Here's hoping

I bought a SAD light to use at work, in addition to the one I have at home. Here's hoping it works well. It did seem to help at least some last week.

Thanksgiving Day was difficult, in that I was very tired. I went out to my normal Thanksgiving with friends, but I was more tired than in past years. That tracks with my general tiredness recently, last year I didn't have any seasonal depression issues until late January, and by then Spring was already in the foreseeable future.

Yesterday I did ok, played with the tenant's kids for awhile. Was tired trying to keep up with them, but that's a good positive thing to do.

Today I was very tired. Even sleeping until noon I could barely keep awake, even with some coffee. I did clean up around the house, which makes me feel somewhat better. It was much needed, the cats have been busy creating piles of cat hair, and tracking cat litter around.

Continuing on...

Reading the last post and a lot of that tiredness in there is still the case. The panic attacks themselves has subsided.

Yesterday I was so tired at work I got up and walked through the halls for a bit. Coffee didn't help. Some of the medications I take have tiredness and fatigue as side effects, so I am wondering if those are causing this. I'll see when I see my doctor next.

Tired but have to do something = panic attack

I got through Friday without a panic attack. Watched a training video, then dial-in meeting, then lunch. After lunch I got on the phones and didn't have an attack.

Of note from last week, I have a lot of anticipatory anxiety about working with clients on the phone, what if I have a panic attack while trying to assist them. The problem is that is the main part of my job. I had a couple of days where I was super incredibly fatigued, like it was a tremendous struggle to stay awake while at work. After lunch it gets somewhat better. It's not low blood sugar though, I am snacking on bananas and things. My brain just feels overloaded and my senses overstimulated, the lunch hour lets it relax some. Then after work it gets better.

Every workday last week I needed to take a Xanax, my prescribed up to 2 a day on most days. Being short my two coworkers for my shift and having fill ins from other shifts that aren't trained on everything for my shift from Wednesday through Friday did not help, at all. During a no panic time, that would be no big deal.

Friday night I slept well and yesterday (Saturday) I was ok enough to get things like my laundry and groceries done (thank goodness for grocery delivery service), without needing to take a Xanax or a CBD gummy. Sat out on the front porch in the sun and let the warmth sink in for a while.

Last night I didn't sleep well and got panicky twice today, The first time I lay down for awhile, I figured I would nap but I didn't fall asleep. Later I got panicky enough to take half a Xanax, I was very tired. Tonight I just had a CBD gummy, which while hopefully give me a good night's sleep. Work doesn't start for another 16-1/2 hours. If I felt I could sleep until I had to get up for work, but then I'd be fully rested and fine at work, I'd take that.

In addition to the panic I am feeling depressed, or is that because of the panic. Regardless, I am currently feeling unmotivated and not fulfilled by what I am doing at work. Previously I was generally happy with the work. Right now I just wish I could retire or something, though financially I can't do that.

Still in panic state

Since I knew it was coming, I took a week of vacation to hopefully help with my anxiety. Saw my doctor on first day of vacation and got my Xanax refilled. I went several years in between refill.

Also had a panic attack while at the doctor. The week of vacation didn't really help. I am having panic and exhaustion issues at work. With the Xanax is mostly terrible exhaustion, which causes anxiety as I am exhausted while having to deal with clients. My brain feels incredibly slow when I'm in that state, I can hardly think and am so tired I don't want to even speak.

I've been able to shift a bit and do take some trainings and do some less client facing things, but there are times where I am the only one that can do some things. I was able to step outside for a while during lunch yesterday and sit in the sun in my car, which was helpful for a while.

The last time I took Xanax regularly I didn't have the kind of exhaustion I am having now, so not sure if that's a new side effect or just general exhaustion. The last time I also could pretty much feel it as it started working, not this time. Pill looks different too, different manufacturer or something.

Right now there's a lot of anticipatory anxiety. It's Friday, I am hoping it's very quiet at work and I get through the day without issues.

Currently down

After a long period of not being depressed or anxious, I am currently both with multiple panic attacks in the past week. It's very frustrating as In the past year I think I'd only had a single panic attack and it was relatively small scale. But today I had to take the day off work for it. Of course now I've slept all day and am wondering how I am going to sleep tonight and be ready for work tomorrow.

Before this down period I was doing good, so good I was even doing things like cleaning my apartment! It reached relatively clean.