And getting audited

Just got a letter from the IRS yesterday. You saw the last post I was losing my job. Oh yeah my wife is still quite sick (9 months already) and still overseas for treatment (6 months). It's no wonder I''m stressed and depressed, who wouldn't be? :-)

Laid off

Yesterday it was announced. Last day depends on when they can find replacement. I actually expected it since my work performance has stunk for several months now because of the depression.

I had plenty of energy yesterday, even did weeding in the garden and mowed the lawn for about 20-30 minutes total after work. Totally exhausted after that though, and exhausted today. I didn't sleep well last night. I'll still be working for another month. I've been good for awhile, but have zero energy today. I know I'm supposed to get my 20 minutes 3-4 times a week for the endorphins, but I don't have the energy to do that. I'm getting more like 10 minutes walking 2-3 times a week. The miserably hot weather hasn't helped with that.

Some good news, I'm not supposed to have caffeine because it can cause panic attacks, but I've been having a coffee in the morning for awhile to keep me going, and have not been having any negatives from that.

My Neverwinter Nights 2 project is near completion as well. Once that's finished up and in playtesters hands that will be another load off me. There wasn't any self pressure when the end was nowhere near. There's no deadline since it's just a for fun thing, but I want it to be done. The problem with what's left is it's all writing and I need to be in the mood for it. Making dungeons and forests and whatnot I can just do.

Past few weeks

Three weeks ago I stopped my prozac. It seemed like it was doing nothing for me and I've been reading at my wife's encouragement some stuff that says it really doesn't do much unless you have super serious can't move out of bed depression. Anyway I'm still taking a vitamin D and a vitamin B.

The first week I didn't notice a change really. I was still very tired all day and evening. Maybe even more so than usual. But it's the summer and many people are on vacation so work is slow. My boss was off that week too.

Last week I did really good during the week. Only having a short lunch nap on Friday at work. My boss even mentioned unprompted that it seemed like I had more energy. I agree. I had more energy that week than I've had in months. I was even productive through the afternoons.

Went out to a pancake place for some pancakes on Saturday. I wasn't feeling like it, but pushed myself through it. My brain was still in sleep mode. But I went to the very busy pancake place, waited for a table, and got my pancakes (chocolate chip btw). I did not have panic, but I was so very tired. My brain felt like it was still asleep. Sidenote: For whatever reason, even when I feel like that I become more alert when I'm driving. I took a nap later that day.  Once my brain cleared a few hours after the 90 minute nap I felt pretty good for the rest of the weekend.

First three days of this week were busy all day at work and I pretty much didn't get much of a lunch break other than enough time to eat something. But I made it through all three without too much issue. By the end of yesterday I was starting to drag, but many people drag by the end of the day I suppose.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was in bed at a good hour, about 9:30, but couldn't fall asleep. When I finally did I woke up a couple times. Including around 6am from one of my patented violent dreams. I was trapped in the arctic with some Amish kids on Rumispruga and someone was trying to shoot at us from a cave in the distance. We had to do something to get past them because otherwise we would have frozen. I have bizarre dreams :-) I had to get out of bed for awhile to clear the dream from my head because I was falling right back into the same dream as I tried to go back to sleep.