End of the street, again.

Yesterday after I walked to the end of my street I felt that it might have been the Xanax keeping me calm enough to do it, so today I resolved to walk to the end of the street again. It was harder, but I made it.

Like yesterday, I tricked myself by pointing out that the end of the street is not as far as around my block, only about 2/3 of the distance. The idea was that I would be already walking back by the time I reached the around the block distance, and if I had anxiety be forced to keep walking to get back to my house. Kind of like in the movie Gattaca, where the one brother asks the other how he managed to swim out in the lake with him, and he answered "I never saved anything for the swim back".

Panic surge

I took a Xanax about 20 minutes ago, hasn't really kicked in yet. I was up at 6am because of the interview. Will be leaving for the interview in about 10 minutes.

Later:
I did have another panic surge during the interview but I recognized it immediately and the recognition let me control it well. I thought I gave a good interview. They will be interviewing more people next week so it might be two weeks before I hear. The job is a single site, so no traveling around, and it's internal facing, both of these things are positives for me from an anxiety standpoint. Also it will be basically all stuff I've done in previous jobs, so good from that standpoint as well as it won't be new stuff all the time. So I think this is something I would overall be able to be successful doing with my anxiety.

My other good thing is I reached a long term goal today, I walked to the end of my street and back. This is about a mile of walking according to google mapping. Last time I'd tried this I had a panic attack. I hadn't gone this far all year.

Pre-interview drive to the area

An addendum for the last post: I have strange dreams all the time, whether I'm on fluoxetine or not. My dreams are also extremely vivid, with color, sound, feel etc.

While I don't remember my dreams from last night, I did wake up 5-6 times during the night. Not a good night's sleep. I did something good today though. I drove to the building where my interview tomorrow is, at the morning time it will be at. While I was getting the adrenaline trying to wake up properly, I was able to keep it under control. I told myself that the interview wasn't today, so I could turn around any time. Anyway, I got there (about a twenty minute drive) and I was feeling ok, so I went on to my second goal, stay in the neighborhood for the hour or so that an interview will probably be.

The place is near where two highways intersect, so there's a large shopping plaza. So I got determined to actually go into some stores, and I did! Yay me! I bought some socks to replace all my socks with holes in them. On the way home I even went into the Bed, Bath and Beyond where I'd had a panic attack a few months ago, and bought a pan for the kitchen to replace the old one where the non stick coating was coming off (probably not healthy to continue using it).

I'm hopeful I can do this interview.

Interview coming up

A company I applied at called me Monday for a phone screen interview. They called back today to have me come in for an in person interview. I picked Friday so I don't have to think about it over the weekend. It's the same type of work I have done previously. So the work should be doable as long as the anxiety is under control. Getting called for an in person interview bumped my anxiety.

Went before the unemployment board. The denied me. Apparently I shouldn't have accepted that job and tried to make it work so I could work. They do not have a good understanding of mental health issues. There was no way the company could have accommodated me and I would have been able to do the job duties. Apparently I can appeal again.

Have been having crazy dreams which leave me tired during the day. Last night I dreamt that people from the future abducted me to the future because they needed me to fight some threat. Also the meaty space where my toes connect to my foot had something shaking in it. I opened up the space and it was full of something like cotton balls. I started digging out all the stuff that wasn't me, and wound up with nothing but metal bones up beyond my ankle, like some kind of robot. My foot was filled up with Bic pens to fill out the space under the skin down to the metal bones. Bizarre, didn't bother me as much as it was just weird. Woke up after that. I have crazy dreams like this all the time.

Last few weeks

Had my appeal with unemployment yesterday. Glad it's done with. Hope the result is positive.

In good news, I managed to walk around the block. I had got my walking up to the point I was walking farther than around the block, but doing it in a figure 8 coming back to the house in the middle, in case I wanted to stop. Around the block put me farther from my safe place of my house. It's about 15 minutes walking.

Still having problems sleeping, waking up a number of times during the night, and often needing a nap during the day. I've been having a lot of crazy dreams, like 99% of the world ending in a flood, my ex-wife was also in that one and we had a "child" during the end of the world that literally was a ladybug. The flood finally receded a bit.

Sigh

The last few days have been difficult, as I've been very tired. I've been sleeping more than normal, 10-11 hours. I had an anxiety attack during the night last Thursday. I guess a dream triggered it maybe, but I don't remember what I was dreaming or if I was.

I've got my walking up to about a km a day. That's supposed to help.

Sent out more job application. Still fighting with unemployment over things because I had to leave the job. I've filed all the paperwork requested, but they insist I should have stayed in a job where I spent all day every day having panic attacks.

My father is sending some money, both to live on and to fix all the things the city I live in wants fixed as part of their tri-annual inspection. It's the same as all the past inspections, things didn't change from three years ago, and are plainly visible, but suddenly they're infractions and need to be fixed, sigh.