The presence trap

My ex-wife sent me a link to a talk by Eckhard Tolle on presence. It occurred to me that the panic attack state is also the person being focused on their present state. When in the attack state I am entirely consumed by the present, it doesn't "pass through me" to use Tolle's wording. The brain is not necessarily off, but overwhelmed by the autonomic actions of the body. In other words, while having an attack I am living entirely in the present, with my brain "turned off". "Brain turned off" is the same state we are encouraged to be in as meditators, focused on my body to the exclusion of the outside world.

So presence seems to be a dual-state. It can relax, or it can panic. What flips it from one to the other?

back on fluoxetine

Despite focusing on getting plenty of sleep, I continue to have high anxiety and low energy. I saw my doctor and got a prescription for Fluoxetine and Xanax. Since I did so well last year being consistently on Fluoxetine I hope to have the same results again. The Xanax is for the immediate anxiety. I had Xanax last year and it was very effective for me, though I only took it when having an attack because of my fears about it's potential addictiveness.

Since I knew I was headed in this direction I had started the fluoxetine from the leftovers I had, and am now one week into the new prescription. Monday and Tuesday I had to take Xanax for work. Felt better Wednesday, ok Thursday and kind of got through Friday. Not good yesterday or today though.

I stopped in at a local coffee shop yesterday morning and the coffee drink made me super anxious yesterday, plus gave me upset stomach/diarrhea. I fought off an anxiety attack while doing grocery shopping and couldn't fall sleep last night. I need to find a non-caffeinated drink.

I was also prescribed hydrochlorothiazide for high blood pressure (135-95). It seems to have several side effects for me, I have had some headaches and nausea since taking it. In fact I am nauseous today. The nausea makes me anxious too. Bleh.