it gets somewhat better. It's not low blood sugar though, I am snacking on bananas and things. My brain just feels overloaded and my senses overstimulated, the lunch hour lets it relax some. Then after work it gets better.

Every workday last week I needed to take a Xanax, my prescribed up to 2 a day on most days. Being short my two coworkers for my shift and having fill ins from other shifts that aren't trained on everything for my shift from Wednesday through Friday did not help, at all. During a no panic time, that would be no big deal.

Friday night I slept well and yesterday (Saturday) I was ok enough to get things like my laundry and groceries done (thank goodness for grocery delivery service), without needing to take a Xanax or a CBD gummy. Sat out on the front porch in the sun and let the warmth sink in for a while.

Last night I didn't sleep well and got panicky twice today, The first time I lay down for awhile, I figured I would nap but I didn't fall asleep. Later I got panicky enough to take half a Xanax, I was very tired. Tonight I just had a CBD gummy, which while hopefully give me a good night's sleep. Work doesn't start for another 16-1/2 hours. If I felt I could sleep until I had to get up for work, but then I'd be fully rested and fine at work, I'd take that.

In addition to the panic I am feeling depressed, or is that because of the panic. Regardless, I am currently feeling unmotivated and not fulfilled by what I am doing at work. Previously I was generally happy with the work. Right now I just wish I could retire or something, though financially I can't do that.

Still in panic state

Since I knew it was coming, I took a week of vacation to hopefully help with my anxiety. Saw my doctor on first day of vacation and got my Xanax refilled. I went several years in between refill.

Also had a panic attack while at the doctor. The week of vacation didn't really help. I am having panic and exhaustion issues at work. With the Xanax is mostly terrible exhaustion, which causes anxiety as I am exhausted while having to deal with clients. My brain feels incredibly slow when I'm in that state, I can hardly think and am so tired I don't want to even speak.

I've been able to shift a bit and do take some trainings and do some less client facing things, but there are times where I am the only one that can do some things. I was able to step outside for a while during lunch yesterday and sit in the sun in my car, which was helpful for a while.

The last time I took Xanax regularly I didn't have the kind of exhaustion I am having now, so not sure if that's a new side effect or just general exhaustion. The last time I also could pretty much feel it as it started working, not this time. Pill looks different too, different manufacturer or something.

Right now there's a lot of anticipatory anxiety. It's Friday, I am hoping it's very quiet at work and I get through the day without issues.

Currently down

After a long period of not being depressed or anxious, I am currently both with multiple panic attacks in the past week. It's very frustrating as In the past year I think I'd only had a single panic attack and it was relatively small scale. But today I had to take the day off work for it. Of course now I've slept all day and am wondering how I am going to sleep tonight and be ready for work tomorrow.

Before this down period I was doing good, so good I was even doing things like cleaning my apartment! It reached relatively clean.

Current status: ok

Vacuumed all my floors, cleaned and rearranged my bedroom, did gardening. It was exhausting, but I did it.

Coping with the winter

I seem to have reached a point in my current job where I've gotten on top of the learning curve and things seem to be smoothing out. My productivity is at a level my management is pleased with and my client feedback is generally quite positive. The reduced stress level from this has meant I haven't needed to take any xanax for about a month and a half now. I'm still taking my daily fluoxetine.

I've got a workday structure that seems to be working pretty well. Since I work second shift, I sleep as late as I feel like, get up, eat breakfast and if there is chore or anything like getting groceries get that done, take a nap, then eat lunch and get ready for work. At work I have a coffee, and after work I try to get in bed before midnight. With this strategy I haven't had so much tiredness at work, and it's meant I get more daylight and light in general in the wintertime than before.

Working 2nd shift means I have some awake time at home during daylight hours, instead of going to work in the dark and getting off work when it's dark.

More anxious days

We've been falling behind at work since they let someone go last month. Now another person is leaving to go elsewhere. We are going to go from behind to way behind. I think they really need to hire 3-4 more people.

My work is sometimes not stressful, but I hear about it if I ever do anything wrong, which means almost every day I am not looking forward to going in to work and hearing about something. It's a tough situation. My mind goes "I think I may have done this wrong" and then it races away. Thanks anxiety....

It's hard to get a read on what my management thinks of me. I'd like to hear "we have to bring these up because of the clients", but we think you're doing a good job. I don't know how much he asks others to do stuff he's just assigned right away, but I get it a fair amount. I make sure I get those done. Working second shift I think I get less management interaction. Overall I like that, but I'm not sure if it's meaning the interaction I do get is more negative focused.

High call volume means we don't always get to spend as much time as I'd like on things, because there's some pressure to take more calls, which means winding up not always being as complete as I'd think I'd be without it. Is it self pressuring, I don't know?

Anxious day

Friday at work actually went smoothly., My manager leaving early certainly helped, as I just want to come in, do my job without hearing from management, and go home. Yet from yesterday afternoon until now I've been in an anxious state. Did not sleep well either. One way I can tell I'm noticeably anxious or sick is that my cats lie down on top of me when I'm in bed, which they don't do when I'm not. It's a vague work anxiety. I did not sleep well last night. May take a nap before work.

I don't want to go to work today, but I will.

In trouble at work for helping, but not the way work wanted it done. My previous jobs expected things to be done one way, my current job expects something else. It feels like at least once a week I walk in to work to a "why did you do this" email from management. This does not make me look forward to work.

I am trying to not let my depressive self beat me up too much on this. It has meant I took a Xanax as I was getting the adrenaline flows of anxiety yesterday. I just want to go to work, do the job, not hear about anything from management, and come home. That's what I had for a week or so and it was great. I was sleeping well and everything. Even went and saw my friend and his dog after work. I should focus more on the customer feedback surveys, which tend to come back highly rated.

I woke up today out of it. Maybe from the Xanax yesterday. Maybe from the stress of my management not being happy with the job I did. I don't want to go to work today, but I will. Facing and doing normal things in life that we don't want to is a step in fighting depression.

I worked a holiday this week. I volunteer for those. I figure it tends to be easier/less busy at work, and I get to take another day off instead. Plus I think it makes me more valuable to the company since they need to have someone there and there's not a lot of volunteers.

Plodding along

While I haven't been too productive outside of work, I'm settling into a decent work rhythm . The best part of the 2nd shift work is being able to sleep without an alarm clock. I'm less productive before work though, I think I'm mentally trying to preserve energy for work. Work is seeming to slowly getting less stressful as I adapt to it, I have to keep my perfectionist streak in check to keep from stressing about it. Work start to slow down in the evening once people go home for the day, which is good for me.

2nd Shift and Depression

My second shift is working from 2pm to 10:30pm. So far this has worked well for me. When I come home after work I pretty much just go to bed, I've been in bed by 11:30.

This means that all my non-work time during the week is before work as opposed to after it. What this has done is allow me to turn off my alarm clock, so I can sleep as late as I feel like. This makes my non work time during daylight hours, which I hope will help me in the wintertime as a normal shift used to mean going to work in the dark, and getting off work in the dark, so more daylight.

Another advantage is that the work tends to slow down by 6-7 pm. That provides some breathing room versus the pace of the first shift at this job. And it gives me a noticeable shift in work pace that I can look forward to.

The transition has still had some difficulties, getting through the dinner hour is proving to be a challenge, as my body is used to stopping work before then. Things can be trying if I don't sleep well the night before, though with my off work time before work I've taken a few naps.

Overall I'm going to say it's been a plus so far.

The rough period is hopefully ending

The things to take care of for buying the house for my mother are now almost all done. The only remaining thing is the notary coming to my home to sign the final documents, and writing the check. My father's estate should be all wrapped up as well as the tax stuff is resolved.

Work is... work. I messed up once but a coworker stepped in and fixed it. There's some less craziness as one client left so the amount of stuff coming in has dropped. Also less craziness just from my being there for longer now so I am further along the learning curve. My boss seems pleased with how I am doing, which is good since it's positive feedback.

My time on the second shift at work has started. I expected to be moved to that shift at some point since I'd been asked about it during the interview process. I've done it for a week now. So far it's ok, there's kind of a wall to get through around 6pm when my "lunchbreak" aka dinner, is. I get home from work and pretty much go to bed, to minimize changes to my sleep schedule. It's the middle of summer, so we'll see how this goes as fall and winter come around. I'm hopeful it will be better than first shift, as I will be awake and not at work for several hours of sunlight even mid-winter, versus being at work during the whole daylight period if I work first shift. Second shift is also slower paced, which is a positive for me.

Rough Day

I got plenty of sleep but work was a madhouse of activity today. I am trying to keep focused on my being new and that some mistakes are inevitable because of that because of my tendency to punish myself for mistakes. I keep trying to show initiative at work as well. I think the other guy who started at the same time as me is farther ahead, but a)who really knows, and b)it shouldn't matter as it's not a competition. In any case my manage assigned something specifically to me to take care of for him. I should look at that as a positive sign and not some sort of testing.

I am very glad to get home after work.

After working about a half hour late to get things finished up for the day I came home and had to call the IRS regarding my deceased father's taxes. Then the mortgage company for the house for my mom. Then the homeowners insurance company to get a quote for the house for my mom. Phew, that's a lot.

Putting this stuff down in the blog, there is a three day weekend coming up. I'm going a thing at a time right now though otherwise, so I won't be thinking about it until maybe when it starts.

Third week of work is over

This week training gave way to actual work, some supervised by a senior team member and some on my own. I got stuck on one thing and had to call in a senior, but I did feel a bit better than he got stuck by it too (it remains not fixed currently). I've settled in a bit and so far the feedback I've gotten has been positive. There is still good potential for me to take any failure too strongly, though I am trying to expect some mistakes as a new employee and trying not to be too hard on myself over them.

Outside of that I am buying a house for my mother to retire in. There's lots of paperwork even though she's already in the house in question and it's just a matter of purchasing it. She never owned a home, so I am happy to have her in a home she effectively owns.

Outside of those too things I am focused on keeping my energy up, as both things are draining. I am making sure I get to bed early. My walking levels are up as measured by my phone's pedometer. I'm not doing my intermittent fasting diet during this period, as the fast days leave me with no energy and I need the energy to focus on learning the new job and dealing with the house. I think I've gained some weight as my eating hasn't been the best. I need to get some healthier eating going.

First week of work is over

There were some struggles with, well, staying awake during training videos. From an anxiety standpoint it was a success. Today (Friday) I didn't even take a xanax, so I hopefully shouldn't have to take any going forward. This was at least partly due to knowing I wouldn't be doing any actual work, just training stuff. Next week is transitioning to actual work + training. My co-workers are ok I guess, it's a bit strange having co-workers in the next cube since my past few jobs all my co-workers have been located at other locations.

The work seems like it will be pretty straightforward once I learn how the do things the way the company wants them done. It's a short walk from where I park to my desk, which is good, and the commute is the shortest out of any job I've had.

I had to clean out a washing machine drain last week at my house. The kneeling in the small space made my back sore. It's still sore, getting better slowly. I need more stretching I guess.

Positives

I have a written job offer. And I have accepted. It doesn't start for another two weeks, so I have the pleasure of not working but knowing there is a job. I will have to go to their company headquarters for an orientation, and it's far enough they normally fly out the new employees at my location for it. I'm trying to arrange a remote orientation via skype or something. I can conceivably drive, but it will be an all day drive each way.

The past two days I've gotten my exercise by cleaning up in the yard around my house. I've packed up two large trash bags of weeds and old leaves. This is definitely a "yay me!" Also I cleaned my desk today, the bottom layer of papers was probably turning into coal from the weight of all the stuff on it.

So the company I was assigned to ended my company's support contract at the end of last year. As a result I've been looking for work since. January was also catch up on sleep time, as nearly two years of the weekly two hour commute took lots out of me. I have had some interviews but no job offers yet. Hopefully soon.

My intermittent fasting is going well. The fast days are not fun, but I've lost 12 kg in 8 months or so. My doctor was quite pleased.

Today I fixed the string trimmer, trimmed the unkept edges of grass, and mowed the lawn. Yay me!

And according to tests

My cardiac stress test results were perfectly normal, "keep doing what you are doing". That's what I'd expected, but also I didn't have a panic attack while taking the test (there was a Xanax taken beforehand to make sure).