no naps

I had to force myself to stay awake through the day yesterday and today. Yesterday I started falling asleep maybe, only to have a giant hypnic jerk bounce me awake and make me feel dizzy. Dizziness apparently is one sign of needing more sleep. Drinking lots of cold water at work, 4-5 glasses a day, since cold water is supposed to be invigorating like coffee.

Got through the meeting last week without falling asleep. I had a coffee drink from McDonalds beforehand so I had some caffeine. Caffeine makes me have to use the bathroom, a lot. I had to get up and go to the bathroom a number of times. I was also extra nervous when it was my turn to present for 5-10 minutes. Shaking. Not because I was nervous being in front of people, but just not wanting to fall asleep while up there, and so tired.

Despite being very tired, I mowed the lawn today after work, and then went and got in a good 30 minutes of ping pong with plenty of sweat. Drew someone better than me today, like last week, so I had to work hard to keep up. I keep telling myself the exercise is good for me and I need to do it, despite not being enthusiastic about it. At least when I'm in the middle of it I do have some enthusiasm, but I tire quickly.

3 day weekend coming up

We'll see how that goes since I've been tired on Sundays for a while now. Will Monday off be worse? Or will I have energy Sunday? I haven't had time off since my lack of sleep in February overwhelmed me. And haven't had actual vacation since Christmas, when I spent the week recovering from my massive panic attack at the airport. I am looking forward to the time off though. Haven't had more panic attacks since my middle of the night one on Sunday. Have a 3 hour meeting I have to attend tomorrow at the site where I was working before. 12-3 in the afternoon. Hopefully I can get comfortable in their chairs and can stay awake. I hate meetings, so boring.

Monday I didn't nap somehow. Too exhausted I think. Tuesday I napped during my lunch hour. Today I didn't nap, wanted to badly but I have the intern Monday and Wednesday for the foreseeable future.

Did 30 minutes or so of ping pong tonight. Got partnered with a player who's probably a bit better than me, so I got a good workout. My shoulder/sternum I think are going to pay the price though. Early to bed for me I think. Got to get through tomorrow.

Made it to morning

I think the best I did was a bad dream and some half sleep. I have nausea (from lack of sleep), and feel as if I'm going to either throw up at some point, or will go back into panic attack caused by trying to stay awake. Also, I have an intern that's supposed to be working with me today, so I can't hide out. Panic attack wasn't caused by that, but it's not going to help my dealing with the effects.

panic attack while sleeping

Woke up to high heart rate, sweating, feeling of  dying/imminent death. I woke up already in full panic, and since I was asleep/waking my brain wasn't processing it like it would during an attack while awake, so it wasn't under any control. The hot flash and sensation of dying were particularly strong with this attack. Now I'm writing this in hopes of distracting myself and calming down. When I have attacks while awake, I am able to at least exert some moderating influence on them via rational thinking and awareness of what is happening.

Of course this leaves me afraid to fall back asleep, for fear of another attack. I'll probably have to go lie on the couch and fall asleep with the radio on for some distraction and a low light for some feeling of comfort.

I thought I had done ok today, better than many recent Sundays. Did my ping pong. But before bed (9:30) I felt a bit sick to my stomach, as if I'd eaten something that didn't quite agree with me. I went to bed worried about being sick while depressed, and how would I take care of myself if I was sick in addition to my lack of energy from depression.

My depression hasn't cleared this spring to the extent it normally has in years past at this time. I've been concerned that is going to lead to a deeper depression that normal in the coming winter.

Going to try lying down again and see if I can get back to sleep.

Brain melting

I got 10 hours of sleep last night, and took things easier than I've been doing over the weekend. And today my brain was just stuck in sleep mode. I couldn't break out of it and just felt like my default mode for the day was sleep. My head was just in a daze most of the day. I did mow the lawn this evening.

Little sleep

I was in bed around 9 last night, but was in a half sleeping state until midnight or so. My esophagus felt like it was out of place, weird feeling. Woke up and fell back asleep around 1. Woke up this morning sometime before 6. My current goal is to simply make it through the workday, and hopefully no panic attacks. I am supposed to move a couple carts worth of equipment across the length of the building where I work today. Right now I don't see that happening.

Edit: No panic attacks, but exhausted and wanting to fall asleep the whole day, napped at lunch. I was too busy to move the equipment.

Monday again

I was really exhausted by yesterday afternoon. Saturdays my energy seems to be not too bad, and Sundays is bad. And Mondays I suffer for Sunday. I could use more sleep, but I have to go to work in a few minutes. Going to restart myself on my Fluoxetine, my mood and energy levels are generally low. Mondays, Fridays and Sundays I've been really dragging. At least on the Fridays I feel better once I'm home from work.